Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

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Gyra_Solune
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Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » January 26th, 2016, 11:56 am

Here is where I am rewriting a bunch of unit descriptions - here is core units, campaign ones are next post.

Dwarvish Steelclad
Spoiler:
Peasant
Spoiler:
Royal Warrior
Spoiler:
Sergeant
Spoiler:
Lieutenant
Spoiler:
General
Spoiler:
Merman Fighter
Spoiler:
Merman Warrior
Spoiler:
Merman Triton
Spoiler:
Orcish Grunt
Spoiler:
Orcish Warrior
Spoiler:
Orcish Warlord
Spoiler:
Giant Rat:
Spoiler:
Wolf
Spoiler:
Great Wolf
Spoiler:
Direwolf
Spoiler:
Giant Scorpion
Spoiler:
Mudcrawler
Spoiler:
Giant Mudcrawler
Spoiler:
Sea Serpent
Spoiler:
Tentacle of the Deep
Spoiler:
Yeti
Spoiler:
Falcons
Spoiler:
Saurians
Spoiler:
Wolves
Spoiler:
Falcon
Spoiler:
Ancient Lich
Spoiler:
Chocobone
Spoiler:
Death Knight
Spoiler:
Saurian Skirmisher
Spoiler:
Saurian Ambusher
Spoiler:
Saurian Flanker
Spoiler:
Last edited by Gyra_Solune on August 24th, 2016, 7:16 am, edited 13 times in total.

Chewan
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Chewan » January 26th, 2016, 9:47 pm

I haven't yet read through your suggestions, Gyra_Solune, but it's always good to grasp the nettle! :D
I was just going to ask about the poor wolves...
The last discussion came to an abrupt end without too many gaps filled...
Hopefully, iceiceice is still available to commit potential updates.

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » January 26th, 2016, 10:58 pm

Campaign Units



Dead Water



Child King (rename: Merman Heir)
Spoiler:
Young King (Rename: Merman Prince)
Spoiler:
Soldier King (Rename: Merman Ruler)
Spoiler:
Warrior King (Rename: Merman Monarch)
Spoiler:
Merman Citizen
Spoiler:
Merman Brawler
Spoiler:
Kraken
Spoiler:


Delfador's Memoirs



Journeyman Mage
Spoiler:
Mage Leader
Spoiler:
Last edited by Gyra_Solune on August 24th, 2016, 6:11 am, edited 8 times in total.

Caladbolg
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Caladbolg » January 27th, 2016, 5:51 pm

These are really nice ^^. I have a few minor nitpicks if you don't mind:
Direwolf:
Gyra_Solune wrote:They are seldom seen, due to the forbidding conditions of their realm,the wide range that a solitary one of these wolves hunts clean of prey, and their deadliness to any unprepared interlopers in their domain.
I think that this might be a tad verbose because you could get the point across even if you left out the bolded part. As it is, the sentence sounds like a list of reasons the wolves are not seen and sounds a bit strange as a part of a unit description.

Mudcrawler:
One of the simplest beings a dark mage can conjure...
Mudcrawlers seem to be simple enough that any mage could conjure them, not just dark ones. As such, I feel that stating that they are conjured by dark mages might be unnecessarily restrictive. It should be fine if you leave out the word "dark".

Royal Warrior:
these nobles are well conditioned to the art of heavy armor
Art of heavy armor? (I'm not a native speaker so maybe this is alright but it just sounds strange to me).

Merman Warrior:
Their skill and diligence with their tridents are impressive even compared to the soldiers of other races
To me, this seems to imply that other races have very skillful trident wielders. They don't. Maybe rephrase it somehow?

Orcish Grunt:
What makes an orcish horde most threatening is the sheer numbers with which these fighters can be fielded, though.
Having a "though" at the very end sounds strange. Consider using "however" behind "threatening" instead.

Orcish Warrior:
and these warriors will typically be seen leading lesser bands of raiders. Despite their position, they rarely possess the commanding skills held by the leaders of other armies
Reading the first part leads one to think they'd have leadership. You clarify in the next sentence but it made me pause a bit when I first read it. This slight ambiguity could be easily resolved, however- switching the bolded words should do the trick.

That should be all. Keep up the good work :D

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » January 27th, 2016, 6:10 pm

Understandable points! I'll fix them up a little bit!

