help with a storyline!

[NurlorVoronwe]

Hello!
Im doing a campaign of second punic war, well, since 1 year ago... but i had a lot of things to do...
Im trying to take some time to do this. For now im doing the story line, but i need your opinions, and some suggestions about the writing in general, 'cause i know something of english, but not too much about verse in english...anyway i want that it sounds good
Can you help me in this forum or is better in the forum of translations?

p.s. Certainly i prefer to practice my english writing in english

[NurlorVoronwe]

This is the first stage, give me your opinions!

The siege of Arbocala

We began the siege of the Iberian city of Arbocala. Hannibal wants to take control of all Hispania, continuing the work of his father Amilcar, with the goal of extending the blooming Carthage.

Ah! Carthage has always been a rich and powerful city, more than anyone. Founded by Elisa in North Africa, we inherited all the maritime culture of the Phoenicians. With our naval forces we achieved in taking over as Cerdaña islands, Corsica and Sicily.

But some who envy our power, and they want it, and still want more of what they have against us. That is Rome. We face in battle under the command of Amilcar, but his military and diplomatic skill, at the same time, has surprised more than one.

We lost the dominance that we had in the Tyrrhenian Sea. Now Hannibal, son of Amilcar Barca, is our new hope.

His father has left the task of further extending the Carthaginian dominion in Iberia, from its hub, Carthago Nova. For this, we are in Arbocala, and if we win, maybe we can be guaranteed that the glory of Carthage depends of Hannibal.

In game.

Mehmart: My lord, we have built some battering rams to destroy the wall, as you have ordered.

Hannibal: Good, prepare the army, today we going to conquer Arbocala… For the Glory of Carthage!!!

Objectives:
Move the battering rams near the wall.
Defeat the enemy’s leader
Defeat:
Destroy of the rams.
Death of Hannibal
________________
Win:
Hannibal: Victory!
A soldier: What going to do now Captain?
Hannibal: I have an excellent plan, our glory can be restaured...

Defeat:
1. Hannibal: Stupids! We lost the rams! How we can destroy this wall without rams?!!
2. A soldier: Hannibal is death! Retreat!

[Mathius]

I could help Hannibal is likely my favorite general. I’ve read a lot on him. However just translating what you have into a more poetic form would be hard. It would be like translating a book into another language. If you want to tell me which characters you are using what your scenarios will consist of and what message you are trying to get across I could write a little and see what you think. Or if you would rather do it yourself read Virgil's the Aeneid. That has the right language and the story of the friction between the Romans and Carthaginians would also likely be helpful.

[NurlorVoronwe]

ok, thats true... thanks
anyway maybe you can give me your opinions about my storyline, if its clear or not... i think it would help me more instead of doing it more poetic

[Drakefriend]

The idea of the campaign sounds interesting (I think I will play it when it is released), but it has to be "Destruction of the rams".

[Icarusvogel]

A mistake I also often make - it is not "Destroyal", but "Destruction".

[NurlorVoronwe]

The idea of the campaign sounds interesting (I think I will play it when it is released), but it has to be "Destruction of the rams".

thanks, i hadnt seen that error
second and third part are ready, only let me a second...

[NurlorVoronwe]

Saguntum

Our power in Iberia is growing day after day. Iberians are brave soldiers, thats why Hannibal prefer make an alliance instead of destroy them. Anyway, only one city reject our peace intentions; Saguntum. Allied with Rome, this city is our impediment to submit iberia totally. But not only that, the more important reason is that, finally, we can fight against Rome.

In game:

Saguntum soldier: Carthaginians! an army is over us!
Saguntum Chief: Send a ryder with a message to Rome, or to the nearly garrison! Now! Quickly!
(a rider leave the city)
Saguntum Chief: To the walls!

Hannibal: For the glory of Carthage!

Objective:
win: Defeat enemy leader
lose: Hannibal's death
End of the turns
_______________
win:
Hannibal: Finally, Saguntum fell...
Maharbal: Rome is in our hands... (laughts)
Eques (roman rider): Hannibal, our consul want to talk with you, urgent

Defeat:
1- Soldier: Hannibal is death! retreat!
2- Hannibal: Our soldiers are very tired, we can't fight more...

