RPG Project Intro Story (Comments Welcome)

[artisticdude]

This is the introduction to the Wesnoth RPG I am working on. This text contains major plot spoilers, just so you know. For those of you who do read it, I'd appreciate your comments on any/all details. I'm especially concerned about the length, but I don't see how I can condense it any more than I already have without losing vital detail or information.

PLOT SPOILERS:

Aeranor. A word from the ancient tongue, literally meaning 'strife'. A suitable name, for such a land as this; a land that has never known true peace since its discovery.

Aeranor was discovered in the dawn of the fifth age. A wild land, full of untamed forests and forbidding mountain ranges, desolate wastelands and fetid marshes. The western lands across the sea on the continent of Surkaria saw the discovery as a chance to gain more land and power, and four of these five western lands -Erelor, Vastalia, Draelund, and Kethallica- immediately sent as large an army as possible to claim this new land. Conflict was inevitable.

The Kethallican army never even reached Aeranor, as their fleet was utterly destroyed in battle with that of the Vastalians midway through the journey. The Vastalians and the other two armies arrived at Aeranor without further incident and immediately began to wage war among themselves, each claiming a certain area of the new land as a base. From these claims, each side waged war against the other two ruthlessly.

The conflict dragged out for six decades, and the borders of each side's claimed land changed time and time again. Eventually the fighting slowed to the occasional skirmish or border raid, yet the conflict never entirely settled. Kethallica never tried to send another expedition to Aeranor, and Ursark, the fifth and largest land in Surkaria, never seemed to take any interest in the matter at all.

With the lessening of violence between the three territories, Aeranor began to become more settled, as people looking for a new start, adventures eager for glory, or prospectors eager for riches moved to the claim of their country to seek their fortunes.

But these are all just stories to you. You have never seen Aeranor, never crossed to Great Sea to seek fame and fortune in the new land. A Draelundian by birth, you are an apprentice to the elite Draelundian force known as the Nar'roth. The Nar'roth are a group of elite warriors and spies, chosen for their exceptional physical and and mental skills and trained apart from the rest of the Draelundian military. The Draelundian government employs the Nar'roth in everything from espionage to carrying confidential messages to other kingdoms. The Nar'roth are highly trained, highly capable, and highly secretive, truly the best of the best. To be chosen to join their ranks is truly an honor, and one which you strive your hardest to live up to.

Your training was rigorous and exhausting. You were made to go days without food or water while performing rigorous mental and physical exercises. You were locked in a cell so small that you couldn't even move your arms or legs. You were forced to sleep outside with only your cloak during the dead of winter, when snow covered the ground twenty inches deep. You were made to stay awake for three whole days while memorizing complex strategical battlefield maneuvers, in case you were ever required to command an army during a conflict. Every time you thought the trials couldn't get get any worse, they did. But you knew that if you want to be the best of the best, you had to be able to endure all of the torture given you, and more. So you grit your teeth and forced yourself through it all, knowing that at the end it would all be worth it.

Midway through your training, you were suddenly summoned by the Nar'roth council, a trio of the oldest and wisest members of the Nar'roth. The council governs the Nar'roth, punishing failures and disobedience and giving assignments from the government to those of the Nar'roth judged most suitable for the task at hand. You had never received a summons from the council before, and it worried you. Had you failed in some way during your training? Were you not good enough to be a Nar'roth? Were you going to be thrown out, after all you'd already gone through?

Upon entering the council, you were informed that you were showing exceptional promise, especially for one so young and untried. You manage to conceal your pride and pleasure at the complements and maintain complete control over your emotions, just as you had been taught from your earliest days of training. For all you knew, this might be merely another test to evaluate your capabilities.

However, the council had not summoned you merely to feed you idle complements. They told you that you had been chosen above all the other Nar'roth apprentices to accompany two of the senior Nar'roth -Ariah and Issynian- on a mission that was of vital importance not only to the Kingdom of Draelund, but to all of Surkaria. In short, you were going to Aeranor, to deliver a message to Lord Klestron, the high commander of the Draelundian territory in Aeranor. However, that was all you were told. Hardly surpassing, since no Nar'roth in their right mind would trust any apprentice -or even another Nar'roth- with such knowledge unless there was an extremely vital reason to do so. You were told to collect your gear and report early the following morning to begin your mission, then abruptly dismissed.

