Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

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beetlenaut
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by beetlenaut » August 14th, 2016, 6:57 pm

From the units' creator: The current names were intended to reflect that this is one unit: the Merman King. The adjective is stuck on to show how leveled he is. But now this unit is being used in other campaigns, and that's not how BfW usually names units, so I would be OK with the name changes. But, I would prefer Heir for level 1, and Prince for level 2.

The descriptions are good too, but the original line about "Common citizens..." in the level-1 unit is a reference the leadership that only works on level-0 units. That is less clear in the new description. I also don't like, "expected to work along side their people, earning their trust," which sounds more like an elected counselor of some kind than a king.

edit: I mean Heir for level 0 and Prince for level 1.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » August 15th, 2016, 3:12 am

Heir-Prince-Ruler-Monarch does work better than Prince-Scion-Ruler-Monarch, I think. Maybe King instead of Monarch though? Or King instead of Ruler? Not sure, but I feel that King should probably be in there somewhere. Also, "ruler" and "monarch" and "king" all kinda mean the same thing (though "ruler" and "monarch" are more generic).
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Eagle_11
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Eagle_11 » August 15th, 2016, 10:13 am

Heir-Prince-King-High King*

*invent an merman title if you'd like.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Caladbolg » August 15th, 2016, 3:03 pm

I agree with Heir for lvl0. Another name that would thematically fit is Archon (chief magistrate of a greek city-state). Though I think it wasn't a hereditary position so it wouldn't fit with the heir-prince. But it could also be a more general, cooler-sounding word for a ruler.
So, I'd suggest heir-prince-archon-monarch/king.
Btw, I'm surprised that mermen don't have some kind of a democratic system considering their inspiration.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » August 19th, 2016, 6:20 am

Changed stuff as requested, more or less. We'll see if name changing stuff gets traction but the descriptions didn't hinge on it, so no need. Also added Delfador's Memoirs stuff...I kind of think perhaps that unit like could use some changes? It's definitely presented, to me at least, like a commanding war-mage, so maybe more proper established lore about that kind of thing would be an interesting addition, and it'd be nice if it could have a more unique design but that's its own matter. Also since it's Delfador, wouldn't it make more sense to use lightning bolts over fireballs? I dunno. Weird unit, that, need to play the campaign a bit to see if there's something up.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Caladbolg » August 19th, 2016, 2:41 pm

It's been a while since I played Delfador's Memoirs but IIRC Delfador uses fireballs per default and then on a certain scenario ("Houses of the Dead" I think it was called) he picks up a magical staff which grants him the power of lightning, substituting his fireball attack.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Eagle_11 » August 20th, 2016, 7:01 am

but why does he forget fireballs upon learning lightning ? oh wait.. now i remember lightning is not of arcane type but also of damage type fire in mainline, nvm.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Flameslash » August 20th, 2016, 9:59 am

He doesn't necessarily forget them, he just stops using them because the lightning attacks are better.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by pyndragon » August 20th, 2016, 7:07 pm

I like the Merman Monarch work quite a lot, but I have one slight grammar nitpick:
Gyra_Solune wrote:When faced with a time of true peril to their kingdom, some merfolk kings prevail against all odds and are immortalized as heroes to their people. Leading a host of dutiful warriors and mages, these legendary figures are fearsome in their own right, with blistering speed even in full plate, and a mastery with their war-mace scepters.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » August 22nd, 2016, 7:34 pm

Good catch. If you substitute "master" for "mastery" it just barely works grammatically, though it would be better to rephrase it with fewer commas, maybe something like this:
Leading a legendary host of dutiful warriors and mages, with blistering speed even in full plate, these legendary figures are fearsome in their own right due to mastery with their war-mace scepters.
I also think "mages" doesn't fit the "flavour" of the mermaid line well, but I have no ideas for fixing that.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » August 22nd, 2016, 8:34 pm

That's a good point, they're less like mages and more like...shamans? They're understandably more analogous to that which the elves have. I'll have to think on that one.

By the by, it seems nesting spoilers won't work? I kind of want to collate all of this onto the first post and I do like using the spoilers for that purpose - or would you rather I didn't, come to think of it, and just having a big long page is preferable to access and copy desired text?

Also, I am going to add everything to the first two posts for ease of reference - first post will be all main units, second will all be campaign stuff. I have made a handful of smaller edits here and there as well just to clean it up. I also think I ought to do a few more things - ones that stick out to me are the bats in particular.

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