Kanzil's poetry
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Re: Kanzil's poetry
Okay. Just wanted to let you know, glad you did.I didn't divide it clearly enough, but they were intended as different points. There are is an "a" and an "an" there I'm not sure about in there along with a lot of "it"s. I would have said both but "too many articles and pronouns" sounds odd because generally, "it" isn't thought of with the term 'pronoun'.
And I saw the campaign in his signature, but somehow I totally missed that he was working on it...
Sorta on a break from the forums ATM, have been for a while. If I was doing something for/with you and I haven't recently, that's why, I will be back soon hopefully.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
May I add that the campaign in my signature has completely changed from that in the aforementioned thread; I have radically changed the story, and made it mine, I have kept only a few things, such as some names and some basic plot lines.
The team making it has also changed- now it is essentially just me, with help from Adamant14,Vultraz and Dugi.
Also, where are these two "its" in a line?
The team making it has also changed- now it is essentially just me, with help from Adamant14,Vultraz and Dugi.
Also, where are these two "its" in a line?
High over valleys in the red levelling rays -
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
In its age of glory it shone as the sun
It was, within its leafy realm of river and of bark,
It was, within its leafy realm of river and of bark,
Re: Kanzil's poetry
I can't really change it without altering the verse itself. Also, refinement has a different meaning to resplendence (with an "e" by the way). Refinement is, the context, a synonym for culture.
High over valleys in the red levelling rays -
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
Yeah. Refinement for me though has a more modern feel and concept to it; it feels like something that would be said in a Victorian setting rather than a Medieval one. This is a subjective matter of taste though. Resplendent I liked not because they matched up perfectly but because it had parallels to the light and darkness metaphors present in the verse, while keeping a medieval feel and implied a sort of centre of culture and learning though not necessarily as strictly.
Yeah, moving around the its would require some changes to the verse, but I don't think any would be too drastic. Either moving stuff around slightly or else simply omitting articles and relying on punctuation [or timing in spoken form] would work. I don't think it'd be too hard but yeah, as I said, it's nitpicking. I think pronouns/articles cost a bit of the flow but honestly they didn't really do any major damage my understanding or enjoyment, so it might not be worth removing.
It might, though, be worth keeping in mind for other verses as a minor thing to avoid when possible.
Yeah, moving around the its would require some changes to the verse, but I don't think any would be too drastic. Either moving stuff around slightly or else simply omitting articles and relying on punctuation [or timing in spoken form] would work. I don't think it'd be too hard but yeah, as I said, it's nitpicking. I think pronouns/articles cost a bit of the flow but honestly they didn't really do any major damage my understanding or enjoyment, so it might not be worth removing.
It might, though, be worth keeping in mind for other verses as a minor thing to avoid when possible.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
Thanks for the comments! The last stanza will be posted later this evening- I've also found a better order for the verses. I'll post it this evening too.
High over valleys in the red levelling rays -
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
I thought I'd forgotten something...
Here's the last verse:
As dark host approaches,
And black horde encroaches
Methurdil's age is coming to a close
It is the end of an era, the dusk of an epoch.
(O Methurdil! O Methurdil!
Wreathed by river, hid by hill
O Methurdil! O Methurdil!
Thy fields run red with blood.)Not sure where to put this...
The silent shadows lie
For the endless night is nigh
And the wind does melancholy sigh...
Here's the last verse:
As dark host approaches,
And black horde encroaches
Methurdil's age is coming to a close
It is the end of an era, the dusk of an epoch.
(O Methurdil! O Methurdil!
Wreathed by river, hid by hill
O Methurdil! O Methurdil!
Thy fields run red with blood.)Not sure where to put this...
The silent shadows lie
For the endless night is nigh
And the wind does melancholy sigh...
Last edited by Kanzil on October 28th, 2012, 12:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
High over valleys in the red levelling rays -
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
In din of crowded streets, going among the years, the faces,
May I still meet my memory in so lonely a place
Between the streams and the red clouds, hearing the curlews, Hearing the horizons endure.
Re: Kanzil's poetry
Sounds pretty good to me. (again, I'm no expert on the subject)
Sorta on a break from the forums ATM, have been for a while. If I was doing something for/with you and I haven't recently, that's why, I will be back soon hopefully.