Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

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Re: First descriptions : Tauroch units

Post by beetlenaut » April 20th, 2018, 7:25 pm

Celtic_Minstrel wrote:
April 18th, 2018, 12:10 am
Wait, didn't someone say we didn't have names for the animals, yet here they're called taurochs? Or was it only the other animal we didn't have names for yet? Or is tauroch just a placeholder name?
It is only the smaller, antelope-like animals that don't have a name.
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Re: New descriptions for the Quenoth Elves

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » April 21st, 2018, 8:06 pm

Little thing I've noticed about the Quenoth Elves, some of them are lacking proper costs and retained the level 1 unit ones.

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Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm

(Improvements and future descritpions will be added as I work)

Tauroch Rider : I actually don't have much more to say about this one. I found it already fairly good.

(Existing version : Taurochs are huge, hardened beasts of the desert, considered untamable by most surviving races. However, the elves' affinty with nature has allowed them to form an unlikely bond with them. While Taurochs can easily carry or pull heavy loads, their thick hides and unwavering resolution also make them formidable mounts in battle. A Tauroch guided by a skilled rider can hold off multiple enemies long enough for assistance to arrive.)

Tauroch Vanguard : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations or to rally the infantry around them to hold a position while shielding and inspiring them. When mounted on a Tauroch, the Vanguards can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units. These commanders also carry great flags with them, visible from far away in the sands and great to strike fear in the heart of desert pillagers who see them on the horizon or to give signals to the troops.

(Existing version : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations. Shielding and inspiring infantry behind them, these commanders can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units.)

Tauroch Flagbearer : Carrying the great and beautifully decorated banners of the Quenoth Elves into battle, the prestigious Flagbearers are masters of tactics. Years of studying the art of commanding and taking part into hunts, raids and even massive battles against orcs and necromancers have built their reputation over the years. When leading their armies on the battlefield from the back of their mighty Tauroch, they become fearsome enemies nobody should defy unless possessing vastly superior numbers.

(Existing version : Carrying the banners from the Quenoth elves into battle,the prestigious flagbearers are also masters of tactics. Any enemy commander intending on besting them on the battlefield must invariably possess vastly superior numbers)

Tauroch Stalwart : A wild Tauroch alone is already difficult enough to dislodge. However, when one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back , it is wiser to seek another path. Letting someone carry javelins on its back is not something Taurochs usually do, because they were earlier hunted by humans, orcs and other evil beings with arrows and javelins, the only weapons able to really pierce their thick natural armor. Thus, for this to happen, the elf must establish an especially strong bond with the beast and a relation of unshakeable trust. Those who manage to do so become powerful defensive units which is necesarry to survive in the desert.

(Existing version : It is dificult enough to dislodge a stubborn wild tauroch. When one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back, it is wiser to seek another path.)

Tauroch Protector : It is told that once, an elf and his wounded little brother fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch on a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, the older brother and the tauroch are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's and his brother's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked both of them up with its horns and carried back to their village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.

(Existing version : It is told that once, an elf fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch on a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, they are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked her up with its horns and carried back to her village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.)

Remark about the Tauroch Protector: The only reason why I modified the existing version is because I feeled the purpose of protecting was missing in the current one. Apart from that, I loved its concept. (In fact, I was tempted to create a legend like this for an unit but this one is already really nice).

Quenoth mystic : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. Although this magic has been altered by the new harsh environment , allowing them to control the sands instead of plants and to daze their foes with it, it is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strenght from. In fact, these desert shamans have learned to use the power of the sun to palliate to the lack of nature, giving them new abilities.

(Existing version : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. It is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strenght from.)

Quenoth Shaman : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world, even if stretches of sand have replaced their beloved forests, burnt by the suns so long ago. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quentoh Elves. Furthermore, they're the reminders of ancient times when the world was still covered by trees and fields, and their deepest wish is to make such times rise again one day, but for now, it's only a dream that gives hope to those who listen to the Shamans' stories.

(Existing version : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quenoth Elves.)

Quenoth druid : The Quenoth Druids are primordial parts of the elvish society. They are indeed among the wisest beings walking under the twin suns and in the desert, where it's so hard to maintain even but a sparkle of nature, their vast knowledge of the natural world as well as their powerful healing abilities allow them to care for what can still be saved from the scorching heat of the long days. According to their remarkable skills, there are also the ones responsible for the worship of Eloh, the goddess of the Quenoth Elves.

(Existing version : none)

Quenoth Shyde : Even in a world devoid of forests, the Elves have not forgotten their faerie nature. Quenoth Shydes are in fact more fairy than elf and their bond with the two worlds grants them great powers over the plants as well as over the sands. Their appearance may not be as attractive as it was centuries ago because of the twin suns but these Elves still retain a great majesty and a part of mystery for the other beings of this world.

