Corrections for "A New Order" campaign

[szopen]

Hi there,
Could someone check the English here?

"After two generations have passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, as Akladian leaders started to mimic the customs of Wesnothian nobility - even when they claimed to despise them - the clan leaders, 'the lords', tend to became hereditary. As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord. Bor Cryne came from a noble family, but his birth would enable him to become one of chieftains, at most. Yet he was such a skilled warrior and leader that he was able to became a leader of his clan, after he killed the previous lord in a traditional duel. He always despised the customs of Wesnothians and disliked those lords, who seem to enjoy courts more than battlefields."

[Kanzil]

"After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, the Akladian leaders -despite supposedly despising them- began to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility, including that of hereditary leadership.As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.
or
After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, Akladian leaders- despite claiming to despise the Wesnothians - started to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility. Thereafter, the clan leaders, the "lords", tended to become hereditary.As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.

Bor Cryne came from a noble family, though not one of the highest class, meaning he could, at most, expect to become a chieftain. Yet he was such a skilled warrior and leader that he was able to become a leader of his clan, killing the previous lord in a duel, as was traditional. He always despised the customs of Wesnothians and disliked those lords who enjoyed courts more than battlefields."

Also, you may want to find a different word for leader as it is used twice in a line.

[szopen]

Another few strings for corrections...

Akladian race description
"Barbarian and wild, Akladians are born fighters. More resistant than normal people, agile and fast, they are all warriors and raiders. They believe in one God, and they believe this God has chosen them to be rulers of the world. They consider everyone else vastly inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by false angel, until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests. They know no literature, no poetry, no magic. They believe only in their swords and consider all people, who use bows and other ranged weapons, simple cowards. They hate mages, they hate elves (calling them green devils). There are no old Akladian males -- all are killed during constant wars."

Lorin vs Yahyazad
{MSGW_Lorin _"For love?! You really believe that?! You can't be serious. You speak like... Wesnothian have a special word for that kind of people. A rhymeister?"}
{MSGW_Yahyazad _"I am serious. And I think you meant to say 'poet'. So you think I speak like a poet? Thank you."}
{MSGW_Lorin _"That wasn't a compliment. A 'poet' is just a fancy word for saying 'idiot'. You Khalifa fight for love? Ha! No wonder you have lost."}

Kyobaine
First conversation:
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you fought with me so many battles..."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"... Aaand?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you know, I thought that I should no longer treat you like a hired soldier... "}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"What?!? Are you trying to ask me out or something?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"... Eee?"}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"No offense, but.. It's not like I have something against males in general. It's more like I like them less hairy. And less... human. Anything more? No? Good. Let's get back to the business. And don't forget about my 20 gold pieces."}

Second conversation:
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"Oooh no. I refuse to fight in this condition and in these clothes."}
{MSGW_Gawen _"What do you mean? Your clothes are just fine."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"*For the spring*. The least you can do is to give me proper shoes. You expect me to walk in this snow *barefoot*??"}
{MSGW_Gawen _"That's ridiculous."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I couldn't agree more. Call me when you will have new shoes."}

[Kanzil]

"Barbarian and wild, Akladians are born fighters. More resistant than normal people, agile and fast, they are all warriors and raiders. They believe in one God, and they believe this God has chosen them to be rulers of the world. They consider everyone else vastly inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by false angel, until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests. They know no literature, no poetry, no magic. They believe only in their swords and consider all people, who use bows and other ranged weapons, simple cowards. They hate mages, they hate elves (calling them green devils). There are no old Akladian males -- all are killed during constant wars."

to

"The Akladians are wild barbarians; hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people they are a civilisation based entirely on war. They worship one god, who is, to them, the only one, whom they believe has given them the world, with which they may do whatever they want; they are his chosen race -all others peoples are inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by a false angel, until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests.They believe only in the sword, for to them it is the purest weapon,the bravest to wield, and the most difficult to master, something which all Akladians must achieve at an early age. All people who use bows and other ranged weapons are regarded as cowards. They despise mages and loath elves, whom they call "Green Devils". There are few old Akladian males, as most are killed in the constant wars the akladian nobles and throne wage(for the Akladians are not a naturally united nation, and many owe allegiance to the nobility over the state, and thus the nobility has a large amount of power), both between themselves and other states and those few old men that there are are outcasts, regarded as cowards and shunned."

