Desormer[fan-fic]

[UndeadRussian]

Tell me what u think give me some critique lol this is only like the first half of the first chapter i just want to know if anybody would even be interested lol......so here it is lol.
Prologue, Death.......
What is death? Is it simply an extension of life? Is it the end of life? Or is it the beginning of a new life? These are questions every necromancer in history has asked. A question most people don't ask, for it is a forbidden knowledge, the knowledge of a outlaw. These are the questions that have pushed me. The desire for knowledge that has evaded my hands since my mothers death...


Chapter One

One more Mile, thats all I needed. I had been chasing the Scholar for several weeks with and now all that stopped me was 1 mile. One mile, in a foot of snow with nothing to cover my freezing body but my Mages cloak.
I gripped my Mothers sword, bite my blue lips and pushed forward. I thought about using a fire spell to warm myself but that might give me away. No one was allowed in the city without permission, and permission was only granted to the rich and to those of high (status neither I belonged to). The City's name was Aventoh and a grand city! It was massive, with walls and high towers where the white mages met.This was the city of plans. There were many colleges with many libraries and many books. It was in one of the books that I hoped to acquire the information I needed.
*whoosh!* -An arrow flies by my head interrupting my thoughts.
Now, a good archer without frozen hands would of just killed me but, today is my lucky day. This archer was sloppy. I cast a fireball spell, immediately sending it towards the stone tower in which the archer stood. Ducking he jumps just as the fireball blows at the top of the tower causing stones to fall. at theAs I looked around I spotted a spearman rushing out.
“Die Mage!” he screams.
There was no time to consider the irony of this statement however, as he was thrusting a spear towards my heart. I stepped back and cast another fireball and send it flying, but this time I don't miss. It sends the man flying backwards, engulfing him in flames and burning him into a crisp of his former self. *whoosh!*- another arrow flies by.
This man was defiantly no elf, but he wasn't to be underestimated. I quickly casted another fireball, but this time I wasn't going to miss. I knew that anymore commotion and the whole guard would be on me. Seconds later he to was engulfed in fire and a moment later was ashes. Walking away, the burnt flesh clogging my nose gives me a feeling, deep in my heart, that this would not be the last time someone would died on my journey.
I quickly entered the city of Aventoh undetected. The relief I feel is immense. The guards here are notorious for their treatment of unwanted guests. Growing up I heard plenty of stories about what they do to the “guests” under to Keep.
It is late in the day and the town square is bustling with people. I began asking around about other visitors and find out that the scholar is staying in the Hightower Spire. This takes bribing the merchants with more gold than I would have liked, but information is rarely given for free.
Hightower Spire is the epicenter of the magic world. Only the arch mages may enter and there chosen guests. I decide that my best bet in getting in the tower would be( how ever I bad idea it was) to kill one of the several ice mages in town and take there robes for there traditional outfits wore a mask.

[Crendgrim]

I've seen you using a lot of textspeak (excessive use of "u" / "lol" / ...) without proper punctuation in your posts. Please try to stop this; from the text extract I just read I know that you can do other than that. Of course, if English isn't your first language, it can be hard to write properly; but things like u/you should be easy to differentiate. Writing clearly (as stated in the Posting Guidelines, section 1a) will allow other people (whose first language might not be English either) to understand your posts better.
Then, please do not post anything violating any copyright law on Wesnoth's forums. In this case, it's the name "Azeroth" which certainly is protected by Blizzard Entertainment.

[UndeadRussian]

well like i said this is only a draft. Ill change the name of the city and no english isn't my first, sorry about the text speak and the grammatical errors but do u have anything good to say about it? our should i just kinda give up now.

[Dugi]

..sorry about the text speak ... do u have..

But anyway, I think the story was kinda a bit too fast. Try to add a few details about things, some more descriptions of the landscape around, lengthen the fight etc.

I think that writing a campaign is usually better than writing fan-fiction. There is enough people to help you with the beginning.
And also, your english is not the best (not telling mine is much better, nut still...), so making things happen is usually easier than telling about them.

[UndeadRussian]

Thank u iam rewriting as we speak i do want to lengthen the story more. So do you think i should critique our should i move on to something else?

[Dugi]

Can you please write properly?