(Existing version : none)

Quenoth Sun Singer : After the Quenoth Mystics learned that the power of the suns could be wielded, some of them chose to dedicate their lives to it. Within some decades of adaptation to this new kind of magic, the first songs of the twin suns were heard in the elvish city. It took time to the elves to accept these new Sun Singers. They could not understand how those strange elves vould worship the very suns that had destroyed their dear woodlands, but they finally ackwownledged them when they saw their new abilites, fists imbued with fire and a powerful faerie fire.

(Exisitng version : Elves may be slower to adapt than many other races, but when they do, the results can be surprising. Where the elves of old may have sang [it should be "sung" there, no?] the song of woodlands, these elves have found their spiritual home in the light of the twin suns.)

Quenoth Sun Sylph : Stepping beyond what may have once been thought of as out of the boundaries of the faerie world, these elves have transformed into beings of light and fire, able to illuminate even the darkest of nights. Not having spent centuries exploring and perfecting their abilites as their ancetors did, it is unknown what may yet be achieved by elvenkind in the new world. One thing is sure though, these elves are terrifying creatures for the other races and even the other elves can sometimes feel uneasy near them.

(Existing version : Stepping beyond what may have once been thought of as the boundaries of the faerie world, these elves have transformed into beings of light and fire. Not having spent centuries exploring and perecting their abilites as their ancestors did, it is unknown what may yet be achieved by elvenkind in the new world).

Quenoth Scout : Only a few horses survived the Fall, most of them could not adapt to the desert and quickly died. Those who resisted to this new environment, however, became a whole new race, stronger than ever before. The Quenoth Scouts use them to move swiftly across the sands. Their riding skills are unmatched, and they use these to harry and incapacitate enemies.

(Existing version : The Quenoth Scouts move swiftly across the sands. Their riding skills are unmatched, these they use to harry and incapacitate enemies)

Quenoth Pathfinder : Long ago, when bows were a common weapon, for riders, turning and fleeing from an engagement was practically a certain death due to the risk of being shot in the back. Today, however, battle tactics have drastically changed and seeing a race other than elves carrying bows has become rare enough for these elusive Pathfinders to be viable units. They are masters of weakening an enemy while at the same time provoking them to chase - often into a trap.

(Existing version : In most cases, turning and fleeing from an engagement is a risky tactic. These elusive Pathfinders, however, are masters of weakening an enemy while at the same time provoking them to chase - often into a trap)

Quenoth Outrider : Riding like the wind, these hardened explorers have become legends for the creatures living in the sands. Wielding heavy bolas and a sharp curved sword, the Outriders breeze across the sands to strike at weaker units and exposed flanks, before flying off into the sands to evade response. Nobody exactly knows how they take care of their horses to be so sturdy, because it's a secret well kept by these obstinate riders.

(Existing version : Riding like the wind, Outriders breeze across the sands to strike at weaker units and exposed flanks, before flying off into the sands to evade response)

Quenoth Archer : Nothing to say about this one, it's good to me

(Existing version : With the open sands providing much less protection than their old forests did,the wide ranks of elvish archers that could once have stopped an advancing orcish horde in its tracks have all but disappeared. Instead, the few who still choose to dedicate themselves to the traditionnal weapon of their ancestors pratise the from the saddle, easily avoiding the perils of melee combat.)

Quenoth Marksman :When one sees an elvish rider wearing a hood coming at him, he knows he's probably living his last moments. The Quenoth Marksmans are elite mounted archers capable to aim with deadly accuracy while shooting volleys of arrows at full galop. Although nobody can prove it, it is probable that they have exceeded their ancestors in the art of archery.

(A marksman can loose volleys of arrows at their enemies with deadly accuracy, even at full galop.)

Quenoth fighter : Long ago, when the elves were prospering, spears were a never-to-be seen weapon among them. They prefered the much more elegant way of the sword when fighting. But the forests are no more, and the elves' numbers got reduced to a hundredth of what they once were, and the Quenoth Elves were thus forced to adapt to a difficult situation and many of them learned to use a spear and form coordinated defensive shield lines against foes, a tactic they became proficient at.

(Existing version : Fighters make up the bulk of the Quenoth warriors. Aside from being proficient in the use of the spear, they are remarkably skilled in working together and coordinating defense.)

Quenoth Warrior : After some years of training, the promoted Quenoth Fighters receive a glaive to replace their old spear, along with a bigger shield. With a glaive the Quenoth Warriors get both the advantages of a spear's range and the cutting power of a sword, making it their favourite weapon during raids, even if it is harder to use than a regular spear. With their well trained combat formations, these elves can handle even the thoughest situations without a flinch.

(Existing version : none )

Quenoth Champion : Highly respected and admired in the elvish society, the Quenoth Champions are often the ones who train the new recruits, thus giving them the best learning they could hope to receive. It is also not rare to see one of them lead the troops on the battlefield, because everyone believe in their combat skills with the glaive and their ability to organize the ranks in order to create an unbreachable line of shields.