{MSGW_Lorin _"You fight for love?! You really believe that?! You can't be serious. You speak like a...Wesnothians have a special word for that kind of people. A rhymeister?"}
{MSGW_Yahyazad _"I am serious. And I think you meant to say 'poet'. So you think I speak like a poet? Thank you."}
{MSGW_Lorin _"That wasn't a compliment. "Poet" is just a fancy way of saying "idiot". You Khalifa fight for love? Ha! No wonder you have lost."}

Kyobaine
First conversation:
{MSGm_Gawen _"You have fought by my side through so divers battles...so..."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"... Meaning?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you know, I thought that I should no longer treat you like a mercenary... "}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"You sound as if you are...approaching me."}
{MSGm_Gawen _"... Ehh?"}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I have nothing against males in general, It's more that I like them less hairy. And less... human. Anything more? No? Good. Let us return to what lies at hand. And don't forget about my 20 gold pieces."}

Second conversation:
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I refuse to fight in these conditions, and clad as such."}
{MSGW_Gawen _"What do you mean? Your clothes are perfectly fine."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"*For the spring*. The least you can do is to give me proper shoes. You expect me to walk in this snow *barefoot*??"}
{MSGW_Gawen _"That is ridiculous-this pass is numbingly cold in the winter."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I couldn't agree more. Inform me when you have some new shoes for me. Then I may consider fighting on."}

I have changed it extensively, to give it more flavor-tell me if you don't like it. Sorry I took so long(I was away) .

[Celtic_Minstrel]

"After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, the Akladian leaders -despite supposedly despising them- began to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility, including that of hereditary leadership.As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.
or
After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, Akladian leaders- despite claiming to despise the Wesnothians - started to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility. Thereafter, the clan leaders, the "lords", tended to become hereditary.As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.

Note that every occurrence of hyphens (-) in this should either replaced with a dash (—) or doubled. Whether it's separated by space (leaders — despite) or not (leaders—despite) varies, but don't put space on one side but not on the other. Personally I prefer including the spaces.

Also you're missing a space after the sentence ending in "hereditary" and have double spaces between some sentences. Double spaces between sentences are acceptable, but be consistent; don't put two spaces after some sentences but only one after others.

Finally, North American convention is to never place a comma after a quote ("lords," instead of "lords",); this may be reversed in the UK, not sure. As long as you pick one and are consistent, I for one would not complain.

As an example, here's the first version with these fixes applied:

After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, the Akladian leaders — despite supposedly despising them — began to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility, including that of hereditary leadership. As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.

(In that version I'd also replace "After" with "When"; it sounds better to me.)

And here's the second version with the fixes applied:

After two generations had passed since the conquest of Wesnoth, Akladian leaders—despite claiming to despise the Wesnothians—started to mimic the customs of the Wesnothian nobility. Thereafter, the clan leaders, the "lords", tended to become hereditary. As such it became extremely rare for a lord not to be a son of previous lord.

(In this one "After" fits fine. I chose dashes without spaces merely for demonstration purposes.)

Akladian race description
"Barbarian and wild, Akladians are born fighters. More resistant than normal people, agile and fast, they are all warriors and raiders. They believe in one God, and they believe this God has chosen them to be rulers of the world. They consider everyone else vastly inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by false angel, until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests. They know no literature, no poetry, no magic. They believe only in their swords and consider all people, who use bows and other ranged weapons, simple cowards. They hate mages, they hate elves (calling them green devils). There are no old Akladian males -- all are killed during constant wars."

No offense intended to Kanzil, but I don't recommend using his "correction" for this. What you have here is, as far as I can see perfectly grammatically sound other than the "hate mages and elves" sentence (which is overlookable since in prose it's normal to sometimes bend or even break grammar rules). It may be slightly awkard in places, but overall I think it's quite solid. Kanzil's suggestion however is rife with grammatical errors and has some ambiguities that are less present in your version (in particular, his implies that mages are called "green devils"). That doesn't mean you can't take anything from him; he expanded it quite a bit in ways that are possibly good. If you wanted to replace the mages/elves sentence, I could recommend something like "They hate mages, and they hate elves whom they call green devils", or maybe reverse it like "They hate elves, whom they call green devils, and also mages".

