Dwarf Scout line descriptions

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melinath
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by melinath » July 30th, 2009, 7:14 pm

These are getting really good! You make me feel lazy... but I have my excuses. You've done a good job of balancing civilian and military duties in these new versions. But they can be even better! :-)

Big point: Your capitalization is way inconsistent. I personally favor: race name always lowercase, even if it's as part of the unit name, and the unit name always capitalized. This comes from a conviction that the unit names are something like the units' titles, while the addition of race is purely to avoid confusion with the unmarked human units. In the scout desc, you capitalize race (even though it's not part of the unit name), don't capitalize the unit name, and in the last sentence you've also got an uncapitalized race reference.

Other than that, I like the scout desc. The pathfinder desc could use a bit more work: the second sentence is half redundant. We just heard how they spend their time. Perhaps combine it with the first sentence? Also, the sometimes is unnecessary. The description might be better off without it.

As to the explorer: Now you're overemphasizing the fact that there are other dwarves stronger than him. :-p It makes him sound really really weak. You need to find the sweet spot between "eh, not that great" and "this is the most awesomest unit EVAH!"

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Turuk
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by Turuk » July 30th, 2009, 7:22 pm

melinath wrote:Big point: Your capitalization is way inconsistent. I personally favor: race name always lowercase, even if it's as part of the unit name, and the unit name always capitalized. This comes from a conviction that the unit names are something like the units' titles, while the addition of race is purely to avoid confusion with the unmarked human units. In the scout desc, you capitalize race (even though it's not part of the unit name), don't capitalize the unit name, and in the last sentence you've also got an uncapitalized race reference.
It's not quite "way inconsistent." There's one instance where the unit name isn't capitalized and one instance where Dwarvish is lowercase. It just means that he has to go one way or the other, but that's a matter of preference.
melinath wrote:Other than that, I like the scout desc. The pathfinder desc could use a bit more work: the second sentence is half redundant. We just heard how they spend their time. Perhaps combine it with the first sentence? Also, the sometimes is unnecessary. The description might be better off without it.
I'm either way on this. Not having it means that they habitually leave for months at a time while the sometimes implies that they might leave for a week or two, but sometimes months at a time.
melinath wrote:As to the explorer: Now you're overemphasizing the fact that there are other dwarves stronger than him. :-p It makes him sound really really weak. You need to find the sweet spot between "eh, not that great" and "this is the most awesomest unit EVAH!"
True, but he still left the fact that they are unmatched in ranged combat. How is he supposed to hit exactly the middle without stating "They are better than A and B, but not C or D."
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melinath
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by melinath » July 30th, 2009, 7:41 pm

Turuk wrote:It's not quite "way inconsistent." There's one instance where the unit name isn't capitalized and one instance where Dwarvish is lowercase. It just means that he has to go one way or the other, but that's a matter of preference.
Way inconsistent might have been a bit much. ;-) I guess it was bothering me excessively since it was already pointed out to him and he didn't fix it. The capitalization should probably have a standard set... of course I prefer my version, but I realize it's arbitrary. We need something, though - the new descs should be consistent cross-race.
Turuk wrote:True, but he still left the fact that they are unmatched in ranged combat. How is he supposed to hit exactly the middle without stating "They are better than A and B, but not C or D."
Old sentence: Whilst their skill in a melee is less than other Dwarves, they are unmatched with throwing axes, having practised this skill in hunting.

Here's a quick "writeover": Although the Explorers can best most of their comrades in melee combat, they excel over all of them with their throwing axes, a skill they have often practiced while hunting in the mountains.

Just generally say that they're better than most, or that they're only weaker than a few.

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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by thespaceinvader » July 30th, 2009, 7:48 pm

thespaceinvader wrote:Current descriptions:
Spoiler:
Final Drafts:

Scout:
Spoiler:
Pathfinder:
Spoiler:
Explorer:
Spoiler:
I moved the civilian positions about a bit, making the Scouts the delivery guys, and the Pathfinders more like roving sheriffs or policemen. Hopefully this is an improvement.
Guess I missed a couple of capitalisations last time, I tried to fix them ;) I'm going for small letters on the species names and on the unit types, if this seems reasonable.

I call these final, unless anyone has any more issues. I'll commit in a bit.
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by lotsofphil » July 30th, 2009, 7:50 pm

I am glad someone else mentioned capitalization :) I wish there were an accepted 'right way'. Melinath's sounds good as does what I mentioned. No one would argue for capitalizing dwarf or elf, so it is just a question of "Dwarvish Thunderer" or "dwarvish Thunderer."

I think they are all good and just need a little polish.

Scout
Spoiler:

() You don't need both stamina and endurance.
[] Capitalization.
{} Take out the part about the lighter armor. It doesn't follow after the relaying messages part and it is redundant if you move it to after the first sentence. You don't need to say that lighter armor means poorer protection.

Pathfinder
Spoiler:

[] Capitalization.

Explorer
Spoiler:

() Tweak the the part about hunting and take out them being weaker in melee.
{} Try to make the last sentence flow a bit better from the previous one.

So, Scout is just the stamina/endurance thing and the two armor sentences.
Pathfinder is fine.
Explorer: I like adding to them being good axe throwers. I don't think you need to say they aren't as good at melee (they are almost the second strongest dwarf unit, which is saying a lot. They are stronger in melee than the Sentinel line). The last sentence jarred a little from the previous one. Not sure my fix alters that enough.

Hope that's helpful.

*edit* posted while someone else posted again. Oh well.

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melinath
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by melinath » July 30th, 2009, 8:00 pm

lotsofphil wrote:*edit* posted while someone else posted again. Oh well.
:P well... except that in this case, he mostly addressed the issues you've pointed out.

TSI: If you're going for that kind of capitalization, you missed one in the Pathfinder desc.

The first two sentences in that desc are still a bit redundant. Removing the one 'spend' was good, but "scouting and patrolling the borders" is essentially the same as "watching for invaders". The bandits are a separate point, though.

It's a little hard to tell, when you don't take a suggestion, what your reasons are - i.e. whether you've rejected the suggestion or whether you just didn't notice it. For example, stamina and endurance are basically synonyms; as lotsofphil pointed out, they don't both need to be there.

EDIT:: Oh, and one more capitalization thing: As I said, I don't mind what we end up using, but we should probably have a cross-description standard. Right now, the drake descs I've done have race lowercase and unit name uppercase. Turuk can probably change them (?) if necessary, so we don't have to be bound by what I've done, but we should decide on something.

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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by thespaceinvader » July 30th, 2009, 8:06 pm

I left stamina and endurance in because I like to have them both in for emphasis.

We should come up with a standard for that kind of stuff, you're right.
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melinath
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by melinath » July 30th, 2009, 8:09 pm

thespaceinvader wrote:I left stamina and endurance in because I like to have them both in for emphasis.
Works for me!

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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by Turuk » July 30th, 2009, 8:14 pm

melinath wrote:EDIT:: Oh, and one more capitalization thing: As I said, I don't mind what we end up using, but we should probably have a cross-description standard. Right now, the drake descs I've done have race lowercase and unit name uppercase. Turuk can probably change them (?) if necessary, so we don't have to be bound by what I've done, but we should decide on something.
It takes but a second to change them once a standard is established.

EDIT: Capitalizing both it is then.
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Re: Dwarf Scout line descriptions

Post by thespaceinvader » July 30th, 2009, 9:15 pm

Committed, with minor edits - i changed some capitalisations to the agreed scheme, and changed the word bowman for archer in the Pathfinder desc, because i didn't want to reference a specific unit, rather a generic human-with-a-bow, as opposed to elvish bow users, who are better.
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