(Existing version : none)

Quenoth Flanker : Some fighters find that their true talents lie not within rigid spear ranks, but out in the sands, striking at the flanks and rear of enemy forces. Fast and nimble, these elves can take advantage of the smallest weaknesses in enemy formations.
An uncommon thing with them is that they rely on poison to weaken the strongest foes before giving them the final blow. In other times, such slimy tactics would have been disapproved by their peers, but in such a cruel world, even the elves now acknowledge their use.

(Existing version :Some fighters find that their true talents lie not within rigid spear ranks, but out in the sands, striking at the flanks and rear of enemy forces. Fast and nimble, these elves can take advantage of the smallest weaknesses in enemy formations.)

Quenoth Ranger : Uncatchable like a snake, swift as the wind, deadly with poison and agile with the sword, the Quenoth Rangers are the doom of distracted enemies and clunky battle formations. In fact, it is thanks to them that the Fighters' formations are so efficient, because they have worked together with the Rangers to correct every possible weak point, to adapt at every possible situation. They may not be as much praised as the warriors, but they sure are as useful as them, if not even more.

(Existing version : none)

(Those are my first tries on some units, I will maybe try to translate them in French when they are finished. Feedback is appreciated to develop my work furthermore or to correct it if it's going on a wrong path. You may notice I've reused big parts of existant descriptions because I judged them valuable, I only found them short)

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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » April 29th, 2018, 9:51 pm

MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Tauroch Vanguard : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations or to rally the infantry around them to hold a position while shielding and inspiring them. When mounted on a Tauroch, the Vanguards can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units. These commanders also carry great flags with them, visible from far away in the sands and great to strike fear in the heart of desert pillagers who see them on the horizon or to give signals to the troops.
The final clause doesn't make sense grammatically: "and great to strike fear..." I don't have any suggestions on how to fix it, but I think basically it needs to be rephrased somehow.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Tauroch Flagbearer : Carrying the great and beautifully decorated banners of the Quenoth Elves into battle, the prestigious Flagbearers are masters of tactics. Years of studying the art of commanding and taking part into hunts, raids and even massive battles against orcs and necromancers have built their reputation over the years. When leading their armies on the battlefield from the back of their mighty Tauroch, they become fearsome enemies nobody should defy unless possessing vastly superior numbers.
(emphasis mine)
  1. That should be "in", not "into".
  2. Personally I think it sounds less awkward if you just remove the reference to who their enemies were in those battles.
  3. This ("unless possessing") is a weird phrasing and I'm sure how best to fix that. One possibility is "unless they possess", another option would be to simply use "without", and there are probably more possibilities too.
Maybe also consider adding "whom" or "who" or even "that" before "nobody"? It's not really necessary but it might flow a little better (and the use of "whom" rather than "who" probably gives it more of a formal air).
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Tauroch Stalwart : A wild Tauroch alone is already difficult enough to dislodge. However, when one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back , it is wiser to seek another path. Letting someone carry javelins on its back is not something Taurochs usually do, because they were earlier hunted by humans, orcs and other evil beings with arrows and javelins, the only weapons able to really pierce their thick natural armor. Thus, for this to happen, the elf must establish an especially strong bond with the beast and a relation of unshakeable trust. Those who manage to do so become powerful defensive units which is necesarry to survive in the desert.
(emphasis mine)
The bolded section doesn't make sense to me. I think I can grasp at its meaning, but it's a very strange wording. I realize it was in the original description, so if you can't think of a better way to say it, I guess it can stay in for now, but...

The second sentence seems a bit rambling. I think it might be best to rewrite it entirely.

And finally, "necessary" is misspelled and you should never, ever have a space before a comma.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Tauroch Protector : It is told that once, an elf and his wounded little brother fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch on a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, the older brother and the tauroch are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's and his brother's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked both of them up with its horns and carried back to their village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.
(emphasis mine) There are quite a few problems in this one, all of which (I think) were already present in the original. For now I'll just point out two of the most grievous errors: that bolded "on" should be "in", and at the end "carried back to their village" needs an object pronoun.

I also can't say I'm happy with the change in gender of the hero of this mini-tale. I think I get why you did it (the unit doesn't have female variations?), but personally I don't feel that this is a good reason. That said... I'm not going to ask you to change it now, unless lots of people agree with me.

