The Southern Chains [Fan-fic]

[wolfman47]

i dont like that part where kalith says :
You can," said Kalith, "I can tell instantly about people. It's a gift."
id like more something like this :
We can trust him
how do you know
I can tell... its a gift..

what do you think abot that?

[Hulavuta]

Wow. I like how your first post in the whole forum is in my topic. That really boosted my ego.

But on to your topic, it was kind of a shout out/quote from the film adaption of Jurassic Park. True, I found it a bit awkward too, but I don't think it's a huge problem.

[Hulavuta]

Meh.

---------------

Josh woke up and smelled the smoke of the campfire. Climbing out of the wagon, he saw Cassius, grilling some caught fish. He wondered how long he was sleeping. He quickly decided it didn't matter and decided it did matter that he wanted to eat some. He walked over to the fire, wanting to get warm. Cassius greeted him and handed him a fish.

"Thanks," said Josh, "where's everyone else?"

"Kalith went exploring," Cassius said, "and Greck went with him. Irix is catching the fish, with Xeni's help. I'm grilling them and....I know not where Garrath Toa is."

"Forgetting someone?" said Vrag as he emerged from the woods, dragging behind him a dead horse. It had taken six arrows apparently to defeat it. Josh was surprised.

"Looks like it took a bit to kill it," said Josh, "six whole arrows?"

"Not six," replied Vrag, "the first 2 were already in it when I found it. Surprisingly strong. It had almost trampled me when I managed to kill it."

"Well," said Cassius, "you never know what a cornered animal might do. You might be surprised at how vicious they can become."

"Speaking of which," interrupted Josh, "Vrag, why don't we go back into the woods, and I'll give you some pointers....."

----------

Greck slashed at the huge tree, knocking it down. Grabbing his rope and tying the trunk, which he had cut into three, he turned to see what Kalith was doing. He was over at some orc and elvish corpses, which had been left from a battle some time ago. He was sizing the orc helmets, and settled on one that fit him. He salvaged some of the weapons.

"Why waste your time on junk?" asked Greck. "Help me gather firewood."

"You never know when junk may be useful," came the reply, "speaking of which, I want to check out that orcish camp. It seems to be abandoned, I mean, since we drove all these guys off all by ourselves of course..."

"You're going to get into a lot of trouble there," said Greck, "the place is probably littered with traps or even orcish warriors."

Kalith seemed to ignore his warning and ran off, with his new helmet on. He reached the camp, without any danger. The camp was as he expected. Abandoned. The orcs had taken everything when they fled, including any wolves and weaponry. Except for one thing: a bag laid under a tree. Kalith ran to grab it, and was snatched up by a trap laid right in front of it.

Greck, who apparently had been following him, said, "See? You would be wiser to listen to a more experienced warrior like me..."

"Yeah yeah yeah..." said Kalith, "just cut me down from here, I saw something interesting under the tree..."

Greck, not about to leave his ally to die simply because he was foolish, rammed into the tree several times, shaking the trap lodged in it, until it fell. Greck used his strength to rip it open. Kalith rushed out, thanking him, and ran straight to the bag. He opened it.

"What is it?" said Greck.

"I'm not sure," replied Kalith, "but I have a good idea...let's take these back to the camp."

---------------

"-and if you place your finger here, like this, you'll get a better shot. It feels like you don't have control, but it'll actually be far more accurate."

Vrag did as he was instructed, and loosed five arrows consecutively, each hitting near the bull's eye of each target, with three of the five hitting the bull's eye themselves.

"See?" asked Josh, "better?"

"Yeah," said Vrag, "I guess."

At that time, Irix and Xeni happened to pass their way, hauling a large net full of fish. Deciding they had done enough practice for the day, Vrag and Josh followed. As they returned to their "camp" site, they found that Kalith and Greck had a surprise for them. Garrath Toa was also present, and they were informed that he was found napping the whole day, inside the caravan.

"We found this in the orcs' camp," said Kalith. He reached into the bag, and pulled out a bottle, but instead of a cork, a cloth-like material plugged it. The cloth hung out the side of the bottle.

"At first we thought it was waste, which the orcs were probably had a lot of." He continued, "but then we found out they were actually weapons."

He took a stick of wood from the fire and placed the bottle on the ground. "I would advise you all to stay back," he said.