Lorin vs Yahyazad
{MSGW_Lorin _"For love?! You really believe that?! You can't be serious. You speak like... Wesnothian have a special word for that kind of people. A rhymeister?"}
{MSGW_Yahyazad _"I am serious. And I think you meant to say 'poet'. So you think I speak like a poet? Thank you."}
{MSGW_Lorin _"That wasn't a compliment. A 'poet' is just a fancy word for saying 'idiot'. You Khalifa fight for love? Ha! No wonder you have lost."}

Personally I think this chunk is quite solid. The one thing I might change is expanding "wasn't" into "was not", not just because it implies increased formality but because it gives slightly more emphasis to the negative. The suggestion Kanzil proposed ("You fight for love?!" in place of "For love?!") should probably be a case of whichever you prefer; both are fine here in my opinion.

Oh, also: 'Poet' is just a fancy word for 'idiot'.
(Basically you have more words than needed. You can keep them if you want, but I feel cutting them out would be a little better.)

Kyobaine
First conversation:
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you fought with me so many battles..."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"... Aaand?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you know, I thought that I should no longer treat you like a hired soldier... "}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"What?!? Are you trying to ask me out or something?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"... Eee?"}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"No offense, but.. It's not like I have something against males in general. It's more like I like them less hairy. And less... human. Anything more? No? Good. Let's get back to the business. And don't forget about my 20 gold pieces."}

{MSGm_Gawen _"You have fought by my side through so many battles...so..."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"... Meaning?"}
{MSGm_Gawen _"Well, you know, I thought that I should no longer treat you like a mercenary... "}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"You sound as if you're...approaching me."}
{MSGm_Gawen _"... Ehh?"}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I have nothing against males in general, It's more that I like them less hairy. And less... human. Anything more? No? Good. Let's get back to the business. And don't forget about my 20 gold pieces."}

No real grammatical problems here; both your original and Kanzil's revision are good enough that I can't select one as categorically better. I will touch on one little detail: ellipses.

There are two main ways to format your ellipses. One is to place a space around each individual dot: "You sound as if you're . . . approaching me." The other, which is what I do, is to select which side the ellipse belongs to, and put just one space on the opposite side. Examples from the text: "...Aaand?" "like a hired soldier..." "No offense, but..." "...Meaning?"

I seem to recall a third way, but not sure.

With the second way, the general rule would be to put a space after the ellipse only if there's something else before it; however, with this system, I think you can make a subtle distinction between (for example) "And less... human" and "And less ...human". Describing this distinction is a little beyond me at the moment; maybe I can think of something later. Something like the second form putting a bit more weight on "human" while the first puts a little more weight on "less". If in doubt I'd choose the first form.

Second conversation:
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"Oooh no. I refuse to fight in this condition and in these clothes."}
{MSGW_Gawen _"What do you mean? Your clothes are just fine."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"*For the spring*. The least you can do is to give me proper shoes. You expect me to walk in this snow *barefoot*??"}
{MSGW_Gawen _"That's ridiculous."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I couldn't agree more. Call me when you will have new shoes."}

Second conversation:
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I refuse to fight in these conditions, and clad as such."}
{MSGW_Gawen _"What do you mean? Your clothes are perfectly fine."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"*For the spring*. The least you can do is to give me proper shoes. You expect me to walk in this snow *barefoot*??"}
{MSGW_Gawen _"That's ridiculous-this pass is numbingly cold in the winter."}
{MESSAGE (Kyobaine) (portraits/kyobaine.png) () _"I couldn't agree more. Inform me when you have some new shoes for me. Then I may consider fighting on."}

Your original dialogue is mostly solid, apart from one error, and so is Kanzil's suggestion (except for a couple minor things).

In the last line in your original, the minimal change to make it acceptable would be to remove "will": "Call me when you have new shoes".
For the first line, I think Kanzil's suggestion (with the "clad as such") is a good one that fits nicely with the fantasy nature of the world, but I don't think it's necessary to remove the "Oooh no". I'd add a comma in the middle though ("Oooh, no").
I'd recommand expanding "couldn't" to "could not", for emphasis.
Kanzil's expansion of the second line suffers from incorrect hyphens. Take your pick of these: "ridiculous--this", "ridiculous -- this", "ridiculous — this", "ridiculous—this", whichever is consistent with other dialog/text using dashes in your campaign.
You're using *'s to imply emphasis. Instead, wrap these portions in HTML tags: <i>For the spring</i>. Assuming these macros expand to [message] tags, this should work exactly as you expect. (If you prefer bold instead of italics, which I don't recommend, use <b></b>; I think <u></u> is also supported for underline. Technically this is called "pango markup", not HTML; it just happens to resemble the latter in some ways.)