The addition of a child to the story, on the other hand, isn't a bad idea.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth mystic : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. Although this magic has been altered by the new harsh environment , allowing them to control the sands instead of plants and to daze their foes with it, it is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strenght from. In fact, these desert shamans have learned to use the power of the sun to palliate to the lack of nature, giving them new abilities.
Two things: "strength" is misspelled, and what the heck is palliate? (checks Wiktionary) Yeah I think it might be better to use a more common term here, like "ameliorate", though maybe get feedback from people other than me on that first
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Shaman : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world, even if stretches of sand have replaced their beloved forests, burnt by the suns so long ago. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quentoh Elves. Furthermore, they're the reminders of ancient times when the world was still covered by trees and fields, and their deepest wish is to make such times rise again one day, but for now, it's only a dream that gives hope to those who listen to the Shamans' stories.
Wow, even "Quenoth" has been misspelled here. Other than that, I'd remove the article in "the reminders", but besides that it seems pretty good.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth druid : The Quenoth Druids are primordial parts of the elvish society. They are indeed among the wisest beings walking under the twin suns and in the desert, where it's so hard to maintain even but a sparkle of nature, their vast knowledge of the natural world as well as their powerful healing abilities allow them to care for what can still be saved from the scorching heat of the long days. According to their remarkable skills, there are also the ones responsible for the worship of Eloh, the goddess of the Quenoth Elves.
(emphasis mine) There's a run-on sentence in here (the first one), it should probably be split into two separate sentences. Also, the bolded section should say "they are".
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Shyde : Even in a world devoid of forests, the Elves have not forgotten their faerie nature. Quenoth Shydes are in fact more fairy than elf and their bond with the two worlds grants them great powers over the plants as well as over the sands. Their appearance may not be as attractive as it was centuries ago because of the twin suns but these Elves still retain a great majesty and a part of mystery for the other beings of this world.
No concrete criticisms here, but it feels a bit rambling and/or run-in. A few more commas in some places might help, and maybe some of the sentences could be split in two.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Sun Singer : After the Quenoth Mystics learned that the power of the suns could be wielded, some of them chose to dedicate their lives to it. Within some decades of adaptation to this new kind of magic, the first songs of the twin suns were heard in the elvish city. It took time to the elves to accept these new Sun Singers. They couldn't understand how those strange elves vould worship the very suns that had destroyed their dear woodlands, but they finally ackwownledged them when they saw their new abilites, fists imbued with fire and a powerful faerie fire.
Several problems here... I don't like the phrase "could be wielded" for some reason. It should take time "for" the elves to accept them, not "to". You also misspelled "would", "acknowledged", and "abilities", and... I feel like there were some good points to the original that have been removed, maybe? I dunno.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Sun Sylph : Stepping beyond what may have once been thought of as out of the boundaries of the faerie world, these elves have transformed into beings of light and fire, able to illuminate even the darkest of nights. Not having spent centuries exploring and perfecting their abilites as their ancetors did, it is unknown what may yet be achieved by elvenkind in the new world. One thing is sure though, these elves are terrifying creatures for the other races and even the other elves can sometimes feel uneasy near them.
Some misspellings here ("abilities" and "ancestors"), and also I wonder if "out of the boundaries" is the correct phrasing for what you mean. Did you mean "out of bounds"?
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Scout : Only a few horses survived the Fall, most of them couldn't adapt to the desert and quickly died. Those who resisted to this new environment, however, became a whole new race, stronger than ever before. The Quenoth Scouts use them to move swiftly across the sands. Their riding skills are unmatched, and they use these to harry and incapacitate enemies.
The phrasing "resisted to" is unnatural. Maybe they "resisted" the new environment, or maybe you need a different word, like "adapted to".

Or, wait... they're not even riding horses anymore, so I think the first half of this description actually needs to be completely rewritten. Though at the same time it's not entirely out of the question that horses might've evolved into the antelope-like creatures, I suppose... but it does strike me as a little strange.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Pathfinder : Long ago, when bows were a common weapon, for riders, turning and fleeing from an engagement was practically a certain death due to the risk of being shot in the back. Today, however, battle tactics have drastically changed and seeing a race other than elves carrying bows has become rare enough for these elusive Pathfinders to be viable units. They are masters of weakening an enemy while at the same time provoking them to chase - often into a trap.
Don't use an article for "certain death". I think there's something wrong with "provoking them to chase" too, but I can't quite put my finger on it...
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Outrider : Riding like the wind, these hardened explorers have become legends for the creatures living in the sands. Wielding heavy bolas and a sharp curved sword, the Outriders breeze across the sands to strike at weaker units and exposed flanks, before flying off into the sands to evade response. Nobody exactly knows how they take of their horses to be so sturdy, because it's a secret well kept by these obstinate riders.
First of all, they're not riding horses, so you'll need to substitute the actual name of the animal they're riding (once that's been decided upon). The phrasing "how they take of" doesn't make any sense, and "evade response" is a little weird (though it does make sense at least).
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
(Existing version : With the open sands providing much less protection than their old forests did,the wide ranks of elvish archers that could once have stopped an advancing orcish horde in its tracks have all but disappeared. Instead, the few who still choose to dedicate themselves to the traditionnal weapon of their ancestors pratise the from the saddle, easily avoiding the perils of melee combat.)
I know this one isn't your work but there are several spelling errors here - a comma missing a space after it, plus "traditional" and "practice". Also I guess that "the" after "practice" should be "it".
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Marksman :When one sees an elvish rider wearing a hood coming at him, he knows he's probably living his last moments. The Quenoth Marksmans are elite mounted archers capable to aim with deadly accuracy while shooting volleys of arrows at full galop. Although nobody can prove it, it's probable that they have exceeded their ancestors in the art of archery.
(emphasis mine) That bolded bit should say "capable of aiming". Also, "gallop" has been misspelled. And personally I would say "possible" rather than "probable", though that's a matter of taste, I guess.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth fighter : Long ago, when the elves were prospering, spears were a never-to-be seen weapon among them. They prefered the much more elegant way of the sword when fighting. But the forests are no more, and the elves' numbers got reduced to a hundredth of what they once were, and the Quenoth Elves were thus forced to adapt to a difficult situation and many of them learned to use a spear and form coordinated defensive shield lines against foes, a tactic they became proficient at.
The last sentence seems to be a run-on sentence and you've misspelled "preferred".