Taking cover behind the bushes, they watched as Kalith set the cloth on fire using the wood, and then he ran to join the group.

As they watched the fire burn down the whole cloth into the bottle, igniting a strange fluid inside the bottle, it exploded. The blast was huge and it sent hot shards of glass flying around the campsite.

"Ingenious..." said Garrath. "Surely the orcs couldn't have made this themselves..."

"I'm afraid so," said Vrag, "the orcs DID make this. I saw them myself."

Kalith agreed. "We found these diagrams at the orc camp. The handwriting is far too crude to be written in elvish."

Vrag began to elaborate. "You see, the orcs, lacking magic, and lacking numbers, as you probably saw, had to rely less on brutality and more on creativity."

After a bit more discussion about the explosives, Garrath announced that they still had much more road to travel, and they all packed up and went on their way. Josh couldn't help but remember what Cassius had said about what a cornered animal might do.

---------------

More to come, I guess...

[Frenzik]

Smooth converstions-seems to flow well. Nice cliff hanger at the end of chapter 3. Though i would ditch the use of the word "Toa". Its to reminiscent of the Lego Bionicles. Also, i feel that Garrath is a very human sounding name. I've always imagined the Drakes to have a harsher culture and harsher traditions. I feel that the names should reflect that...other than that, great story line

[Hulavuta]

Ingame, you actually find drakes with the last name "Toa". I believe I actually HAD a drake named Garrath Toa, so it is a drake name. The name Toa from bionicle actually was taken (alongside many of their other words) from Polynesian culture. (I mean, what could possibly be more obscure to kids than Polynesians?) The word is a Polynesian word meaning warrior, which fits both the Toa and Garrath pretty well. But yeah, you caught me, it was a reference to Bionicle, which I allowed myself to do since it was conveniently also a real drake name.

If it bothers you too much, remember that you can pronounce it any way you want. Maybe it's pronounced Geyreth, maybe Gaaraath, or Garaath or anything that makes it sound more drakish.

[bigkahuna]

The fanfic in general is okay, but rather stereotypical at times... I also don't see much expansion on the difference in races (vampire, human, drake, orc). I would like it if there was more prejudice/conflict/internal problems in general. It just NEEDS MORE *FANTASY* REALISM.

Also, I found myself getting annoyed by all the Wesnoth references (unit names, attacks, etc. Reeppur had this problem too).

Besides that it's fairly good.

[Frenzik]

lol...its all cool man...I'm really not to mad that u used that name Garreth. The only reason is because i have a character in my campaign named Gaereth (and no, i wrote most of it before i read your fan-fic)...anways, what BK said about the use of unit names, attacks, etc., i agree.

[Hulavuta]

@bigkahuna: Araja already brought that up, (and I thought I already stopped using them?) but yeah, the point is valid.

Do you mean conflicts between races? Because so far, the only race I've shown more than a few of is the undead, who are all allied anyway. But when the heroes reach their destination, I'll probably add some then.

[bigkahuna]

Araja already brought that up, (and I thought I already stopped using them?)

You might have, it has been a while since you've stopped using them, but I just thought I'd mention it for quasi-helpfulness's sake.

Do you mean conflicts between races?

Yes. In real life AND in Wesnoth AND in every single fantasy book in the world there are conflicts between races, allied or otherwise. Either inter-relational conflict or outright fighting. You can't expect drakes, humans, saurians, orcs, etc. to all get along in harmony.

[Hulavuta]

Well, it is during the fall, and they did team up to escape, they really have no reason to hate each other, most of them weren't even born early enough to know that there were conflicts between their races. But like I said, once I get into more than a few characters of each race, you'll start to see more conflict.

[Hulavuta]

Yeah, adding more so I don't forget about it like I did for a few months.

Chapter 10:

-------------------------

The journey lasted simply a day more, which was mostly uneventful. Keeping a low profile, the group was never attacked, and got by easily. By this time, the injuries taken by the members were fully healed, and by that evening, they had reached the city. Garrath explained that evening was the best time to return to a drake territory, although he didn't elaborate on why. The various members of the group didn't care. They had long since learned that they could trust anything he said.

Kalith was surprised by what he saw. The drakes were more similar to dragons than he had first thought. Near the center of the city was a large mountain, a volcano rather, with drakes soaring around it, practicing their flying or burning targets from above or gliding by to crush them.