Oh also, generally you don't double question marks. Instead of "??" after "barefoot" I'd recommend "?!" or "!?".

I may have made some mistakes in this post; it's so long that I haven't proofread it in detail. Just saying.

[Kanzil]

No offense intended to Kanzil, but I don't recommend using his "correction" for this.

Szopen's version is stylistically typical of a foreigner who speaks near-fluent English(no offense intended as it is very good, it just doesn't fit the time). It is almost completely grammatically correct, but is blunt and disjointed. I am a fluent speaker of English and an experienced writer: I am certainly better qualified, whilst I also believe my piece is also the better of the two. Szopen's lacks the formality and rounded rhythms of high-fantasy writers, which I have attempted to achieve as per esr's words:

Second rule: Fantasy characters don't use modern slang or speech rhythm. You should write in careful, formal English. If it's possible for you, imitate the longer sentences and more rounded, relaxed rhythms of late 19th- and early 20th-century English as written by an Oxford don (this was Tolkien's dialect).

Third rule: Use archaic and poetic forms — carefully. For example, “I fear that…” is better than “I'm afraid that…” I have Ratheln saying “Hail” rather than “Hello” for a reason; it creates a sense of some strangeness appropriate for a fantasy milieu.

I strive to write as such-therefore clad and divers do appear, as suits a high-fantasy setting. My tone is more formal, as befits great nobles, which Hagarthen and Lorin are. In Wesnoth I doubt the word date is used to express anything but the time.

I will use dashes, if you can point out where they are(which they aren't as the keys broken ) on my keyboard. The double spaces are the consequence of me turning out that description in less than ten minutes(perhaps six or seven?).

The "when" is relatively minor but I'll add it anyway. Sorry If my reply seems a little blunt, but I do think my text is generally better, apart from the dialogue, where it is debatable: here it all depends on the style and whether it fits in with the rest of the text

[Celtic_Minstrel]

No offense intended to Kanzil, but I don't recommend using his "correction" for this.

Szopen's version is stylistically typical of a foreigner who speaks near-fluent English(no offense intended as it is very good, it just doesn't fit the time). It is almost completely grammatically correct, but is blunt and disjointed. I am a fluent speaker of English and an experienced writer: I am certainly better qualified, whilst I also believe my piece is also the better of the two. Szopen's lacks the formality and rounded rhythms of high-fantasy writers, which I have attempted to achieve as per ESR's words:

What you say here about szopen's version is true, but your expansion is still full of errors. If those errors are fixed, then yours would be better. (I can point out the errors if you want.)

I will use dashes, if you can point out where they are(which they aren't as the keys broken ) on my keyboard. The double spaces are the consequence of me turning out that description in less than ten minutes(perhaps six or seven?).

On Mac they're usually option-shift-hyphen; on other platforms it's probably harder to obtain them, so I'd say it suffices to use double hyphens if you can't figure out how to do a dash.

Sorry If my reply seems a little blunt, but I do think my text is generally better,

Stylistically perhaps it is better; grammatically it's worse. Don't sacrifice one for the other!

[Kanzil]

Point out the errors if you can find them...there aren't many

and

less than ten minutes(perhaps six or seven?)

[Celtic_Minstrel]

"The Akladians are wild barbarians; hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people they are a civilisation based entirely on war. They worship one god, who is, to them, the only one, whom they believe has given them the world, with which they may do whatever they want; they are his chosen race -all others peoples are inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by a false angel, until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests.They believe only in the sword, for to them it is the purest weapon,the bravest to wield, and the most difficult to master, something which all Akladians must achieve at an early age. All people who use bows and other ranged weapons are regarded as cowards. They despise mages and loath elves, whom they call "Green Devils". There are few old Akladian males, as most are killed in the constant wars the akladian nobles and throne wage(for the Akladians are not a naturally united nation, and many owe allegiance to the nobility over the state, and thus the nobility has a large amount of power), both between themselves and other states and those few old men that there are are outcasts, regarded as cowards and shunned."

I'll comment and then post a corrected version.

