"The Academy" Writing feedback
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"The Academy" Writing feedback
So, my friend told me he got errors trying to use the alpha version of my first campaign. I'd like feedback on the writing for it though, so I thought I'd post the set of images for the first campaign here:
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/25139867/The%20 ... 0Story.zip
Yes, the elf captain is SUPPOSED to be acting that strangely.
I'd appreciate any input on humor, characterization, and my general writing, as well as any constructive criticism (I define constructive as "accompanied by advice on how to fix the criticism").
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/25139867/The%20 ... 0Story.zip
Yes, the elf captain is SUPPOSED to be acting that strangely.
I'd appreciate any input on humor, characterization, and my general writing, as well as any constructive criticism (I define constructive as "accompanied by advice on how to fix the criticism").
Re: "The Academy" Writing feedback
Backstory1: what year? do you mean "Kingdom of Wesnoth" (there are a few groups living in "land of Wesnoth")? also, prose could be tightened up or made stronger by removing redundant words such as "such", "typically".
Backstory2: tighten up, e.g.: "One human kingdom decided to try a systematic approach - military academies."
Backstory3: remove "for this purpose"
Backstory4: combine this page with above. It reads like there is someone speaking - should there be a self-introduction somewhere such as "From the journal of BlaBla" or "Call me Mal-Ish"?
Backstory5: consensus is unanimous by definition. you could say "almost everyone agrees, however" instead. remove redundant "It begins with".
GD1 - GD20: way too many dialogue sections. maybe you could have them discover the elvish town and say it wasnt there yesterday, then follow up with briefer back and forth dialogue with the elf and then the get ready to fight speech. also, there doesnt seem to be anyone serious in charge of the students.
Backstory2: tighten up, e.g.: "One human kingdom decided to try a systematic approach - military academies."
Backstory3: remove "for this purpose"
Backstory4: combine this page with above. It reads like there is someone speaking - should there be a self-introduction somewhere such as "From the journal of BlaBla" or "Call me Mal-Ish"?
Backstory5: consensus is unanimous by definition. you could say "almost everyone agrees, however" instead. remove redundant "It begins with".
GD1 - GD20: way too many dialogue sections. maybe you could have them discover the elvish town and say it wasnt there yesterday, then follow up with briefer back and forth dialogue with the elf and then the get ready to fight speech. also, there doesnt seem to be anyone serious in charge of the students.
Re: "The Academy" Writing feedback
Thanks for the feedback on the story parts, I definitely felt that was the weakest part of my writing.
There's nobody "serious," as in military-serious, in charge because they really don't expect an INVASION; they'd hear about something like that from the neighboring areas, since they're sorta in the middle of their kingdom. This is more looking out for trespassers, ferocious wildlife, or small-time bandits, stuff that students would be expected to be capable of handling.
As for it taking too long, which parts do you advocate removing? I do agree it might be a TAD long, but I don't want to sacrifice any of the humorous parts.
Yeah, they do seem a bit unprofessional, I just figured it would be more interesting that way. Basically, Lester, Alastor, Denning and Mark are the top students in their classes, and I'll make this more apparent by giving them slightly modified and buffed versions of their current classes.tr0ll wrote: GD1 - GD20: way too many dialogue sections. maybe you could have them discover the elvish town and say it wasnt there yesterday, then follow up with briefer back and forth dialogue with the elf and then the get ready to fight speech. also, there doesnt seem to be anyone serious in charge of the students.
There's nobody "serious," as in military-serious, in charge because they really don't expect an INVASION; they'd hear about something like that from the neighboring areas, since they're sorta in the middle of their kingdom. This is more looking out for trespassers, ferocious wildlife, or small-time bandits, stuff that students would be expected to be capable of handling.
As for it taking too long, which parts do you advocate removing? I do agree it might be a TAD long, but I don't want to sacrifice any of the humorous parts.
Re: "The Academy" Writing feedback
one way would be to have fewer characters speaking at the beginning,, they could interject humour during the gameplay instead