Chewan
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Chewan » February 2nd, 2016, 7:49 pm

A major step forward! The proposed texts contain the relevant facts - neatly and succinctly - and add nice flavors.
My comments on your work:
Peasants are the backbone of the rural economy, and the soldiers of last resort.
This part has always been disturbing to me. On the rare occasions when peasantry is involved in battles, the farmers are actually the first resort: cannon fodder – to help callow heroes gain experience, just as it says now: ...you’re clearly out of superior forces. Wesnoth's peasants are not more estimated than in reality: their life was hard in times of peace, they virtually fed the populace as a whole, most were serfs, men were pressed into military service to support their lord in war. I think that the sad truth is neglected, oh well...
Merman Warrior: The Mermen Warriors form the core of the mermen armies.
Those aquatic fighters form the core of the mermen armies… just to avoid repetition?
(the race attributes of most non-human units seem anyway redundant to me)
Giant Rat: Much larger than the common rats which often inhabit larger cities
Much bigger than the common rats which often inhabit larger settlements...
Personally, I like the current description too, perhaps you could include it:
Given an adequate supply of food, some rats can grow to truly impressive sizes.
Sea Serpent: Living in the deepest seas, Sea Serpents strike fear...
Living in the deepest waters, …
They seldom inhabit further than the shallow shore, but AFAIK are found in lochs, underground rivers and cave lakes too (I've even seen one in a swamp...).
Yetis are extremely resilient, and can kill any they encounter with their bare fists.
I'd say: no comma here.

Also, is there some 'house rule' to capitalize the names of the units within the text? Looks odd to me...

Thanks for your spadework, Gyra_Solune! :)

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nuorc
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by nuorc » February 2nd, 2016, 8:13 pm

Haven't read it all yet, but...
Yetis are extremely resilient, and can kill any they encounter with their bare fists.
Isn't there a word missing between 'any' and 'they'? Like enemy/adversary/smurf...
I have a cunning plan.

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » February 3rd, 2016, 8:14 am

nuorc wrote:Haven't read it all yet, but...
Yetis are extremely resilient, and can kill any they encounter with their bare fists.
Isn't there a word missing between 'any' and 'they'? Like enemy/adversary/smurf...
Any is meant as the noun here! I've heard it used such very often (especially in the prose of fantasy literature, I've been finishing up A Song of Ice and Fire lately and it may show in my writing style) and say it myself indeed! But hmm, if it is deemed awkward, I can redo it some.

As for the other comments! Mostly relevant points, yes. I kind of didn't want to say 'a giant rat is just a regular rat that's eaten a lot of food' because that's a little silly. Indeed you mostly see sea serpents in shallow water but what I was going for there was how they actually have much better defense in deep water - their appearances are likely skewed by how most of the time you're a primarily land and coastal force since most units can't even go on deep water (there sure are a lot of sea serpents that like to just pop up in Rise of Wesnoth!)

...Also no, the in-game texts seem to be very inconsistent on whether or not certain names are capitalized or not. Orcs are often capitalized but elves are not - actual unit names seem to be as well. I'm going to go ahead and try to set it as a rule that a race or species should not be capitalized, but a unit's proper title should be as that's something like a military rank. So one would say 'This Orcish Grunt is an orc of the orcish forces'. The first ought to take precedence though, largely for monsters - it strikes me as odd for the text to say 'people often fear the Giant Scorpions' when that's just what species they are. There might be exceptions here and there - for example calling them Dread Bats instead of dread bats looks a little more proper to me for some reason. Eh, if things get too awkward I'll just skirt around actually referring to the units by name.

Anyway, did another round of just smoothing stuff out, replacing words I realized I used too much. Will next move on to that Saurian re-doing, and will probably throw in general descriptions for things like the Gryphons, Wolves, and Falcons (actually, should these maybe all be lumped into an 'animals' group? or maybe just put in with the Monsters? the wolves are already under them in the image files after all). A few units I missed as well, like the Ancient Lich, Chocobone, Death Knight, and maybe Skeletal Dragon strike me as a little iffy too.

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zookeeper
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by zookeeper » February 3rd, 2016, 10:41 am

When you suggest changes to text, it really really helps if you also post the original, so that people can actually easily see what you did.

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nuorc
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by nuorc » February 3rd, 2016, 12:41 pm

Gyra_Solune wrote:if it is deemed awkward, I can redo it some.
If everybody else is fine with it, don't bother.
Spoiler:
I have a cunning plan.

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » February 3rd, 2016, 7:15 pm

zookeeper wrote:When you suggest changes to text, it really really helps if you also post the original, so that people can actually easily see what you did.
Oh! A fair point, I'll get right on doing that.

Yeah when put side by side it's clear what I was going for with a lot of the descriptions - making them less like they're video gamey and more like they're along the lines of what a historical almanac would say about the militaries of various armies - units like the Peasant and Orcish Grunt line especially struck me as such.