The following day you and your Nar'roth companions boarded a Draelundian wrakkon, a small, lightly-armed ship renowned for its speed. Obviously time was of the essence in this mission. Your companions hardly spoke to you, other than a cordial nod when you met them before setting out, but such aloofness doesn't surprise you. It is the way of the Nar'roth not to speak unless absolutely necessary. Your vessel sped towards Aeranor, the captain swearing he'd make the voyage in less than a fortnight, a record for crossing the Great Sea. Temporarily freed from the vigorous training regimen you had been experiencing for the last five years, you managed to enjoy the voyage.

However, the peacefulness of the voyage was not destined to last.

On the dawn of the eighth day after you began your voyage, a black sail was spotted on the horizon to the west. The following morning the sail was still there, although this time it was closer. You were being followed, and the ship following you was even faster than a wrakkon. The captain of the wrakkon tried to lose the pursuer in the darkness of the night, but no matter what maneuvers he tried, the black sail remained on the horizon, gradually becoming larger with each passing hour. Ariah and Issynian said nothing to you, but the steely glint in their eyes as the black sails drew ever closer told you they were worried.

On the dawn of the twelfth day after you had set out, the black sails had become a massive black-painted galleon, which seemed to be made of metal rather than wood. The behemoth shot through the water like an arrow from a bow, churning the foam from the wrakkon's wake until it was a mere two miles behind your vessel. Night fell, and those aboard the wrakkon knew with heavy hearts that the "black demon", as the sailors had named the persuing vessel, would catch up with them before morning. If those onboard were hostile, it meant a fight to the death. Issynian and Ariah told you that the three of you were going to board one of the wrakkon's small shoreboats and slip away under cover of darkness as soon as possible.

You hastily collected your gear into a small sea-chest and stowed it in the boat. Issynian and Ariah lowered the shoreboat into the water alongside the wrakkon with the help of the sailors, and were just about to enter the small craft when...

The wrakkon never stood a chance. The massive black galleon slammed into her from amidships, skewering her on its iron prow and knocking all aboard to the deck. Giant figures clad in obsidian armor flooded from the galleon to the wrakkon, instantly slaying any who stood in their path. You leapt to your feet and looked around for Ariah and Issynian, only to see Ariah butchered by one of the obsidian-clad figures flooding the deck. Issynian lay a yard from where you stand, a giant splinter of wood from the ruined wrakkon sticking out of his chest, his blood pooling around him. He was still alive, although barely. You rushed over to help him while the wrakkon's sailors tried as best they could to combat the enemy.

When you reached him, Issynian was breathing hoarsely, his face white and drawn with pain. His eyes widen as he recognizes you, and he scrabbles at his side, eventually drawing forth a small, brilliant blue crystal canister which glows slightly as he weakly shoves it into your hands. ""Message,"" he gasps, his breath coming in short, wheezing gasps. ""Message... Lord... Klestron... go now... quickly... do not... do not fail..."" And then he is gone, leaving you alone with a small blue canister and only seconds to flee before being cut down by giant creatures in black armor.

Stuffing the canister into the pouch hanging at your belt, you leap over the side of the ruined wrakkon into the shoreboat below and begin to row eastward with all your might. Unfortunately, you do not manage to leave unobserved. A sound aboard the galleon, more animal roar than human voice, alerts the enemy to your escape. Missiles begin to fill the air around you, but you miraculously manage to avoid most of them, the rest bouncing off the boat around you. Unable to move with the wrakkon dangling from her bow, the galleon can only drift in the waves as its occupants watch you row eastward. You heave a sigh of relief as the ships fade into the night, only to realize that you have another problem.

Your shoreboat has a leak.

Though you try your best to discover and patch the leak, nothing can prevent an old, rotten shoreboat that has been unused for years from taking in water. Your only hope is to make it as close to land as possible before the craft goes under. From there, you will have to swim.

You manage to make it another three miles, between bailing and rowing, before the shoreboat gives out and vanishes under the surface of the ocean. Clinging to the seachest containing your equipment, you begin to swim eastward for what seems like centures. Nothing you have ever experienced in your Nar'roth training has been as hard as this. Tossed about by the waves, trying to make headway, it seems you are thrown back two yards for every one foot you manage to swim forward.

