Desormer[fan-fic]

[UndeadRussian]

I might get them posted in the next hour, if ideas keep pumping out of my head like this. i am only 15 but i plan to be a writer when i get older.

[The_Other]

i am only 15 but i plan to be a writer when i get older.

Um, you might want to have another plan too. It's really hard to get noticed to begin with, you will spend years sending stories to magazines that barely anyone reads, and I promise you that what you think is your best work will be the stuff that gets turned down for reasons you can't understand. Even when somebody does publish your work, there's no guarantee that they'll want your next piece. Basically it's like knocking on people's front doors and hoping they will pay you to mow their lawn - getting published is almost pure luck at first (until people in the business start to recognize your name)
Publishers will turn you down, both for good and bad reasons - and they won't always be nice about it. Editors will turn your work into something you no longer recognize as your own - or they will make you turn it into something you don't want your name on. If you can get the money, you can self-publish - but then you'll struggle to get shops to sell your books or readers to even know they exist. And even when you start to be successful, there's still no guarantee that any particular story will sell. It's a lot like being in a band - if it works out you can potentially make a lot of money for doing something you love, but you will have to work your ass off (or be amazingly lucky) before you get to that point.

I'm not saying, "Don't be a writer" - like I said, it's the best job I can imagine, and when it goes well it makes up for all the crap you have to go through to get there. But it's not a good option as your main career choice. My advice would be, write as much as you can and do whatever you can to get published - but do it while you also have a 'real' job with a guaranteed paycheck, because writing is not an easy way to pay the bills. I get by because I write in a lot of different genres, including non-fiction, and I write A LOT - so I can usually find something that somebody will buy. But even then, there are months when I don't sell a single thing and I have to live out of my savings. I guess what I'm saying is, make sure you have savings, or else that you have a steady job (even if it doesn't pay well), so you don't end up going hungry when you have a bad month or two.

[enchilado]

I want to know what happens next (which is definitely a good sign!)

Hrm—without wishing to seem rude, if you're going to offer to correct people's grammar you might want to make certain that your own is not itself erroneous. You're missing some punctuation after the parentheses there. Since adding some would then result in a sentence ending horribly awkwardly in a clash of different symbols it would be better, in my opinion, were the exclamation mark entirely done away with (they generally look pretty terrible except in dialogue anyway!).

[UndeadRussian]

Other i understand, Thank you for the realism, i will how ever always write even if it doesn't make me money, ill do it for a hobby.Ohh and other i will say u have been the only one so far that has really given me any critique our help, thank you.

[UndeadRussian]

Okay for anyone that is actually reading here is chapters 1 & 2 (revised). Tell me what u think.


Prologue, Death.......
What is death? Is it simply an extension of life? Is it the end of life? Or is it the beginning of a new life? These are questions every necromancer in history has asked. A question most people don't ask, for it is a forbidden knowledge, the knowledge of a outlaw. These are the questions that have pushed me. The desire for knowledge that has evaded my hands since my mothers death...


Chapter One

One more Mile, thats all I needed. I had been chasing the Scholar for several weeks with and now all that stopped me was 1 mile. One mile, in a foot of snow with nothing to cover my freezing body but my Mages cloak.
I gripped my Mothers sword, bite my blue lips and pushed forward. I thought about using a fire spell to warm myself but that might give me away. No one was allowed in the city without permission, and permission was only granted to the rich and to those of high (status neither I belonged to). The City's name was Aventoh and a grand city! It was massive, with walls and high towers where the white mages met.This was the city of plans. There were many colleges with many libraries and many books. It was in one of the books that I hoped to acquire the information I needed.
*whoosh!* -An arrow flies by my head interrupting my thoughts.
Now, a good archer without frozen hands would of just killed me but, today is my lucky day. This archer was sloppy. I cast a fireball spell, immediately sending it towards the stone tower in which the archer stood. Ducking he jumps just as the fireball blows at the top of the tower causing stones to fall. at the As I looked around I spotted a spearman rushing out.
“Die Mage!” he screams.
There was no time to consider the irony of this statement however, as he was thrusting a spear towards my heart. I stepped back and cast another fireball and send it flying, but this time I don't miss. It sends the man flying backwards, engulfing him in flames and burning him into a crisp of his former self. *whoosh!*- another arrow flies by.
This man was defiantly no elf, but he wasn't to be underestimated. I quickly casted another fireball, but this time I wasn't going to miss. I knew that anymore commotion and the whole guard would be on me. Seconds later he to was engulfed in fire and a moment later was ashes. Walking away, the burnt flesh clogging my nose gives me a feeling, deep in my heart, that this would not be the last time someone would died on my journey.
I reach the gate of the city by dawn, the cold air stings my body. Looking above me I pondered to my self how in the hell would I be able to climb suck a steep structure without any gear at all, but in the corner I spotted a vine hanging down leading right to the top of the wall. Without asking I climb up half-excepting to be surrounded by guards, only to find a little boy “ I saw in the distance u fighting the bad men” quietly whispered the boy . I had no time worry about this boy,I climbed down into the Avenoth, into the bustling confusion that was my future.I Quickly mix with the crowds, the guards will never be able to tell I am not a citizen and The relief I feel is immense. The guards here are notorious for their treatment of unwanted guests. Growing up I heard plenty of stories about what they do to the “guests” under to Keep.
It is late in the day and the town square is bustling with people. I began asking around about other visitors and find out that the scholar is staying in the Hightower Spire. This takes bribing the merchants with more gold than I would have liked, but information is rarely given for free.
Hightower Spire is the epicenter of the magic world. Only the arch mages may enter and there chosen guests. I decide that my best bet in getting in the tower would be( how ever I bad idea it was) to kill one of the several ice mages in town and take there robes for there traditional outfits wore a mask. It wasn't hard to find one of the mages, I followed him down a alley, looking around I notice the dark, dampness and quietness of the area not entirely sure why he would take such a road? Then it hit me, literally a bolt of ice struck me hard in the chest freezing my insides, I wanted to run, run and hid but I hadn't come all this way to run now, I raise my hands up high and chant the ancient words of dark magic and prepare for a fight.......

