Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

[pyndragon]

Saurian Ambusher

Spoiler:

Original: Saurians are light on their feet, and able at navigating terrain that often confounds their enemies. When this natural mobility is combined with experience, strength, and proper equipment, their warriors can become particularly threatening in battle — if only because they are so much more difficult to confine than other foes. Even in armor, saurian warriors can take advantage of the smallest gap in an enemy line, and have the prowess to make the enemy regret tactical mistakes.

Revised: Under the cover of night, the Saurian Ambushers excel at skewering unprepared foes, then slipping away like water in one's hands. These veteran saurians are better armed and armored than most others, carrying a shield to help protect them as they make their escape. Yet they are well experienced at scurrying in and out of battle, and so are not slowed down in the slightest by the added weight - if anything, they move even faster than most expect.

I like this water metaphor, but think it might be better phrased "slipping away like water from an open palm."

[Celtic_Minstrel]

I haven't played DiD, but in Delfador's Memoirs, he brings ghosts (and, I think also ghouls) back from some sort of "land of the dead" place. Now, I didn't finish the campaign, so I might've missed some big reveal later, but to me this seems like a case of ghosts that came into existence without the intervention of any mage.

Spoiler:

The Land of the Dead is where all non-summoned or bound dead go. It is not a place in Wesnoth proper and may only be left through portals created by magi (DM S9 and S19).

This sounds like it supports what I said.

[pyndragon]

This sounds like it supports what I said.

The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.

[Celtic_Minstrel]

The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.

Your spoilered text seems to imply the exact opposite.

Spoiler:

What you said is essentially that the spirits of the dead go to the Land of the Dead, unless they are summoned or bound. This in turn implies that all spirits arise naturally, but may be manipulated (summoned or bound) through magic.

Is Gyra_Solune finished with this work yet? At some point it should probably be converted to a pull request, or at least a patch that can be reviewed and applied.

[pyndragon]

The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.

Your spoilered text seems to imply the exact opposite.

Spoiler:

What you said is essentially that the spirits of the dead go to the Land of the Dead, unless they are summoned or bound. This in turn implies that all spirits arise naturally, but may be manipulated (summoned or bound) through magic.

Ok, thanks for that clarification. It sounds like I just misunderstood what you were saying.

[zookeeper]

First batch (the monster units) committed. I left out the wolves and scorpion for now, because I think those can be improved a bit further.

[beetlenaut]

These are nice, but there are some grammatical mistakes in this one:

Sea Serpents incite fear and awe in fishermen and sailors, figuring often in folklore as a wrathful deity of the sea. Capable of destroying ships effortlessly, and possessed of seemingly endless strength and vitality, these elusive leviathans are destructive and relentless to any who try to combat them. Generally living in the deep seas, Sea Serpents are imposing even to the elite merfolk warriors, and are the reason they seldom inhabit further than the shallow shore.

There is a singular/plural mishap in the first sentence, "further" apparently comparing non-adjectives, and "shore" referred to as "shallow" (shore is the land).

This is corrected:

Sea Serpents incite fear and awe in fishermen and sailors, figuring often in folklore as wrathful deities of the sea. Capable of destroying ships effortlessly, and possessed of seemingly endless strength and vitality, these elusive leviathans are destructive and relentless to any who try to combat them. Generally living in the deep seas, Sea Serpents are imposing even to the elite merfolk warriors, and are the reason they seldom inhabit waters far from the shore.

(I know I should commit this myself, but I still haven't gotten around to learning git yet.)

[zookeeper]

Yeah, I missed those. Fixed.

[Gyra_Solune]

Yay, committed stuff! I..suppose I will see about rewriting the potentially problematic ones!

Sorry about absences though, class heating up lately, but it's soon to end and I'll get back to anything remaining. Besides campaign units, is there anything else people here see as potentially weak and in need of rewrites?

[nuorc]

@Gyra_Solune: Well, since you ask: I want to propose a tip of the day for the 'Add-ons' button; what do you think?

Code: Select all

Try the 'Add-ons' button to see additional downloadable content like user made campaigns, eras, map packs and other resources.

- [i]The Wesnoth Tactical Guide[/i]

Or with more 'excitement'?

Code: Select all

Try the 'Add-ons' button to see additional downloadable content like user made campaigns, eras, map packs and other resources to vastly expand your personal Wesnoth universe!

- [i]The Wesnoth Tactical Guide[/i]

I think a tip for that button would be good, I don't know about the wording, and I couldn't think of a better 'source' than the 'Wesnoth Tactical Guide'...

[Aldarisvet]

I am upgrading Russian translations of mainline campaigns now and found that -
http://units.wesnoth.org/1.12/mainline/ ... rcher.html
Same for the trunk.

I am going to translate "This is a stub!" - this way:

Some elven riders specialize in archery at a full gallop. For a human such accuracy and rate of fire on horseback can seem almost supernatural.

______________________

Also I found that line

Noble Youth -> Noble Fighter -> Noble Commander -> Noble Lord

from http://units.wesnoth.org/trunk/mainline ... snoth.html
and descriptions of it as quite strange. This line used only for Haldric, so why writing it that way? I know this line was mainlined at 1.0, but it is no more mainlined for ages.

So I am going to translate it as
Young Prince -> Prince-Fighter -> Prince-Commander -> Great Prince
In Russian, translation of that 'noble' line was looking totally absurd in context of Prince Haldric.
And this description: "Today he is a young man, by his devotion to the crown he is seeking to become a Lord — to join the elite of humanity" looks wierd to the young prince Haldric.

