Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing?

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blasphymer
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Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing?

Post by blasphymer »

It has become apparent that my writing has declined since my departure from school. Aside from being personally sad about this (I generally take pride in being a somewhat literate person) I seek to improve myself.

So here is a couple samples of what I currently have (tried) to write.


This was for StDrake's BSH era:
Spoiler:
And this is the first scenario of my own campaign:
Spoiler:
If anyone could help me get better I would surely appreciate it!
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Reepurr
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Re: Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing

Post by Reepurr »

blasphymer wrote:This was for StDrake's BSH era:

Obviously a drake is given quite a role in Dragservion society. Leading men into battle, standing by his people at the quaintest of times.... His dragon blood is most likely to blame for this. It is his prerogative then to enjoy the same benefits afforded to dragons: the high standing, the fearless loyalty, and above all is the strength to rip men apart.
The problem with trying to write Wesnothianish (say that three times as fast!) is that it's a fairly archaic language. Unit descriptions also aren't written in first person, e.g. His becomes Their.
I can't really explain what's wrong actually...not very good at explaining things...but I'll rewrite it for you.
Drakes are given major roles in the Dragservion society. Drakes lead men into battle, fight ferociously and stand by their allies at the most dangerous of times, strengthened by the ancient dragons' blood that runs through their veins. Because of this, the drakes are awarded with the very same benefits dragons enjoy: high standing among the Dragservion; undying loyalty to their masters; and the terrible strength to rip their foes into pieces.
You may be inclined to replace the semicolons with commas: I do not particularly understand how they work.
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Dovolente
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Re: Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing

Post by Dovolente »

Reepurr's rewrite is clearer and has better style, mostly because it is much more straightforward and doesn't try to come off as epic writing. He toned down terms like "obviously", "quite a role", "the quaintest". He avoided unclear connections like "leading men...ripping men to pieces". He also fixed some of the grammar problems, like the dangling participial modifier ("Leading men...his dragon blood"--which makes it seem like the blood is leading).

As far as the semicolons go, commas would be standard usage there. Semicolons are used with items in a series when those items have their own interior commas, as in this sentence: "I have visited Pocatello, Idaho; Tuscaloosa, Alabama; Chattanooga, Tennessee and Chengwatana, Minnesota."

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bigkahuna
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Re: Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing

Post by bigkahuna »

Dovolente wrote: Semicolons are used with items in a series when those items have their own interior commas
Also after a complete clause in a sentence that you want to be separate. E.G.:

I went to the store on 4th Street to buy some fruit; I didn't see any apples!
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blasphymer
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Re: Getting 'on-par' with the Wesnothian standard of writing

Post by blasphymer »

So I have to make my writing seem clearer and more straightforward?

So like this perhaps, using the Loyalist Spearman:

Spearmen are the rank and file of the Wesnothian army. Versatile enough to throw ranged attacks and hold their own in close quarter combat, generals in a pinch can recruit them for little cost.

EDIT: I agree with bigkahuna, that is how I learned the use of the semicolon.
Currently working on a morally gray campaign, Cry of the Assassin... Working on: storyline Completed: Two scenarios and one cutscene, resprites, and a few customized units

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