WIP Non-Wesnoth Story

[AtemTheLightning]

Atem looked out of his window at the incoming Redleg Goblin attack force. To their right, a raid party bolted past, hoping to kill the Goblin Kan. The Goblin Kan was the leader of the Redleg Goblin clan that had been attacking (VILLAGE) for no reason. The village was peaceful and poor, and the rest of the world barely noticed it. But the Goblins wanted it destroyed.

An arrow storm was launched at the village, and one narrowly missed Atem. More arrows were launched, but these ones were on fire. They caught fire to Atem's house and several others. Atem leapt out of the window, landing in a forwards roll. He glimpsed Goblins with black shirts run out of the village orchard as he dodged a falling arrow. Two Guards stood near the gate, swords ready. They wouldn't stop the goblins.

There was a loud smash and the gate was blasted to pieces. Redleg Goblins poured in. The Jabbers led the way, stabbing like mad and taking down a guard. The Whackers came next, bashing down the other guard. Atem realized (VILLAGE) was doomed.

Any good?

[Ecks]

I am not a writer, but I'd like to think I'm at least pretty good at offering advice about writing.

When reading this I feel a little bit disoriented. Part of this comes from not knowing the context of the story (I don't know where it's coming from or where it's going to end up), but some of it also comes from brevity. What does the village look like? I feel like more description would be nice to help visualize exactly what the layout of the village is, what time of day or night it is, and more about what Atem smells, sees, hears (or maybe what he looks like). Perhaps cutting to the action immediately is not as good as letting the idea of a "black column of goblins" sink in before they actually arrive and destroy the village. Some build up will make the battle more exciting. Also, I'm not sure what the raiding party is, whom they're aligned with, or what . From personal experience I can say that the most frustrating part about writing is knowing what everything looks like and how it happens, but not how to explain it. It's always surprising how much information the reader needs to know that you can easily leave out because you forget you already know it. So the best thing I can see is to slow down with the action a little bit. Maybe make a map of the village and a detailed outline of the whole story before you begin to write. Is this meant to be a short story, novella, or a novel? Who are the other characters, and how do we get to know them? Let me know if this helps or if you end up writing more.

Ecks

[AtemTheLightning]

Alright, what about this?

In the peaceful mountainous Scarlia Crag, a dog barked, as it ran around the green, grassy park. Around the park, rows upon rows of cottages had been jammed inside the hastily made village walls. Behind their doors, people went about their daily business but an air of fear hung like a cloak due to the recent Redleg Goblin Clan attacks.

Even the wisest of the elders could not work out why the goblins were attacking. The goblins were violent, but never attacked villages. Yet, that didn't stop a distant trail of goblins approaching for the third time in known history.

[Vladcara]

How's about something like this?

The usually peaceful village of Scarlia Crag was in turmoil. For some reason unknown to the villagers, a force of goblins of the Redleg tribe had come pouring into their idyllic valley just two days hence. The vicious creatures were camped half way down the valley, and as Atem looked through the window of his small house he could see the smoke rising from a hundred cookfires, spiralling into the air until it blotted out the sun.

As he watched, Atem thought he could see movement at the edge of the goblin camp. He looked on in horror as a sizeable party of spear- and club-wielding goblins emerged from their tents and began to move towards the village. At their head rode a large goblin. Nearly as tall as a human, the creature was bedecked with feathers and pieces of golden jewellery. He rode on the back of a huge grey wolf and carried a wicked-looking scimitar. It was obvious to Atem that this was the goblins' Kan, the one who had ordered this inexplicable attack on Atem's peaceful home.

Atem scrambled to his feet. He had to warn the village elders! But as he reached the door of his home, he heard the sound of the great horn of Scarlia. A relic from a distant, war-filled past, the horn was only blown in times of dire peril. In all his 32 years of life, Atem had never heard it sounded before.

The goblins respoded to the clarion call with whooping warcries and horn-blasts of their own. The Kan raised his weapon and bwllowed something in the harsh goblin-tongue. His troops surged forwards.

The village's militia were assembling by the main gate. A hundred men - some as young as 14, some as old as 60 - armed with pitchforks and old, rusty blades. Atem shook his head. Is was not enough. A hundred against two thousand...

It was then that Atem knew in his heart that he would die.

All across the village, the terrified citezens scrambled this way and that, snatching up brooms, knives, rolling pins; anything they could find to defend themselves with. The tide of goblins broke against the walls of the village. Those few among the villagers who had some skill at archery fired arrows down into the mass of malicious creatures, and many goblins fell. But for each one that died, there were two more to take its place.

The militia forces gathered themselves, old Sergeant Paulus, a retired soldier and nominal leader of the defence of the village, yelled at them to form ranks. As the shaken villagers moved to follow his orders, there was a terrible *creeeeaak*, and the gate fell. With wild cries, the goblins rushed inside.

Arrows fell throughout the village, their black shafts claiming the lives of people Atem had known since he had been born. Another volley was launched, and a hail of blazing missilesfell amoung the houses, lighting several on fire, Atem's included. Ducking into a side street, the frightened cobbler caught glimpses of black-shirted goblins hurrying past. Somewhere to Atem's left, a baby screamed. The wail was cut off sharply, to be replaced by a strangled cry.