It was Greck however, who explained the structuring of the city. "You see, contrary to stereotypes," he began, "the volcano isn't the entire drake city. The volcano is simply used as a forge. The fires of the volcano let us craft our greatest weaponry and armor. A lot of the city is actually underground, as is traditional. Above the ground is where the training grounds are, alongside various other things."

"I see," said Kalith, "so do you fly up to the top of the volcano to get in? How do your non-flyers enter?"

"Holes are dug into the sides of the volcano, and some specific method is used to contain the lava flow and hollow it out. I wouldn't know. I'm a warrior, not a worker."

"Right," said Cassius, "but this isn't your city, is it Greck? How do you know so much about its mechanics?"

"I assumed it," replied Greck, "that's what's traditional and practical."

Kalith was shocked. It hadn't occurred to him that Greck had never even been to this city before. It was a much bigger contrast to what he was used to. With humans, even little towns had their own separate culture, design and such. He himself belonged to the aragwaith, who were known to be even more unorthodox.

I guess there aren't a lot of different ways to colonize a volcano... he thought to himself.

As they walked down the hill and lost their view of the volcano, they then saw a huge black gate. Several sentries were positioned on it, several carrying large spears, and others with large wings to lift off quickly. Garrath motioned for them to stay, and he flew to the gate.

"Halt," a drake yelled as he spotted Garrath, "who goes there?"

"Doronde..." said Garrath, "you don't recognize me? It's me, Garrath!"

The drake known as Doronde laughed. "Garrath? Ah, damn me, I'd recognize you anywhere, you old fool! Move aside! Let him in!"

Garrath landed on the catwalk of the gate, as some sentries cleared room for him to stand.

"Old friend," he said, "I hope you don't mind if I allow some refugees to stay with us."

Doronde Ohn, the captain of the guard, said that he didn't, and they were all let into the city.

"You might want to keep an eye on that one though," said Doronde, "you know the council's not going to like it."

"I've everything under control," replied Garrath, "the council won't mind, if I have anything to do with it."

The group entered the gates as the door opened, and as they entered, Kalith saw that Greck was right, the layout of the city was almost exactly how he had predicted.

Above the ground, as he saw it, several drake flyers were circling around a bunch of wooden targets, periodically attacking the targets below. He saw that the targets were covered in blades, to simulate all the places a live target might defend. As they moved forward, they saw other drakes, some with spears, some with swords or arm-mounted talons, some with headpieces like Greck's. They attacked several more wood targets, covered in the drake's own armor.

Garrath interrupted his sightseeing by saying: "You will be staying in that cave up ahead. Of course, it was designed with drakes in mind, so you will find yourselves with a lot of room."

Inside the cave, he saw more of the drake's culture. Small condensed lava flows powered forges that drake smiths created weapons in. Entering a large room with walls covered by torchlight, he saw several drakes and they saw him. As soon as the group had entered, fifty eyes glared at him.

He thought to himself how odd it was that they were staring at him. As Garrath pointed them to where they would be served a meal, the group walked, looking very awkward. Kalith saw that the eyes still followed him.

He whispered to Greck, "....why are they staring at me?"

"Not you," replied the giant. "Me."

----------------------

[Hulavuta]

Meh, I don't think anyone is even reading anymore, but here's chapter 11, why not. (Also haha chapter 11, if you guys get the reference.)

Chapter 11:

-----------------

Kalith looked at Greck with confusion in his eyes.

"You," he asked, "why you?"

"It goes back to the old hatreds," Greck simply replied. "From when the drakes had first began to appear above ground..."

Greck was cut off by the sound of another drake appearing. This one carried a large halberd.

"You," he said, pointing a finger towards Garrath.
"We don't want him here," he said next, pointing at Greck.

Kalith began to feel a little nervous. Looking at Greck, he could see he was nervous as well. Streaks of sweat began to climb down his head.

"Crende," replied Garrath Toa, "you can't settle these old conflicts? Even in a time like this?"

"No," said the drake named Crende, "I will never forgive him."

Kalith had half a mind to ask what would happen, but decided not to put himself in that awkward position. And after all,he thought to himself, any of these drake guys could kick my ass without a second thought.....