Additionally, I think it's better to say "when the elves prospered" rather than "when the elves were prospering". The phrasing "were a never-to-be-seen weapon" seems a bit awkward too, though I guess it's not too bad.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Warrior : After some years of training, the promoted Quenoth Fighters receive a glaive to replace their old spear, along with a bigger shield. With a glaive the Quenoth Warriors get both the advantages of a spear's range and the cutting power of a sword, making it their favourite weapon during raids, even if it's harder to use than a regular spear. With their well trained combat formations, these elves can handle even the thoughest situations without a flinch.
You misspelled "toughest", and I'm not sure how to feel about the direct reference to promotion. If possible I think it's best to avoid it, but... I'm not sure if it's really a problem here.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Champion : Highly respected and admired in the elvish society, the Quenoth Champions are often the ones who train the new recruits, thus giving them the best learning they could hope to receive. It's also not rare to see one of them lead the troops on the battlefield, because everyone believe in their combat skills with the glaive and their ability to organize the ranks in order to create an unbreachable line of shields.
There should be no article for "elvish society". I'd also avoid it for "Quenoth Champiaons". Possibly also some awkward phrasings here... I'll wait for your next revision before reading more closely though.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Flanker : Some fighters find that their true talents lie not within rigid spear ranks, but out in the sands, striking at the flanks and rear of enemy forces. Fast and nimble, these elves can take advantage of the smallest weaknesses in enemy formations.
An uncommon thing with them is that they rely on poison to weaken the strongest foes before giving them the final blow. In other times, such slimy tactics would have been disapproved by their peers, but in such a cruel world, even the elves now acknowledge their use.
The phrasing "An uncommon thing with them" is rather awkward.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 8:44 pm
Quenoth Ranger : Uncatchable like a snake, swift as the wind, deadly with poison and agile with the sword, the Quenoth Rangers are the doom of distracted enemies and clunky battle formations. In fact, it's thanks to them that the Fighters' formations are so efficient, because they have worked together with the Rangers to correct every possible weak point, to adapt at every possible situation. They may not be as much praised as the warriors, but they sure are as useful as them, if not even more.
There's nothing technically wrong with "uncatchable", but I don't like it. The only alternative I can think of is "elusive" though, and I'm not sure if that's a good choice. And you adapt "to", not "at". Also, "they sure are" is an informal phrasing that doesn't really belong in a unit description. There's also a slight referencing ambiguity in "they sure are as useful as them"; while it's certainly possible to work out that "they" and "them" refer to different antecedents, it's better to rephrase it to avoid the ambiguity.



I look forward to your next revision, but please try to make a new post this time instead of editing the old post.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by zookeeper » April 29th, 2018, 10:19 pm

They're not evolved horses.

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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » April 29th, 2018, 10:28 pm

Well, I guess that decides that matter. :)
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by doofus-01 » April 30th, 2018, 5:48 am

zookeeper wrote:
April 29th, 2018, 10:19 pm
They're not evolved horses.
Hallelujah! That would have been bizarre.

We do need to get rid of references to horses in the campaign dialogues/messages, anyone have a good suggestion for replacements? (Let's not just call them "antelopes" or "gazelles".)
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by beetlenaut » April 30th, 2018, 6:55 am

doofus-01 wrote:
April 30th, 2018, 5:48 am
We do need to get rid of references to horses in the campaign dialogues/messages, anyone have a good suggestion for replacements?
I would suggest something that's similar to an antelope species so it may bring one to mind: Dunebok, Beylond, Aurichs.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Sur_191 » April 30th, 2018, 7:13 am

doofus-01 wrote:
April 30th, 2018, 5:48 am
We do need to get rid of references to horses in the campaign dialogues/messages, anyone have a good suggestion for replacements?
Maybe "Dorcas"?

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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Kasdel » April 30th, 2018, 2:15 pm

"Dorqas", "Dhorqas" or "Dorqhas" for added flavor? :lol: Figured the "q" and "h" of "Quenoth" could feature in the name so it has a similar naming style.

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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by beetlenaut » April 30th, 2018, 2:30 pm

Dorcas sounds awkward (at least to a native English speaker). It's an insult used by children.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » April 30th, 2018, 8:11 pm

I'll be reworking the grammar and phrasing. I should verify in the older posts why there are so many errors... I think the forum has struggled to copy paste the old post ( I think it's that, I've already corrected 2-3 things that sounded like impossible errors, when suppressing the contractions)

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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » May 1st, 2018, 12:12 am

beetlenaut wrote:
April 30th, 2018, 2:30 pm
Dorcas sounds awkward (at least to a native English speaker). It's an insult used by children.
I'm a native English speaker and I'm pretty sure I've never hear that.