______________________________

Another strange thing is here

http://units.wesnoth.org/trunk/mainline ... Guard.html

Horseman Commander at level2 but Infantry Commander at level3. Also Lieutenant is used at level2 for horseman hero but General at level3 for Infantryman hero, no consistency in using military ranks.
I suggest this lines (I will translate this way to Russian) :
Horseman Commander -> Horseman Lieutenant -> Horseman General
Infantry Lieutenant -> Infantry General

[Gyra_Solune]

So lemme take another shot at the four ones mentioned to not be committed (though I am not sure exactly what is wrong with the previous ones, would help if that was cleared up).

Wolf

Spoiler:

Wolves are predatory canines that are encountered frequently in the wilderness. Quick, tough, and able to survive almost anywhere, a wolf alone is enough to maim or kill civilians and untrained soldiers with ease. Their tendency to travel in packs and attack in an organized manner is what makes them particularly fearsome to many travelers. They tend to stay away from civilization, though, only venturing close to feed on livestock occasionally.

Great Wolf

Spoiler:

Some wolves are much bigger and stronger than those typically found in the wilds - it's unknown if some just naturally reach this size, or if they are a different breed altogether. Hunters and frontiersmen are cautious when it comes to these beasts, especially to the north where they're more common, as they're far more tenacious and vicious than ordinary wolves.

Direwolf

Spoiler:

In the frozen woods and hills of the far north, direwolves are almost kings in their own right, each one being the apex predator of the land they hunt in. Tall as a horse, and much faster, a direwolf shows no mercy to any intruders in its domain, and will chase down its prey relentlessly. Even though one alone is menacing, they command respect from lesser wolves and can lead huge packs of them when there is bounteous game to catch.

Giant Scorpion

Spoiler:

To those living in the arid sands, these enormous scorpions are the most fearsome creature they face. Quick and tough, with armor that makes them nigh-impervious to blunt force, they fight with venomous stingers and their powerful front claws. Usually a recurring threat to desert villages, just one of these scorpions is more than a match for an armed soldier - though they greatly fear fire, and are known to be easily repelled and slain by flames.

Do tell me if these are fine enough! Or if not, what their issues may be!

[ForestDragon]

you keep improving, good job, but here are a few minor tweaks (not fll text, only parts i decided to improve to make them sound more beautifully):

Great Wolf:

if some> if they
comes to these beasts>comes to dealing with these beasts

Direwolf:

Tall as a horse>Standing as tall as an average horse
In the frozen woods and hills of the far north>In the harsh climate of the wilds in the far north

Giant Scorpion:

one of these scorpions>one of these things

though they greatly fear fire, and are known to be easily repelled and slain by flames.>but while they can be a real pain when fought with blades and maces, these fiends' main weakness is fire, and due to that, most civilized races who live in envieroments (someone please correct me about this word) learned to utilize it to repell these beasts with ease.

[Caladbolg]

The only issue I can find is with the Great Wolf:

Some wolves are much bigger and stronger than those typically found in the wilds - it's unknown if some just naturally reach this size, or if they are a different breed altogether.

-In cases where you are proposing 2 alternatives (naturally reach this size OR a different breed) it sounds more natural to use 'whether' instead of 'if'. In that case it might also be better to change the 2nd 'if' to 'whether' for the sake of consistency. Oh, and I don't think the comma is necessary before 'or'.

-Using 'some' again sounds a bit weird because you've already used it in the beginning to specify that you're talking about only a portion of the wolves (Some wolves...). Replacing it with 'they' should do the trick as you've already established that you're talking about 'some wolves'. Admittedly, it doesn't sound too wrong as it is so it may be that my sense is a bit off here.

-'just naturally' seems weird... I'm not sure if you can use 'just' along with an adverb. Maybe it's safer to throw it out?

So, it would be: 'Some wolves are much bigger and stronger than those typically found in the wilds - it's unknown whether they naturally reach this size or whether they are a different breed altogether.'
Do note that english is not my first language so I'm going by feeling. It would be good if someone more knowledgeable commented on this.

[Celtic_Minstrel]

Gyra_solune: First of all, given that the dire wolf is based on a real (extinct) animal rather than myths, I'm not sure that "tall as a horse" is accurate. It's possible that this has in fact been established in some campaign somewhere, but the real dire wolf was not that large, only a little larger than the still-extant grey wolf, and I think probably not larger than the larger breeds of dogs such as Great Dane. Also, since they are a separate species, I think they would normally run in packs composed solely of dire wolves, rather than leading packs of lesser wolves. Though the existence of the optional advancement path does kind of suggest otherwise to some extent...

My second point is that scorpions are not necessary solely desert creatures. I'm not entirely sure where the scorpions appear in extant campaigns, but it would make sense for them to be found in forests as well as (possibly instead of?) deserts.

though they greatly fear fire, and are known to be easily repelled and slain by flames.>but while they can be a real pain when fought with blades and maces, these fiends' main weakness is fire, and due to that, most civilized races who live in envieroments (someone please correct me about this word) learned to utilize it to repell these beasts with ease.[/spoiler]

I think this is unnecessarily wordy, and in addition, "races who live in environments" pretty much means "anyone who lives anywhere", so it doesn't really make sense.

-'just naturally' seems weird... I'm not sure if you can use 'just' along with an adverb. Maybe it's safer to throw it out?

It's valid like that, though a slightly awkward ordering. The relationship between "just" and "naturally" here is coordination - they're both modifying the verb "reach". It might sound more natural to say "the just reach this size naturally".

I'm also a little unsure on the recommendation of the second "if"/"whether". There's also the possibility of omitting it, but I think it does sound fine if you say "whether... or if".