You have no idea how long you swam. The night wore on -or had the sun simply deserted this part of the world?- and still you swam. The darkness was so black, so complete... darkness...


--------------

*(and then the player wakes up on an island with his/her sea chest full of equipment next to him/her, and then the actual playable game begins)*

[blueknight1758]

Wow! Great story skills.
My feedback would be that it is great but the 'clans' that the world is based upon haven't been described so you don't know hat there traits and such are but besides that great job.

[artisticdude]

Thanks.

My feedback would be that it is great but the 'clans' that the world is based upon haven't been described so you don't know hat there traits and such are but besides that great job.

What I plan on doing is fleshing each country's background and customs out over the course of the campaign (through talking to NPC's, reading books, etc.). It's just too hard to fit all of that into the intro, and it isn't really needed there as much anyway.

[tr0ll]

1. exciting! i want to play already
2. various spelling errors, i can help when you are ready for that sort of thing
3. the use of "you" is jarring unless the character's name will be typed in by the player. if you are making an RPG then i guess a way will be found to do that.
4. you might be able to inject a dialogue-only scenario even into that first intro, to break up the length. a training scenario at the beginning to get used to the unit's moves and combat could add flavour.
5. Spoiler:

   you dont mention what Erelor did. presumably they took a stealthier approach...
6. Spoiler:

   it strains credibility that the black galleon would not have small boats or be unable to free itself in an hour or two. perhaps the attack can happen at night and there are multiple shoreboats to pursue.

[Neuromancer]

This part of the story is way too much clichéd for my tastes:

Spoiler:

When you reached him, Issynian was breathing hoarsely, his face white and drawn with pain. His eyes widen as he recognizes you, and he scrabbles at his side, eventually drawing forth a small, brilliant blue crystal canister which glows slightly as he weakly shoves it into your hands. ""Message,"" he gasps, his breath coming in short, wheezing gasps. ""Message... Lord... Klestron... go now... quickly... do not... do not fail..."" And then he is gone, leaving you alone with a small blue canister and only seconds to flee before being cut down by giant creatures in black armor.

What about replacing it with something like Issynian's dead body fell to the dock. A small crystal trundled off from his hand. You quickly grabbed it and hopped into the boat. Thinking about it, that whole part is a little cheap. There are two experienced spec-ops who fail to escape with the shoreboat in time? Unlikely. What if all three of them managed to board the shoreboat, but the guys from the galleon noticed it and sent some boat to chase them down? There can be some small skirmish, veterans die and main character grabs the crystal just before his shoreboat is blown to pieces. Then he falls unconscious and wakes up on the shore.

About length: I think you dont have to worry about it too much if you divide the story into 3-6 parts and then display them to the player at the end of each turn in the first mission.
And Id described the involved factions with one, two sentences.

[bigkahuna]

Honestly, I'd be careful about putting this in the RPG, if only because the first thing I think of is WOAH THIS IS LONG. Presenting it in installments, in optional history readings, or in character monologues *might* be more interesting and provide the same end result.

[Boldek]

Honestly, I'd be careful about putting this in the RPG, if only because the first thing I think of is WOAH THIS IS LONG. Presenting it in installments, in optional history readings, or in character monologues *might* be more interesting and provide the same end result.

yeah, I agree this is a tad long, maybe adding a short escape from the pirates, just simply running across the deck would awake the player, as not to feel long and boring.

[Shinobody]

Good morning!
Thank you for choosing my RPG project.
Hope you have fun.
But first, obligatory for amateur RPGs everywhere, Wall of Text!

Seriously, even assuming that every one paragraph means one story page with image, it's still way too boring to read.
I'd say trim down everything before "it's just stories to you" and tell everything after in optional intro scenario or two, since people care about characters, but not give a heck about story splash images.
Seriously, have you played Dungeon Siege?* And remember how have you weeped after this old guy asked you to find Gyorn and then DIED, oMG!
Not?
Hell, me too. I even can't remember his name for purpose of this post.
Tell you what, I think if he at least was your companion for duration of the first quest then maybe you'd get any emotion from his death.
* - if you didn't then picture just any cliched scene where someone dies in intro sequence for purpose of story exposition.
TL;DR: TL,DR.