Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

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MarkoLeSerbe
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » May 1st, 2018, 8:46 am

Feeew, it takes time to completely revise such a big text, but it's worth it, and my latest drafts are finally available with some notes to explain the reasons of the changes (big thanks to Beetlenaut for helping me with my grammar, it's much appreciated)

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Celtic_Minstrel
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » May 2nd, 2018, 12:14 am

I'll try to remember to look over the revisions later; feel free to remind me in the channel (IRC/Discord) if I forget.
Author of The Black Cross of Aleron campaign and Default++ era.
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Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by beetlenaut » May 2nd, 2018, 1:32 pm

Okay, some of them are nearly there, but others need a lot more work. I don't plan on spending any more time on it until they are closer to done though. If I had time to rewrite them, I would have already done it myself.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
(Existing version : Taurochs are huge, hardened beasts of the desert, considered untamable by most surviving races. However, the elves' affinty with nature has allowed them to form an unlikely bond with them. While Taurochs can easily carry or pull heavy loads, their thick hides and unwavering resolution also make them formidable mounts in battle. A Tauroch guided by a skilled rider can hold off multiple enemies long enough for assistance to arrive.)
There is a little revision needed. First, "afinity" is mispelled. Second, "...them to form an unlikely bond with them" is allowed grammatically, but is a little confusing. I would change the second "them" to "the animals".
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Tauroch Vanguard : The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed not only to hold ground, but also to lead a charge to break enemy formations or to rally the infantry around them to hold a position while shielding and inspiring them. When mounted on a Tauroch, the Vanguards can survive the thick of battle better than those on foot or more slender units. These commanders also carry great flags with them, visible from far away in the sands, they are great to scare off the least courageous desert pillagers who see them on the horizon or to give signals to the troops.

I decided to replace "fear" with the verb "scare off", hopefully it should be better, grammatically speaking but I look forward to feedback for that.
The first sentence is long and awkward. It could be simplified a lot with the first part reversed: "The massive and fearless taurochs are often employed, not only to charge and break through enemy formations, but to rally and inspire the infantry to hold their ground." ("Rallying" doesn't need a preposition, and shielding a unit is really the opposite of leadership in Wesnoth, so I took it out. With "to" starting each clause, I put an "and" after "charge" to remove confusion.) It should be "across" instead of "in" the sands, and there has to be a period after "sands" as well. The next sentence should also be reversed to put the clause that is easier to understand first: "They are great to signal the troops or to strike fear in desert pillagers who see them on the horizon." "Scare off" is grammatically correct, but too informal for this type of writing, and "least courageous" seems to undermine your point.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Tauroch Flagbearer : Carrying the great and beautifully decorated banners of the Quenoth Elves into battle, the prestigious Flagbearers are masters of tactics. Years of studying the art of commanding and taking part in hunts, raids and even massive battles against the creatures of darkness have built their reputation over the years. When leading their armies on the battlefield from the back of their mighty Tauroch, they become fearsome enemies whom nobody should defy without vastly superior numbers or equal skills in strategy, which is very unlikely.
"Tauroch" should be "taurochs" I think. I would remove the bit at the end. At least, "which is very unlikely," as you've already made that point, and it just weakens the ending.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Tauroch Stalwart : A wild Tauroch alone is already difficult enough to dislodge. However, when one has made common cause with a skilled javelineer on its back, it is wiser to seek another path. Letting someone carry javelins on its back is not something Taurochs usually do, because they were earlier hunted by humans, orcs and other evil beings with arrows and javelins, the only weapons able to really pierce their thick natural armor. Thus, for this to happen, the elf must establish an especially strong bond with the beast and a relation of unshakeable trust and if he succeeds, he can become a powerful defender.
The sentence starting with "Letting" gets a little rambling. I would suggest: "Letting its rider carry javelins is not something a tauroch would usually do because those are one of the only weapons able to pierce their thick natural armor." (I also made a couple other small changes.) "Unshakable" is mispelled. The last sentence is run-on and needs to be split. Put a period after "trust," and start again with "If". The reason that "made common cause with" sounds wrong is that it's a process used by two sentient entities, and taurochs are animals. I would say, "If you see one with a skilled javelineer mounted on its back". (And removing "on its back" from the second sentence like a did above.)
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Tauroch Protector : It is told that once, an elf and his wounded little brother fleeing from an orcish hunting party came across a young stray tauroch in a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, the older sister and the tauroch are said to have fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, as the elf had mended the tauroch's and his brother's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, the beast had gently picked both of them up with its horns and carried them back to their village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of these mounts and riders both is undeniable.
There is some pronoun and preposition trouble here. Also "told" needs an object, and "little brother" is pretty modern. Try this: "A story is told that once, an elf, carrying her wounded younger brother, was fleeing from an orcish hunting party and came across a young stray tauroch at a small oasis. Understanding that neither meant any harm to the other, the girl and the tauroch fought side by side through a long night, driving off the orcs at sunrise. Afterwards, when the elf had mended the tauroch's and her brother's wounds and finally collapsed from exhaustion, it is said that the beast gently picked both of them up with its horns and carried them back to their village.

Whether the story is true is unknown, but the loyalty and resolve of both these mounts and their riders is undeniable."[/quote]
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Quenoth mystic : Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. Although this magic has been altered by the new harsh environment , allowing them to control the sands instead of plants and to daze their foes with it, it is a testament to the resilience of the elves that they are able to accomplish this in a world devoid of vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strength from. In fact, these desert shamans have learned to use the power of the sun to palliate to the lack of nature, giving them new abilities.
We go back and forth between sand and forests a lot. This could be made simpler to understand:
"Like their ancestors, Quenoth Mystics have the potential to become great wielders of magic. However, this magic has been altered by the new, harsh environment, devoid of the vast forests from which their forebears drew much of their strength. It is a testament to the adaptability of elves that they are now able to control the sands and daze their foes with it. These desert shamans have also learned to use the power of the sun to restore their companions to health."
I also changed the sentence at the end because it had several problems. For one, palliate needs to refer to a specific injury in English, and is very uncommon as well.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Quenoth Shaman : Shamans seek to maintain the elves' traditional connection with the natural world, even if stretches of sand have replaced their beloved forests, burnt by the suns so long ago. Using their vast knowledge of plants of the desert to heal allies and their magical abilities to bolster crops, they serve an invaluable role among the Quenoth Elves. Furthermore, they're reminders of ancient times when the world was still covered by trees and fields, and their deepest wish is to make such times rise again one day, but for now, it's only a dream that gives hope to those who listen to the Shamans' stories.
This doesn't really work. The Quenoth did have a sacred tree, but there is no indication that they wish to live in the forest, let alone deeply wish it. In fact, there are several lines that imply that the Quenoth prefer desert terrain, and others that suggest that they have no knowledge of how the world was before. This should be reworked.
MarkoLeSerbe wrote:
May 1st, 2018, 8:43 am
Quenoth Shyde: ...Their appearance may not be as attractive as it was centuries ago because of the twin suns
I don't know how to read this other than as a reference to their darker skin. It's an irrelevant personal opinion, and an offensive one AFAICT, so I'm done now.
Campaigns: Dead Water
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MarkoLeSerbe
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Joined: April 7th, 2018, 2:08 pm

Re: Descriptions for the Quenoth Elves (Finished drafts)

Post by MarkoLeSerbe » Yesterday, 2:31 pm

Hello again, I'm finally back on this. As I said on discord, I've got other things to worry about, like graduating, way too long holidays,... but now it's over and I have 1,5 months to finish what I started long ago by now.

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