I personally think that no matter what story it is, hammering it into a campaign is not a bad idea. But writing the story here before is not a bad idea on any case, maybe writing it in a drama style would be more convenient if it is to be converted into a campaign.

[UndeadRussian]

I am sorry, English is my 3rd langue.I will try to write more proper and not hurry my replies our messages. Thank you for the critique

[Dugi]

I was not bashing your grammar errors, I was bashing you for writing things like iam or u instead of I am or you. Crendgrim told you about the posting guidelines, so obey them.

Hm, but your story was starting quite well.

[The_Other]

Oh dear, help is needed! Don't take that the wrong way, but there are quite a few problems here (though nothing that can't be fixed). I don't mean to sound rude when I say that, but be aware that I am both a professional writer of fiction and a native English speaker - so when it comes to writing critique, I know what I'm talking about!

First, you might find it easier to write in your native language, then use Google Translate, BabelFish or something similar to translate it to English one sentence or paragraph at a time. It still will not be perfect, but it will both fix your English grammar and eliminate textspeak, which makes it much more readable and hence easier to form an opinion about. The drawback is that translation software is not good with words or phrases that have double meanings (in either language), so in some cases it can actually create problems that didn't exist before. It might still be worth a try, though.

Negative feedback
Straight away, in the first draft I see problems with capital letters where they should not be, and with confusion of verb tenses (for instance, "...but this time I don't miss" should be "..but this time I didn't miss"). I think I also saw "would of" used instead of "would have". I also think you need to add some more detail at several points - you jump rather quickly from 'outside the city getting shot at' to 'inside the city planning a break-in', I had a sense that more should have happened between these two points.

Positive feedback
I like that you jump straight into the action, and also that the combat is well-described, fast-paced and easy to picture without overdoing it. Your English is very strange, one moment you are clearly struggling to express what you mean, but then you come up with wonderfully clear and expressive phrasing ("...the burnt flesh clogging my nose gives me a feeling, deep in my heart..." comes). I would imagine you are extremely articulate and a good storyteller in your own language?

Do not give up on this - you have potential to be a good writer, it's just a case of learning correct English grammar (hard, I know - English is widely claimed to be the hardest language in the world to learn properly) and remembering to fill in all the details (it's easy to miss important things, because obviously you know more about what is happening than the reader does - I've been guilty of this myself more than once)

[Dugi]

First, you might find it easier to write in your native language, then use Google Translate, BabelFish or something similar to translate it to English one sentence or paragraph at a time.

Please don't do this. Translations made by google translator are much worse than what you wrote. Just try it for yourself, write a more complex sentence into it and see what is says.

I would also show you an example if I spoke Russian good enough to write a sentence complex enough to make it fail and I don't know what is your second language (supposing Russian is your first).

[The_Other]

I've used this method before when explaining quite detailed technical information to a French-speaker, he didn't realize that I had used a translator and in fact complimented me on speaking excellent French!
I guess it depends on what you are trying to translate...if it doesn't work well, don't use it.

[UndeadRussian]

Thank u all for the feed back. Russian is my first langue and polish is my second.I plan to rewrite the whole thing and develop the story a little better, and yes english is very hard to learn but i am learning fast. i have a friend who is going to edit and correct my work after iam done with it so that problem should be fixed. Thank you all

[Dugi]

@The_Other It works well, if the sentences are short enough. I suppose that the thing that amazed him was the vocabulary, and don't forget that strangers tend to compliment anybody for speaking their language. Also technical information is easier to translate than story, because of the verbal tenses, that tend to be different in every single language.

Here is what it did to the last sentence in my reply, if I wrote it in French and made it translate it. And French is easier to translate to English than Russian, I know it for sure.

Also, the technical information is easier to translate that one tale, the time that his verbal usually different in each language are the cause.

[UndeadRussian]

Okay iam rewriting chapter one and writing chapter 2. I plan to post them both tomorrow.

[The_Other]

@Dugi - okay, I see your point!

@UndeadRussian - yeah, get them written and posted - I want to know what happens next (which is definitely a good sign!)
I'm very happy to help you with grammar and vocabulary if you want, I love writing and everything related to it* (best job in the world, I get paid for imagining stuff!). I'm willing to edit your writing and correct mistakes if you want me to, just let me know.

*Except publishers, they're evil