Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

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pyndragon
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by pyndragon » April 8th, 2016, 6:13 am

Gyra_Solune wrote: Saurian Ambusher
Spoiler:
I like this water metaphor, but think it might be better phrased "slipping away like water from an open palm."
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » April 9th, 2016, 1:56 am

pyndragon wrote:
Celtic_Minstrel wrote:I haven't played DiD, but in Delfador's Memoirs, he brings ghosts (and, I think also ghouls) back from some sort of "land of the dead" place. Now, I didn't finish the campaign, so I might've missed some big reveal later, but to me this seems like a case of ghosts that came into existence without the intervention of any mage.
Spoiler:
This sounds like it supports what I said.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by pyndragon » April 9th, 2016, 4:04 pm

Celtic_Minstrel wrote: This sounds like it supports what I said.
The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » April 12th, 2016, 11:22 pm

pyndragon wrote:The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.
Your spoilered text seems to imply the exact opposite.
Spoiler:
Is Gyra_Solune finished with this work yet? At some point it should probably be converted to a pull request, or at least a patch that can be reviewed and applied.
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by pyndragon » April 13th, 2016, 3:42 am

Celtic_Minstrel wrote:
pyndragon wrote:The Land of the Dead is implementation detail. The crux of it is that spirits are always summoned, never naturally arising.
Your spoilered text seems to imply the exact opposite.
Spoiler:
Ok, thanks for that clarification. It sounds like I just misunderstood what you were saying.
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zookeeper
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by zookeeper » April 24th, 2016, 7:09 pm

First batch (the monster units) committed. I left out the wolves and scorpion for now, because I think those can be improved a bit further.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by beetlenaut » April 24th, 2016, 8:11 pm

These are nice, but there are some grammatical mistakes in this one:
Sea Serpents incite fear and awe in fishermen and sailors, figuring often in folklore as a wrathful deity of the sea. Capable of destroying ships effortlessly, and possessed of seemingly endless strength and vitality, these elusive leviathans are destructive and relentless to any who try to combat them. Generally living in the deep seas, Sea Serpents are imposing even to the elite merfolk warriors, and are the reason they seldom inhabit further than the shallow shore.
There is a singular/plural mishap in the first sentence, "further" apparently comparing non-adjectives, and "shore" referred to as "shallow" (shore is the land).

This is corrected:
Sea Serpents incite fear and awe in fishermen and sailors, figuring often in folklore as wrathful deities of the sea. Capable of destroying ships effortlessly, and possessed of seemingly endless strength and vitality, these elusive leviathans are destructive and relentless to any who try to combat them. Generally living in the deep seas, Sea Serpents are imposing even to the elite merfolk warriors, and are the reason they seldom inhabit waters far from the shore.
(I know I should commit this myself, but I still haven't gotten around to learning git yet.)
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by zookeeper » April 24th, 2016, 9:31 pm

Yeah, I missed those. Fixed.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » April 28th, 2016, 11:20 pm

Yay, committed stuff! I..suppose I will see about rewriting the potentially problematic ones!

Sorry about absences though, class heating up lately, but it's soon to end and I'll get back to anything remaining. Besides campaign units, is there anything else people here see as potentially weak and in need of rewrites?

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by nuorc » April 28th, 2016, 11:51 pm

@Gyra_Solune: Well, since you ask: I want to propose a tip of the day for the 'Add-ons' button; what do you think?
nuorc wrote:

Code: Select all

Try the 'Add-ons' button to see additional downloadable content like user made campaigns, eras, map packs and other resources.

- [i]The Wesnoth Tactical Guide[/i]
Or with more 'excitement'?

Code: Select all

Try the 'Add-ons' button to see additional downloadable content like user made campaigns, eras, map packs and other resources to vastly expand your personal Wesnoth universe!

- [i]The Wesnoth Tactical Guide[/i]
I think a tip for that button would be good, I don't know about the wording, and I couldn't think of a better 'source' than the 'Wesnoth Tactical Guide'...
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Aldarisvet » May 3rd, 2016, 11:33 am

I am upgrading Russian translations of mainline campaigns now and found that -
http://units.wesnoth.org/1.12/mainline/ ... rcher.html
Same for the trunk.

I am going to translate "This is a stub!" - this way:

Some elven riders specialize in archery at a full gallop. For a human such accuracy and rate of fire on horseback can seem almost supernatural.

______________________

Also I found that line

Noble Youth -> Noble Fighter -> Noble Commander -> Noble Lord

from http://units.wesnoth.org/trunk/mainline ... snoth.html
and descriptions of it as quite strange. This line used only for Haldric, so why writing it that way? I know this line was mainlined at 1.0, but it is no more mainlined for ages.