Chapter 2

This ice mage was far better then me at standard arcane magic, no doubt about it, but I had one card up my sleeve. I rush the mage carrying my mother's sword he casts another ice bolt at me this time I quickly dodge, but I lose my footing on the slippery mossy stone beneath me, I struggle to get up before the mage can cast again. *bam*- another ice bolt hits me perfectly in the chest sending me backwards. I again get up this time determined to finish this, I cast a fire ball and send it flying he dodges easily but before he could cast I am in arms length and I swing my sword as fast as any military man gashing him in the stomach blood starts to run, but this doesn't stop the man, he sends a barrage of icicles towards me, as a response I cast a shadow wave at him destroying his barrage I don't let up the pressure and cast another shadow wave. The shadow wave lands perfectly and I am some what shocked of my own power it seems to have ripped the mans arm clean off leaving nothing but a bloody stub.
“So now even in Aventoh the lich sends his agents!!” screams the ice mage. “i work for no man especially one who was once dead” I state, “don't lie to me boy I saw your dark magic casted and I see the hatred in your eyes, the tell tell signs of a agent of dark” says the ice mage. “i work for my self and the dark magic u see has it reasons and by the look of it it seems to work perfectly” I notice the man is still bleeding profoundly but he takes no notice towards it except the occasional glimpse of pain in his eyes. “What lich do u speak off? A necromancer of reasonable power hasn't existed for at lest 200 years, and by the look in your eye he must be strong”, but before he could answer the man dies with a relived look on his face “damn” I whisper.
Thinking about the possible powers a lich could control were great but I knew nothing about this lich and needed to focus on my current quest. I take the ice mages clothes and go to a tailors I am missing a right sleeve but with the gold in the mage's pouch I have it fixed, along with the gash in the chest. Thankfully none of the tailors asked my why there was blood splattered across it, I don't think any of them wanted to know the grisly truth behind these little red stains. As the sky darkens and the people retreat to there houses, I climb down into the sewers and follow the map I bought from a shady figure, “there I am here right below the Spire, let the fun begin.”

[The_Other]

@Enchilado

Would you believe me if I called it 'artistic license'? I must say, though, I've always used that form and you're the first person who's ever picked me up on on (man, am I glad you're not my editor!)

@UndeadRussian
Second chapter has big problems with (lack of) punctuation. You're still mixing past and present tense, too, and there is some weird sentence-structure in places. Also, you've used capital letters on words that shouldn't have them. And the first chapter doesn't seem to have been fixed from before.
Again, I like the fast-paced action and rapid plot development - you obviously have a gift for storytelling, but you need to pay a lot more attention to your use of language. I know it's difficult to write, especially fiction, in a language other than your own - the best thing I can suggest is to read other people's fiction, written in a roughly similar style to yours, and see how they use punctuation.
Also, if you have a word-processor that has an English-language spelling and grammar checker, use it! It may still leave some mistakes, but it will help a lot with your strange grammar and punctuation.

[UndeadRussian]

okay thank you, I should have a friend coming over today to help me with grammer, etc. I have already writen chapters 3 and 4 but ill wait to post them till the grammer is checked.

[Substance_Thief]

His English is better than my Russian. Besides the mage with a sword reminds me of the descent into darkness campaign, which is one of my favorites.

[UndeadRussian]

Okay i have Chapters 1-5 all grammer checked and ready to go ill post them tonight!

[Creativity]

Okay i have Chapters 1-5 all grammer checked and ready to go ill post them tonight!

*grammar