The drake Greck took a step forward. He seemed to have a new-found confidence. "Keep your forgiveness. I will never want it!"

With that, Crende charged towards Greck, choosing to lift his halberd in the air and swing the blade part down. Greck dodged easily and rammed into Crende's side, rocking him off balance. He quickly regained balance and thrust his halberd at Greck, who this time grabbed it and yanked it out of his hands. Crende fell forward but once again regained his balance. It seemed like he was an unmovable rock.

Greck tossed the halberd away and smiled. His own weapon was still strapped onto his back, as he opted not to use it in the fight. He rushed forward, this time slashing with his talons. Crende, rather than holding his ground this time, jumped backwards to avoid the blows. Seeing an opening as Greck slashed, Crende rushed at him, jumping into the air and throwing a kick straight into the drake warrior's face. Greck fell over but quickly got back to his feet. Although he felt pain aching all over his body, he knew he couldn't let his enemy know it.

Kalith watched in horror as none of the others had stepped in at all. His own allies, he understood. It wasn't their place to get in the middle of a drake fight. The drakes however, surprised him. None stepped in to end the fight. Most didn't even care. It seemed only the guards payed any attention to the fight, and even they didn't seem to care. It astounded him. In his village, a simple fight would garner the entire attention of the town, leading to counseling and punishment. Again, drake culture seemed to be an absolute mystery to him.

Meanwhile, Greck rushed towards Crende again, opting to go for a headbutt. Crende braced himself. As soon as Greck got in range, Crende grabbed onto his horns and pushed. The two warriors seemingly stood still as they struggled against each other.

Suddenly, Greck slipped to the floor, the surprise loosened Crende's grip. Greck threw a punch to Crende's stomach. The claws attached to his gauntlets hit the armor and bent to a perfect right angle, although the force of the blow was finally enough to knock the drake Crende to the floor.

Greck did not want to lose his momentum. He rushed at Crende again, picking him up and throwing him towards the wall. He punched repeatedly in the same spot. After several punches, it created a small dent in his armor. After several punches, his claws were completely flattened over his fist.

Greck made a final charge towards Crende, but Crende was ready to block once again. However, both warriors were very weakened. The impact of the blow broke both of Crende's outstretched hands, senging him flying through the air, and the momentum of Greck's rush caused him to fall over, collapsing in a heap on the ground.


Garrath looked over the fallen bodies. It was hard to tell if it was disappointment or happiness in his eyes. He simply called for the guards to take the two dying drakes away, and then proceeded to take the group to their rooms.

As they were walking, Kalith couldn't stop thinking about what happened. He mentioned for the group to stop.

"We're not going anywhere until I get some answers," he said, "what the hell just happened back there?"

----------------------------------

more to come later, I hope.

[Boldek]

I like your action scenes, and your way of ending chapters on cliffhangers, but is the plot supposed to be filled with unanswered questions, or am I just confused? why were kalith and josh captured? if kalith is a vampire, why is that he has a strong biting jaw, some trait I never noticed on vampires, and he has no other noticeable trait of vampire on him? keep writing, this is good!

[Hulavuta]

Hmm, yes please tell me all confusions you have. My greatest writing weakness is that I try to come up with these huge arcs, but as I understand everything, I'm not always sure if I've written it so everyone understands.

I guess they were captured for a "plot excuse" but the in-story reason was just that they needed good fighters for the arena. I have an in-story reason of why they wanted to do that which I will reveal later.

About the vampire thing, I didn't exactly do any research on vampires, I mostly played to the stereotypes. But the thing about vampires is that they are ancient, and their lore is very flexible. (Just look at any kind of vampire fiction and see how many liberties are taken with them) I assumed vampires had strong jaws (they don't?) because they bite humans, and I'm sure it takes at least strong teeth to pierce through a human.

And about Kalith, what other kind of vampiric stereotypes should I insert? He has the bite, he was subtly stronger at night (first chapter) but that's basically it. I also don't know if you've caught it, but an offhand comment where Kalith is shocked at Drake culture compares it to his own Aragwaith culture, implying that he was bitten and isn't a full vampire. (Again, another liberty taken with flexible vampire lore, Bitten Human =/= Full Vampire)

[Boldek]

aha! that explains alot about kalith. I wouldn't add any more v word stuff than you have, he is cool as he is.