So I am going to translate it as
Young Prince -> Prince-Fighter -> Prince-Commander -> Great Prince
In Russian, translation of that 'noble' line was looking totally absurd in context of Prince Haldric.
And this description: "Today he is a young man, by his devotion to the crown he is seeking to become a Lord — to join the elite of humanity" looks wierd to the young prince Haldric.

______________________________

Another strange thing is here

http://units.wesnoth.org/trunk/mainline ... Guard.html

Horseman Commander at level2 but Infantry Commander at level3. Also Lieutenant is used at level2 for horseman hero but General at level3 for Infantryman hero, no consistency in using military ranks.
I suggest this lines (I will translate this way to Russian) :
Horseman Commander -> Horseman Lieutenant -> Horseman General
Infantry Lieutenant -> Infantry General
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » May 12th, 2016, 4:35 am

So lemme take another shot at the four ones mentioned to not be committed (though I am not sure exactly what is wrong with the previous ones, would help if that was cleared up).

Wolf
Spoiler:
Great Wolf
Spoiler:
Direwolf
Spoiler:
Giant Scorpion
Spoiler:
Do tell me if these are fine enough! Or if not, what their issues may be!

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by ForestDragon » May 12th, 2016, 5:14 pm

you keep improving, good job, but here are a few minor tweaks (not fll text, only parts i decided to improve to make them sound more beautifully):
Great Wolf:
Direwolf:
Giant Scorpion:
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Caladbolg » May 12th, 2016, 5:23 pm

The only issue I can find is with the Great Wolf:
Gyra_Solune wrote:Some wolves are much bigger and stronger than those typically found in the wilds - it's unknown if some just naturally reach this size, or if they are a different breed altogether.
-In cases where you are proposing 2 alternatives (naturally reach this size OR a different breed) it sounds more natural to use 'whether' instead of 'if'. In that case it might also be better to change the 2nd 'if' to 'whether' for the sake of consistency. Oh, and I don't think the comma is necessary before 'or'.

-Using 'some' again sounds a bit weird because you've already used it in the beginning to specify that you're talking about only a portion of the wolves (Some wolves...). Replacing it with 'they' should do the trick as you've already established that you're talking about 'some wolves'. Admittedly, it doesn't sound too wrong as it is so it may be that my sense is a bit off here.

-'just naturally' seems weird... I'm not sure if you can use 'just' along with an adverb. Maybe it's safer to throw it out?

So, it would be: 'Some wolves are much bigger and stronger than those typically found in the wilds - it's unknown whether they naturally reach this size or whether they are a different breed altogether.'
Do note that english is not my first language so I'm going by feeling. It would be good if someone more knowledgeable commented on this.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Celtic_Minstrel » May 12th, 2016, 11:54 pm

Gyra_solune: First of all, given that the dire wolf is based on a real (extinct) animal rather than myths, I'm not sure that "tall as a horse" is accurate. It's possible that this has in fact been established in some campaign somewhere, but the real dire wolf was not that large, only a little larger than the still-extant grey wolf, and I think probably not larger than the larger breeds of dogs such as Great Dane. Also, since they are a separate species, I think they would normally run in packs composed solely of dire wolves, rather than leading packs of lesser wolves. Though the existence of the optional advancement path does kind of suggest otherwise to some extent...

My second point is that scorpions are not necessary solely desert creatures. I'm not entirely sure where the scorpions appear in extant campaigns, but it would make sense for them to be found in forests as well as (possibly instead of?) deserts.
ForestDragon wrote:though they greatly fear fire, and are known to be easily repelled and slain by flames.>but while they can be a real pain when fought with blades and maces, these fiends' main weakness is fire, and due to that, most civilized races who live in envieroments (someone please correct me about this word) learned to utilize it to repell these beasts with ease.[/spoiler]
I think this is unnecessarily wordy, and in addition, "races who live in environments" pretty much means "anyone who lives anywhere", so it doesn't really make sense.
Caladbolg wrote:-'just naturally' seems weird... I'm not sure if you can use 'just' along with an adverb. Maybe it's safer to throw it out?
It's valid like that, though a slightly awkward ordering. The relationship between "just" and "naturally" here is coordination - they're both modifying the verb "reach". It might sound more natural to say "the just reach this size naturally".

I'm also a little unsure on the recommendation of the second "if"/"whether". There's also the possibility of omitting it, but I think it does sound fine if you say "whether... or if".
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