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » February 7th, 2016, 6:05 am

Alright so the big thing for today is the Saurians, Undead, and lesser race descriptions! Let's start in not that order at all!

Falcons
Spoiler:
Saurians
Spoiler:
Wolves
Spoiler:
Falcon
Spoiler:
Ancient Lich
Spoiler:
Chocobone
Spoiler:
Death Knight
Spoiler:
Saurian Skirmisher
Spoiler:
Saurian Ambusher
Spoiler:
Saurian Flanker
Spoiler:
As I said, I mostly redid the Saurians because they all said the same thing and a lot of it was stuff I wanted to put in the race desc. Sort of hoping some of the slight creative liberties I took aren't too audacious, like if someone is all 'actually no they do not use spears for hunting whatsoever' then whoops. ^^;
Last edited by Gyra_Solune on February 11th, 2016, 12:47 am, edited 2 times in total.

Chewan
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Chewan » February 7th, 2016, 9:07 pm

Falcons:
I assume that 'certain falconers' who train their birds for war are those of the Khalifate – Wesnoth's nobles might hunt with falcons, but do not use them in battle. That is, the description of the unit 'falcon' makes them a singularity of the Khalifate.
Personally, I think they should not be species-dependent, AFAIK there are rare cases where wild falcons attack the 'heroes' or turn spontaneously into allies. So, I propose a neutral, generally applicable text (like Elder Falcon):
Original:
Seen as status symbols of the nobles, falcons are precious possessions normally used for sport. The same techniques are employed to rend and tear the enemies of the Khalifate, and their great speed is a boon to scouting out the land.
Revised, something like:
Falcons are known for great courage and sharp eyes, they are literally as fast as the wind and masters of surprise attacks. Ever since they are used for hunting, as a status symbol of nobility they represent precious possessions. Falconers also train these raptors for war and release them to prey on opponents. Moreover, thanks to their speed and distance vision, they also prove to be ideal scouts.

Saurians:
Being finally bestowed with a race description will make them very proud... :D
The reciprocal vulnerability to each others weapons cannot be questioned, but has there ever been a battle between Saurians and Drakes that would proof the two races to be by no means very remote relatives? I thought that both belonged to the family of lizards...

Wolves:
A fitting characterization! I wonder if a little more from the earlier draft should be included – just to acknowledge the work that has already been done... Last version:
Spoiler:
In this context, I'd like to come back to the issue of several riding Goblins being moved to the race Wolves, and johndh's question if there is a way to include links to multiple races in the unit's help section so – as another example – a Gryphon Rider would have a link to Dwarves and a link to Gryphons.

Ancient Lich:
Before now, others found it already right and necessary to extend his poor description. In German, someone either took a slight creative liberty, or this background is 'documented' somewhere:
Behind closed doors it is whispered that there are lichs who already lived their undead existence before knowledge in necromancy had been acquired. Even in circles of necromancers one is not sure what to make of these rumors, the legend might – like many others – bear a grain of truth. One can only speculate about the true power of an ancient lich. Should they really exist since time immemorial, they are likely to have accumulated an uncanny amount of knowledge. Some believe they have achieved true immortality and are much more powerful than any living mage.

Thanks for the "audacity" ;) and diligence on the progress of this initiative!
Last edited by Chewan on February 8th, 2016, 7:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Gyra_Solune
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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Gyra_Solune » February 7th, 2016, 10:29 pm

Hmmm, the problem with that Ancient Lich bit is that, well, we don't really see many of them that are...that ancient. Mal-Ravanal has become a lich so recently that one of the main characters of the campaign knew him when he was a human. Jeyvan is well known to Jessene, though I know little of what exactly that implies, the Wesfolk's community with lich-lords being something of an anomaly that's not really further detailed. So I decided to focus less on the ancient part and more on the 'has probably been around for a long time and is noticeably more powerful and influential than other liches'.

And yeah, I was thinking on redoing the general Falcons as well but I didn't quite think to do that. As to the matter of the Saurians, I do try to keep a note to sort of justify their weaknesses and strengths, since that's the kind of thing that would be noted and valued in a bestiary, while sort of indirectly providing tips for the actual players - that bit is especially useful to someone actually playing as them, since the saurians might seem a little useless otherwise, when in fact in a mirror match you will absolutely need to consider how the two relate to one another in their strengths and weaknesses. If it's seen as a little off though, that section could be cut off.

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Re: Let's Rewrite Descriptions!

Post by Paulomat4 » February 8th, 2016, 5:20 pm

I really like all of those descriptions Gyra_Solune!
Great work, please keep it up.

It would be nice to hear from a developper if these are going to be commited because I really think it improves the flavour of the game. :)
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