That said, using that word for an animal gives off more of a cetacean impression for me, so I wouldn't recommend it for these creatures.

What's with all the "bok" stuff? Both doofus and beetlenaut suggested a variant of that and I have no idea why that would be a logical suggestion.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by beetlenaut » May 1st, 2018, 12:25 am

Celtic_Minstrel wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 12:12 am
I'm a native English speaker and I'm pretty sure I've never hear that.
I teach elementary school, and I hear it. (It's a variation on "dork" of course.)
Celtic_Minstrel wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 12:12 am
What's with all the "bok" stuff? Both doofus and beetlenaut suggested a variant of that and I have no idea why that would be a logical suggestion.
There are real antelope species called springbok, gemsbok, steenbok, and so on.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am

(Improvements and future descritpions will be added as I work)

Tauroch Rider : I actually don't have much more to say about this one. I found it already fairly good.

(Existing version : Taurochs are huge, hardened beasts of the desert, considered untamable by most surviving races. However, the elves' affinty with nature has allowed them to form an unlikely bond with them. While Taurochs can easily carry or pull heavy loads, their thick hides and unwavering resolution also make them formidable mounts in battle. A Tauroch guided by a skilled rider can hold off multiple enemies long enough for assistance to arrive.)

Tauroch Vanguard : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations or to rally the infantry around them to hold a position while shielding and inspiring them. When mounted on a Tauroch, the Vanguards can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units. These commanders also carry great flags with them, visible from far away in the sands, they are great to scare off the least courageous desert pillagers who see them on the horizon or to give signals to the troops.

(Existing version : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations. Shielding and inspiring infantry behind them, these commanders can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units.)

I decided to replace "fear" with the verb "scare off", hopefully it should be better, grammatically speaking but I look forward to feedback for that.

Tauroch Flagbearer : Carrying the great and beautifully decorated banners of the Quenoth Elves into battle, the prestigious Flagbearers are masters of tactics. Years of studying the art of commanding and taking part in hunts, raids and even massive battles against the creatures of darkness have built their reputation over the years. When leading their armies on the battlefield from the back of their mighty Tauroch, they become fearsome enemies whom nobody should defy without vastly superior numbers or equal skills in strategy, which is very unlikely.

(Existing version : Carrying the banners from the Quenoth elves into battle,the prestigious flagbearers are also masters of tactics. Any enemy commander intending on besting them on the battlefield must invariably possess vastly superior numbers)

I've corrected the "into" problem and changed the phrasing of the last sentence (I've also added a little extra in the end because I felt that way but I might remove it later). As for the mentionned enemies, I really wanted to give a proper face to the enemies seen in large scale battles but, according to feedback, I've changed it for a wider name including all the dark creatures of Uria.

Tauroch Stalwart : A wild Tauroch alone is already difficult enough to dislodge. However, when one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back, it is wiser to seek another path. Letting someone carry javelins on its back is not something Taurochs usually do, because they were earlier hunted by humans, orcs and other evil beings with arrows and javelins, the only weapons able to really pierce their thick natural armor. Thus, for this to happen, the elf must establish an especially strong bond with the beast and a relation of unshakeable trust and if he succeeds, he can become a powerful defender.

(Existing version : It is dificult enough to dislodge a stubborn wild tauroch. When one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back, it is wiser to seek another path.)

"when one has made common cause with" I can understand it sounds weird and I had issues with that too in the beginning but I don't know... Now I feel like it has its place in there (I'll wait for more opinions before touching that second sentence). I've suppressed the last sentence and made a little modification in the previous one because I felt the last part was rather not useful at all.

Tauroch Protector : It is told that once, an elf and his wounded little brother fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch in a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, the older sister and the tauroch are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's and his brother's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked both of them up with its horns and carried them back to their village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.

(Existing version : It is told that once, an elf fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch on a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, they are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked her up with its horns and carried back to her village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.)

Errors corrected, as for the change of gender of the older elf, I must admit that it was completely unecessary and I can't even remember why I changed it in the first place. Maybe I just thought a boy was better fit for the tale? I dunno, maybe it was unvoluntary sexism from my part there and I realize that if it wass the case, it's simply stupid because of Nym, who proves me that a she-elf can totally be a strong warrior and not only a shaman. Anyway, after reflexion, I'm changing that back.

Remark about the Tauroch Protector: The only reason why I modified the existing version is because I feeled the purpose of protecting was missing in the current one. Apart from that, I loved its concept. (In fact, I was tempted to create a legend like this for an unit but this one is already really nice).

