RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

For writers working on documentation, story prose, announcements, and all kinds of Wesnoth text.

Moderators: Forum Moderators, Developers

Post Reply
User avatar
artisticdude
Moderator Emeritus
Posts: 2424
Joined: December 15th, 2009, 12:37 pm
Location: Somewhere in the middle of everything

RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by artisticdude »

This is the introduction to the Wesnoth RPG I am working on. This text contains major plot spoilers, just so you know. For those of you who do read it, I'd appreciate your comments on any/all details. I'm especially concerned about the length, but I don't see how I can condense it any more than I already have without losing vital detail or information.

PLOT SPOILERS:
Last edited by artisticdude on October 5th, 2011, 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken."

blueknight1758
Posts: 252
Joined: March 30th, 2011, 8:38 pm
Location: The UK

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by blueknight1758 »

Wow! Great story skills.
My feedback would be that it is great but the 'clans' that the world is based upon haven't been described so you don't know hat there traits and such are but besides that great job.

User avatar
artisticdude
Moderator Emeritus
Posts: 2424
Joined: December 15th, 2009, 12:37 pm
Location: Somewhere in the middle of everything

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by artisticdude »

Thanks. :)
blueknight1758 wrote:My feedback would be that it is great but the 'clans' that the world is based upon haven't been described so you don't know hat there traits and such are but besides that great job.
What I plan on doing is fleshing each country's background and customs out over the course of the campaign (through talking to NPC's, reading books, etc.). It's just too hard to fit all of that into the intro, and it isn't really needed there as much anyway.
"I'm never wrong. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken."

User avatar
tr0ll
Posts: 524
Joined: June 11th, 2006, 8:13 pm
Location: canada

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by tr0ll »

  1. exciting! i want to play already :)
  2. various spelling errors, i can help when you are ready for that sort of thing
  3. the use of "you" is jarring unless the character's name will be typed in by the player. if you are making an RPG then i guess a way will be found to do that.
  4. you might be able to inject a dialogue-only scenario even into that first intro, to break up the length. a training scenario at the beginning to get used to the unit's moves and combat could add flavour.
  5. Spoiler:
  6. Spoiler:

User avatar
Neuromancer
Posts: 204
Joined: September 10th, 2010, 9:49 pm

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by Neuromancer »

This part of the story is way too much clichéd for my tastes:
artisticdude wrote:
Spoiler:
What about replacing it with something like Issynian's dead body fell to the dock. A small crystal trundled off from his hand. You quickly grabbed it and hopped into the boat. Thinking about it, that whole part is a little cheap. There are two experienced spec-ops who fail to escape with the shoreboat in time? Unlikely. What if all three of them managed to board the shoreboat, but the guys from the galleon noticed it and sent some boat to chase them down? There can be some small skirmish, veterans die and main character grabs the crystal just before his shoreboat is blown to pieces. Then he falls unconscious and wakes up on the shore.

About length: I think you dont have to worry about it too much if you divide the story into 3-6 parts and then display them to the player at the end of each turn in the first mission.
And Id described the involved factions with one, two sentences.

User avatar
bigkahuna
Posts: 657
Joined: September 11th, 2010, 6:24 pm
Location: In your mind.

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by bigkahuna »

Honestly, I'd be careful about putting this in the RPG, if only because the first thing I think of is WOAH THIS IS LONG. Presenting it in installments, in optional history readings, or in character monologues *might* be more interesting and provide the same end result.
Check out my campaign Sweet Revenge!
Join the new R2D forum!

User avatar
Boldek
Posts: 576
Joined: April 14th, 2011, 6:37 pm

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by Boldek »

bigkahuna wrote:Honestly, I'd be careful about putting this in the RPG, if only because the first thing I think of is WOAH THIS IS LONG. Presenting it in installments, in optional history readings, or in character monologues *might* be more interesting and provide the same end result.
yeah, I agree this is a tad long, maybe adding a short escape from the pirates, just simply running across the deck would awake the player, as not to feel long and boring.
Guys I never thought I'd come back to this forum after 8 years this is wild

Shinobody
Posts: 384
Joined: March 9th, 2011, 5:46 pm
Location: somewhere in Poland

Re: RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

Post by Shinobody »

artisticdude as well could've wrote:Good morning!
Thank you for choosing my RPG project.
Hope you have fun.
But first, obligatory for amateur RPGs everywhere, Wall of Text!
Seriously, even assuming that every one paragraph means one story page with image, it's still way too boring to read.
I'd say trim down everything before "it's just stories to you" and tell everything after in optional intro scenario or two, since people care about characters, but not give a heck about story splash images.
Seriously, have you played Dungeon Siege?* And remember how have you weeped after this old guy asked you to find Gyorn and then DIED, oMG!
Not?
Hell, me too. I even can't remember his name for purpose of this post.
Tell you what, I think if he at least was your companion for duration of the first quest then maybe you'd get any emotion from his death.
* - if you didn't then picture just any cliched scene where someone dies in intro sequence for purpose of story exposition.
TL;DR: TL,DR.

Post Reply