First sentence is a little awkward, though not too bad; I think it'd be better for it to be two sentences. The second sentence lacks a comma to separate the main clause from the list of adjectives. Third sentence is very awkward and has too many commas, but as written all the commas are actually required; it's best fixed by reordering it to need less commas. It's also a run-on sentence, I think. The sentence about myths is fine, although the comma after "angel" feels a bit out of place. Next sentence I think would be made better with a dash in place of the last comma, although it's not too bad as it is. Sentence about cowards is fine. I already mentioned the problem with the green devils sentence. And the final sentence is kinda long; I think it's another run-on sentence. I also don't like the parenthetical in there; it's kinda long and gets in the way.

The Akladians are wild barbarians. Hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people, they are a civilisation based entirely on war. They worship one god, who to them is the only one; they believe he has given them the world, with which they may do whatever they want. They believe they are his chosen race — all other peoples are inferior. In their myths, they were imprisoned by a false angel until the first Hagarthen incited a rebellion and led an escape through the deserts, swamps, and forests. They believe only in the sword, for to them it is the purest weapon, the bravest to wield, and the most difficult to master — something which all Akladians must achieve at an early age. All people who use bows and other ranged weapons are regarded as cowards. They loath elves, whom they call "Green Devils", and despise mages. There are few old Akladian males, since most are killed in the constant wars waged by the akladian nobles and throne, both between themselves and other states (for the Akladians are not a naturally united nation, and many owe allegiance to the nobility over the state, granting the nobility has a large amount of power). Those few old men that manage to survive are outcasts, regarded as cowards and shunned.

This still has some problems, though. For example, the first three sentences are saying more or less the same thing in three different ways. Also, I didn't change this because "peoples" may actually be a legitimate word in some contexts, and I'm not sure whether this might be one of them; however, normally you'd say "people" instead. You could also replace it with something like "races". Also, the bit about old men at the end was confusing so I changed that as well.

[Kanzil]

This still has some problems, though. For example, the first three sentences are saying more or less the same thing in three different ways.

That's the point of flavour text . And I mean peoples as in races.

Your revised version is fine-the reason I wrote "wild barbarians" is because that was what Szopen wrote, and I didn't want to change it to much. It's better than "barbarian and wild"." Savage and uncivilized" might fit better, perhaps "Savage and wild" or any other combination thereof.

[Celtic_Minstrel]

That's the point of flavour text .

I disagree. Some amount of redundancy is perhaps okay, but saying the same thing in three different ways still seems like too much to me.

[Kanzil]

It doesn't say precisely the same thing-it says they are agile and quick and from the east. Then it says they are war-like and worship one god, whose chosen people they are.

[Celtic_Minstrel]

Being from the east is not part of the redundancies; it just happens to be in the midst of them. The part about one god is after the redundancies and, as you say, not redundant at all.

The Akladians are wild barbarians. Hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people, they are a civilisation based entirely on war.

(emphasis mine)

All of those bolded portions have similarities in their meaning. They're not wholly redundant, but I think it would be an improvement to cut out at least one of them. Some examples:

The Akladians are wild barbarians hailing from the harsh east. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people, they are a civilisation based entirely on war.

The Akladians are born fighters hailing from the harsh east. Stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people, they are a civilisation based entirely on war.

The Akladians are wild barbarians. Hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters, and their civilisation is based entirely on war.

The Akladians are wild barbarians. Hailing from the harsh east, they are born fighters; they are stronger, more agile and quicker than normal people.

(Note: I don't recommend the last one, since the civilization being based on war is probably one of the least redundant portions of this; it's here merely for demonstration purposes.)

[Kanzil]

I wouldn't say anything needs to be cut, the flow and rhythm needs to be preserved, and merely removing the text without re-writing it destroys the rhythm. The fact they are wild and are barbarians means they are uncivilized, the fact they are born fighters is as a result of abnormal speed and agility, whilst the fact they are based on war is as a result of their origin, physical traits and divided state, united by war. The born fighters bit could go, possibly, but it flows better with all the phrases intact.

[Celtic_Minstrel]

the flow and rhythm needs to be preserved,

Oh, does it? Why's that?

The fact they are wild and are barbarians means they are uncivilized,

If they're uncivilized, how are they a war-based civilization?

The born fighters bit could go, possibly, but it flows better with all the phrases intact.

I guess we disagree on this.