Quenoth mystic : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. Although this magic has been altered by the new harsh environment , allowing them to control the sands instead of plants and to daze their foes with it, it is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strength from. In fact, these desert shamans have learned to use the power of the sun to palliate to the lack of nature, giving them new abilities.

(Existing version : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. It is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strenght from.)

Strength was corrected. I'll leave the word "palliate" for now, but if you need to know why I used it specifically, it's because I referred to French when searching for an appropriate word ( Palliate => Pallier and in French that word is very appreciated for formal uses).

Quenoth Shaman : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world, even if stretches of sand have replaced their beloved forests, burnt by the suns so long ago. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quenoth Elves. Furthermore, they're reminders of ancient times when the world was still covered by trees and fields, and their deepest wish is to make such times rise again one day, but for now, it's only a dream that gives hope to those who listen to the Shamans' stories.

(Existing version : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quenoth Elves.)

How in the world could I misspel Quenoth? pfff, that was stupid from me. I've also removed "the" before "reminders".

Quenoth druid : The Quenoth Druids are primordial parts of the elvish society. They are indeed among the wisest beings walking under the twin suns and in the desert, where it's so hard to maintain even but a sparkle of nature. Their vast knowledge of the natural world as well as their powerful healing abilities allow them to care for what can still be saved from the scorching heat of the long days. According to their remarkable skills, they are also the ones responsible for the worship of Eloh, the goddess of the Quenoth Elves.

(Existing version : none)

I've split the central sentence here and corrected the error that should, again..., never have been there in the first place.

Quenoth Shyde : Even in a world devoid of forests, the Elves have not forgotten their faerie nature. Quenoth Shydes are in fact more fairy than elf and their bond with the two worlds grants them great powers over the plants, as well as over the sands. Their appearance may not be as attractive as it was centuries ago because of the twin suns, but these Elves still retain a great majesty and a part of mystery for the other beings of this world.

(Existing version : none)

Added two commas here.

Quenoth Sun Singer : After the Quenoth Mystics learned that the power of the suns could be controlled and used to manipulate fire, some of them chose to dedicate their lives to it. Within some decades of adaptation to this new kind of magic, the first songs of the twin suns were heard in the elvish city. It took time for the elves to accept these new Sun Singers. They could not understand how those strange elves would choose their spiritual home in the light of the very suns that had destroyed their dear woodlands, but they finally acknownledged them when they saw their new abilities, fists imbued with fire and a powerful faerie fire.

(Existing version : Elves may be slower to adapt than many other races, but when they do, the results can be surprising. Where the elves of old may have sang [it should be "sung" there, no?] the song of woodlands, these elves have found their spiritual home in the light of the twin suns.)

I've found a way to replace the idea of spiritual home, and I think it's good Beetlenaut made a remark about good ideas that had been abandonned because I was also worried about making that part disappear so it's back. I've also changed "could be wielded" for now but I might replace it, this one will depend on feedback.

Quenoth Sun Sylph : Stepping beyond what may have once been thought of as out of the boundaries of the faerie world, these elves have transformed into beings of light and fire, able to illuminate even the darkest of nights. Not having spent centuries exploring and perfecting their abilities as their ancestors did, it is unknown what may yet be achieved by elvenkind in the new world. One thing is sure though, these elves are terrifying creatures for the other races and even the other elves can sometimes feel uneasy near them.

(Existing version : Stepping beyond what may have once been thought of as the boundaries of the faerie world, these elves have transformed into beings of light and fire. Not having spent centuries exploring and perecting their abilites as their ancestors did, it is unknown what may yet be achieved by elvenkind in the new world).

The "out of boundaries" part comes straight from the original and, according to my limits of English knowledge, I didn't find a good reason to change it. Also, as usual, errors corrected.

Quenoth Scout : Unfortunately for the elves, the horses they had been using for so long to move across the forests all trespassed during the Fall, unable to survive in a desert. But the story doesn't end here. The elves found a new creature in their home, it was their first encounter with what they later called Desert Horses even though these beings aren't horses at all.

The Quenoth Scouts use them to move swiftly across the sands. Their riding skills are unmatched, and they use these to harry and incapacitate enemies.

(Existing version : The Quenoth Scouts move swiftly across the sands. Their riding skills are unmatched, these they use to harry and incapacitate enemies)

Good point of several people here, their mounts aren't horses. However, since, for now, we don't seem to find a name for these creatures, I've gone ahead and called them Desert Horses while clearly stating they aren't horses. It's an adventurous move I made here but I think it might work if these antilopes don't get a proper name.

Quenoth Pathfinder : Long ago, when bows were a common weapon, for riders, turning and fleeing from an engagement was practically certain death due to the risk of being shot in the back. Today, however, battle tactics have drastically changed and seeing a race other than elves carrying bows has become rare enough for these elusive Pathfinders to be viable units. They are masters of weakening an enemy while at the same time testing their patience. Frequently, one of them gets fooled and start to chase the Pathfinder, often into a trap.