_______________
i will edit some part of the "win" after campaign...
ext scenary is the conversation between Anibal, Escipion, Varron, and others, the war declaration

[Icarusvogel]

Oh, and - "Hannibal is dead", not "Hannibal is death".

[artisticdude]

Interesting idea, I'd like to play this campaign.

our glory can be restaured...

Don't you mean 'restored'?

[DecimusValerius]

Saguntum

Our power in Iberia is growing day after day. Iberians are brave soldiers, that's why Hannibal prefers to make an alliance instead of destroying them. Anyway, only one city rejects our peace intentions; Saguntum. Allied with Rome, this city is our impediment to subdue iberia totally. But not only that, the more important reason is that, finally, we can fight against Rome.

In game:

Saguntum soldier: Carthaginians! An army is upon us!
Saguntum Chief: Send a rider with a message to Rome, or to the nearly garrison! Now! Quickly!
(a rider leaves the city)
Saguntum Chief: To the walls!

Hannibal: For the glory of Carthage!

Objective:
win: Defeat enemy leader
lose: Hannibal's death
End of the turns
_______________
win:
Hannibal: Finally, Saguntum fell...
Maharbal: Rome is in our hands... (laughs)
Equite (roman rider): Hannibal, our consul wants to talk with you, urgently.

Defeat:
1- Soldier: Hannibal is dead! Retreat!
2- Hannibal: Our soldiers are very tired, we can't fight any more...

_______________
i will edit some part of the "win" after campaign...
ext scenery is the conversation between Anibal, Escipion, Varron, and others, the war declaration

I hope these corrections help a bit.

[NurlorVoronwe]

thank! i'll pay more attention in that words
when i have a question or something like that, i'll post it

[Christheturtle]

If you have any sections of text that you would like me to make 'more poetic' in a sense, then just pop them my way. I like big words.

[Icarusvogel]

Give me a try too. Purple prose is lovely.

[NurlorVoronwe]

i have been some time in vacations , so...
well, i have the third part, so if you want to refine it, as you say, i really aprecciate it

-interlude-

~The Romans called the Carthaginians for a meeting after the attack on Saguntum, to decide the diplomatic situation between the two empires.
Scipio: Hannibal Barca, Are you aware that you have attacked a Roman ally city?
Hannibal: Sagunto is an iberian city, the treaty said that we could expand our empire in iberia, it isn't your territory
Terentius Varro: You know the rules of the war, Hannibal Barca
Hannibal: And, What do you want to say me?
Scipio: This Iberian city is our ally, an attack Saguntum is the same as attack Rome
Hannibal: (smiling) There is nothing more to talk...

________

To Rome

Our general recruit a lot of men, african soldiers, iberians, militia. I hear there was 40000 infantery soldiers and 12000 horsemen. In our route there are gaul's tribes, and Hannibal prefer them as allies, because he can recruit more men and supply their troops. Rome know that we are going to attack them, so they sent troops to stop us before reaching Italy. There are two ways to arrive to Italy; passing near Adriatic coast, or the Alps. The first one option have a problem, Marseille is a fortified city, maybe with lots of men, and in this moment, i think more...
The second option is... imposible...

In escenary:

Hannibal: Maharbal, take some of your riders and follow me, we need to explore this place.
Maharbal: Romans will be hanging around?
Hannibal: Maybe, but now i want to talk with the gauls, then we can deal with the Romans...

Objective:
1. Move Hannibal to the sign post.
2. Try to convince the Gaulish chief to join to your cause
(after 2) defeat Gaulish chief enemy
Defeat:
1. Hannibal's Death
2. Maharbal's Death
4. Turns runs out
_____
win:
Hannibal: Some scouts discovered that Marseille is being fortifying with more men, and we don't have the power to defeat the city
Magon: And, what we are going to do?
Hannibal: To the Alps...
Magon: What? Are you kidding brother?
Hannibal: No. The Romans didn't expect it, like you...