Goblins surged everywhere, burning and slaughtering. The few remaining militia tried valiantly to hold them off, but to no avail. Atem ran past a pile of corpses and skidded into the town square. There by the fountain lay the cold body of Sergeant Paulus. By the sundered goblin corpses strewn about him, the old soldier had taken a fair number of the enemy with him. Atem saluted the fallen warrior, then turned and ran down another street.

He came to the foot of the old guard tower. Dashing inside, he hurriedly climbed the rickety wooden staircase within. After a minute, he reached the top and stepped out onto the wooden rampart. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked out at the scene of utter destruction that greeted him. Fires raged across the village, and goblins swarmed over the rubble of buildings that had stood for decades. As he heard the patter of goblin feet behind him, he realised that everything he had ever known was gone. Then there was a hard *thunk* on the top of his head, and he toppled backwards. The last thing he saw was the shrp-toothed smile of a grinning goblin. Then his vision clouded over, and he knew no more...

Something to work from at least. Feel free to steal bits. I made up the ending, as I didn't want to drag on for too long, but hopefully you can think up something a bit more...heroic

[AtemTheLightning]

Continuing from my other one...

As the Goblins drew closet, a tall, thin black-haired villager named Atem looked out of the window. He saw the Goblin Kan, their leader, striding forwards in his wickedly spiked blood red armour, swinging his deadly sword. His army roared and then the call of a horn echoed through the air. It was the Horn of Scarlia, a memory of a distant, war torn past.

Two armored guards ran through the city, taking up places near the heavy wooden gate, and a group of hunters lined up in front of the gurgling fountain at the top of some rocky stairs. A few minutes later, the gate guards were joined by a handful of villagers armed with clubs and knives.

But it wasn't enough, as they discovered when the gates exploded with a huge crash. The Goblins charged in and the first row fell, but a flurry of short, bent arrows slammed into the humans, who dropped to the ground, splattering it with patches of red blood.

The hunters raised their bow, loading blue-feathered arrows and opening fire. Most arrows dug into the goblins, but one erupted into a shockwave of electricity. They loaded more arrows as the suicidal goblins charged up the steps, then they fired. The second row slipped in the blood of the first. Suddenly, the leader of the hunters was caught in the chest by a tiny, flaming meteor. His corpse went flying backwards, crashing into the fountain.

[artisticdude]

Umm... how would you pronounce "Atrm?" There are no vowels in the last three letters of the word, which makes it difficult to pronounce and leads to the reader subconsciously (or not) adding in vowels as he saids the word. I'd pronounce it Atrim, but I other people might prononce it "Atrum" or "Atram" or "Atrom". It's just a very awkward name to say.

and then a horn's sound echoed through the air.

It might be better to have "the call of a horn" instead of "a horn's sound", since the possessive isn't applied to inanimate objects.

[AtemTheLightning]

Umm... how would you pronounce "Atrm?" There are no vowels in the last three letters of the word, which makes it difficult to pronounce and leads to the reader subconsciously (or not) adding in vowels as he saids the word. I'd pronounce it Atrim, but I other people might prononce it "Atrum" or "Atram" or "Atrom". It's just a very awkward name to say.

and then a horn's sound echoed through the air.

It might be better to have "the call of a horn" instead of "a horn's sound", since the possessive isn't applied to inanimate objects.

Whoops! I meant Atem.

Without their leader, the hunters were overun and the Goblins poured into the city, some being killed by their own rain of flaming arrows. An arrow struck Atem's house, and the wooden pillar caught alight. 

Atem vaulted out of the window, landing on a sturdy tree branch. He reached out and tugged at another branch, this one much smaller. It seperated with a crack and Atem fell to the ground, landing in his trash parchment cart.

A goblin rushed past, but before he got far Atem smashd it's skull and ran. He saw his best friend, a tanned, brown haired man with blond highlights called Drak, throw a stone at a goblin that was carrying explosives. It missed and hit a crate of boompowder and it was blown to pieces. 

"Come on!" shouted Atem and the pair ran for the old guard tower.

At the entrance, they saw their short guardian friend with shorter blond hair Yami madly carving down Goblin Wild's with no mercy. He ripped his sword out of one and smashed another's nose with a wild kick. The rest ran as Yami bellowed a viscious war cry. The three friends cornered the one with the broken nose.

"Please no kill!" it begged.

"If you do what we say, we'll keep you alive." said Atem.

"Ya ya ya!" said the Goblin enthusiastically.

"Why are you attacking?" asked Atem.

"Dead mans come attack'" muttered the Goblin.

"Undead." said Drak.

"Evil things, aren't they?" replied Atem.

"Ya ya ya! Kan say get dis homeland!" said the Goblin helpfully.

Before the trio of men could respond, the Goblin Kan clattered round the corner, followed by a guard with a wide face and short black hair. He swung his sword, but the Kan span round and blocked, snarling fearsomely. All the humans ran.

[AtemTheLightning]

So.. Any good?