(Existing version : In most cases, turning and fleeing from an engagement is a risky tactic. These elusive Pathfinders, however, are masters of weakening an enemy while at the same time provoking them to chase - often into a trap)

Error corrected, and I've tested a new phrasing for the chase part. I'll need feedback here though, if there's a better word than patience I'll gladly take it.

Quenoth Outrider : Riding like the wind, these hardened explorers have become legends for the creatures living in the sands. Wielding heavy bolas and a sharp curved sword, the Outriders breeze across the sands to strike at weaker units and exposed flanks, before flying off into the sands to escape any counter attack. Nobody exactly knows how they take care of their mounts to be so sturdy, because it's a secret well kept by these obstinate riders.

(Existing version : Riding like the wind, Outriders breeze across the sands to strike at weaker units and exposed flanks, before flying off into the sands to evade response)

There was a "care" supposed to be present there, I don't know why it disappeared, maybe I simply forgot it while writing...? And I've replaced "evade response" by "escape any counter attack" but I'll admit I preferred the first phrasing, I'll see about that.

Quenoth Archer : Nothing to say about this one, it's good to me

(Existing version : With the open sands providing much less protection than their old forests did, the wide ranks of elvish archers that could once have stopped an advancing orcish horde in its tracks have all but disappeared. Instead, the few who still choose to dedicate themselves to the traditional weapon of their ancestors pratice it from the saddle, easily avoiding the perils of melee combat.)

Inattention errors of my part while copying here :whistle:

Quenoth Marksman :When one sees an elvish rider wearing a hood coming at him, he knows he's probably living his last moments. The Quenoth Marksmans are elite mounted archers capable of aiming with deadly accuracy while shooting volleys of arrows at full gallop. Although nobody can prove it, it is likely that they have exceeded their ancestors in the art of archery.

(A marksman can loose volleys of arrows at their enemies with deadly accuracy, even at full gallop.)

Hmmm, "possible" instead of "probable", sounds less weird for sure, but I'll replace it with "likely" instead because it's the word I was looking for and couldn't find for some obscure reason.

Quenoth fighter : Long ago, when the elves prospered, spears were a never-to-be-seen weapon among them. They preferred the much more elegant way of the sword when fighting. But the forests are no more, and the elves' numbers got reduced to a hundredth of what they once were, and the Quenoth Elves were thus forced to adapt to a difficult situation. Many of them learned to use a spear and form coordinated defensive shield lines against foes, a tactic they became proficient at.

(Existing version : Fighters make up the bulk of the Quenoth warriors. Aside from being proficient in the use of the spear, they are remarkably skilled in working together and coordinating defense.)

Misspelling correced once again and I've changed the prospering part. However, I'll keep the "never-to-be-seen" for now because I like it and I won't change it unnless several people tell me to do so...

Quenoth Warrior : After some years of training, the veteran Quenoth Fighters receive a glaive to replace their old spear, along with a bigger shield. With a glaive the Quenoth Warriors get both the advantages of a spear's range and the cutting power of a sword, making it their favourite weapon during raids, even if it is harder to use than a regular spear. With their well trained combat formations, these elves can handle even the toughest situations without a flinch.

(Existing version : none )

Replaced "promoted" by "veteran" and corrected "toughest"

Quenoth Champion : Highly respected and admired in elvish society, Quenoth Champions are often required to train new recruits, thus giving them the best learning they could hope to receive aswell as a strong sense of fellowship. It is also common to see one of them lead the troops on the battlefield, because everyone believe in their combat skills with the glaive and their ability to organize the ranks in order to create an unbreachable line of shields.

(Existing version : none)

Suppressed several "the" here and added the idea of "fellowship" and replaced "not rare" by "common"

Quenoth Flanker : Some fighters find that their true talents lie not within rigid spear ranks, but out in the sands, striking at the flanks and rear of enemy forces. Fast and nimble, these elves can take advantage of the smallest weaknesses in enemy formations.
Suprisingly enough, they rely on poison to weaken the strongest foes before giving them the final blow. In other times, such slimy tactics would have been disapproved by their peers, but in such a cruel world, even the elves now acknowledge their use.

(Existing version :Some fighters find that their true talents lie not within rigid spear ranks, but out in the sands, striking at the flanks and rear of enemy forces. Fast and nimble, these elves can take advantage of the smallest weaknesses in enemy formations.)

Added "surprisingly enough" the replace "Uncommon thing" here.

Quenoth Ranger : Uncatchable like a snake, swift as the wind, deadly with poison and agile with the sword, the Quenoth Rangers are the doom of distracted enemies and clunky battle formations. In fact, it is thanks to them that the Fighters' formations are so efficient, because they have worked together with the Rangers to correct every possible weak point, to adapt to every possible situation. Rangers may not be as much praised as the warriors, but they certainly are as useful as them, if not even more.

(Existing version : none)

Errors corrected, I've added Rangers in the last sentence to weaken the ambiguity but I might completely change it later, and I've replaced "they sure are" by "they certainly are" but I'm not quite sure it's an improvement, I'll see with feedback.

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