Melinath's Descriptions: Drakes

[thespaceinvader]

Duly noted =)

I'd also suggest changing skulls for helms - the current description, in isolation, makes it sound as if they're going into battle bareheaded.

[Skrim]

Rather than allow themselves to be restricted by their heavy armor, Gladiators have learned to move in it and with it, (building up momentum to strike powerful blows with their metal claws or short spears). Even their thick skulls become weapons as they strive for a union of equipment and body. They are fully dedicated to the duties of their caste { – as long as these can be taken care of on the battlefield. }

() = I like the mention of short spears, given how the Gladiator has no Firststrike ability. The sentence sounds a bit long-winded. I'd split it from the first sentence, like this:

"... and with it. They build up momentum to strike powerful blows, with their metal claws or short spears."


{} = I didn't get this bit. What has law-enforcement got to do with the battlefield? I was under the image that Gladiators are fighting-because-they-think-it's-fun types, who prefer open battle to crime-fighting, while Slashers are strict law-enforcers. But I don't see how this line fits in anywhere. Care to explain?

[Araja]

It says in their description that they are the Judicators of drake hierarchy, who found themselves also effective in battling other races.

In modern, layman's terms, armed police who found their guns work in a warzone too.

[melinath]

Rather than allow themselves to be restricted by their heavy armor, Gladiators have learned to turn it to their advantage, channeling the weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum and letting it out in savage claw and spear blows against their enemies. Their union of equipment and body brings them to use even their thick skulls as weapons, buttressed as they are by a good clawswidth of metal. As long as it satiates their battlelust, Gladiators will do anything – even fulfill their caste duties.

@Skrim: I think I made that sentence even more long-winded... but I think it works. If it's still bothering you, say so, and I'll think about it some more. (I wrote this version before I saw your comment.) As to the law enforcement thing: basically, Araja is right. More specifically, the Clasher caste has two duties: territorial disputes and internal law enforcement. The Slasher line is more internally focused (warding), and the Gladiator line is more external (enforcing). The Gladiators also just tend to get a bit carried away.

[Turuk]

Melinath, unless I can catch you tonight on IRC, I will not be on tomorrow until later either, but I wanted to talk to you about a few key things.

Rather than allow themselves to be restricted by their heavy armor, Gladiators have learned to move in it and with it, building up momentum {to strike powerful blows with their metal claws or short spears.}

I feel like the last part of this sentence was better when compared with the current version you have below. (Marked)

Rather than allow themselves to be restricted by their heavy armor, Gladiators have learned to turn it to their advantage, channeling the weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum and {letting it out in savage claw and spear blows against their enemies.}

You can edit it, alter it, change it to something else entirely, I have faith in your judgement. Letting it out just jars with the writing of the rest of the description, and I don't know that "savage" relates well to a unit which (yes, I understand they love battle) has managed to train themselves to use their armor and weapons so effectively.

[melinath]

Letting it out just jars with the writing of the rest of the description, and I don't know that "savage" relates well to a unit which (yes, I understand they love battle) has managed to train themselves to use their armor and weapons so effectively.

Thanks, Turuk. Spot-on. I'll fix it tomorrow morning... right now, I need to sleep. I must have just caught the end of your irc time tonight. Oh, well. By tomorrow evening, I also plan to have the Enforcer/Warden descs drafted.

[Turuk]

Thanks, Turuk. Spot-on. I'll fix it tomorrow morning... right now, I need to sleep. I must have just caught the end of your irc time tonight. Oh, well. By tomorrow evening, I also plan to have the Enforcer/Warden descs drafted.

Sounds good, hopefully I can catch you tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening. I actually got your messages, but you caught me on what ended up being the end of my computer working time, as it froze from letting me do anything (I saw the messages) and then decided it was done for the day. Yay, technology.

[melinath]

Instead of letting themselves be cramped by their armor, Gladiators have learned to channel its weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum, a combination that lets them strike powerful blows with their short spears and hand-mounted claws. Their ideal, a union of equipment and body, brings them to use even their thick helms and the thick skulls beneath them as weapons. If it gives them the chance to dive into the rush of battle, they will do almost anything, even fulfill their caste duties.

[Turuk]

Instead of letting themselves be cramped by their armor, Gladiators have learned to channel its weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum, a combination that lets them strike powerful blows with their short spears and hand-mounted claws. Their ideal, a union of equipment and body, brings them to use even their thick helms and the thick skulls beneath them as weapons. If it gives them the chance to dive into the rush of battle, they will do almost anything, even fulfill their caste duties.

Instead of letting themselves be restricted by their armor, Gladiators have learned to channel its weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum. This methodology lets them strike powerful blows with their short spears and hand-mounted claws. Their ideal union of equipment and body brings them to use even their heavy helms and the thick skulls beneath them as weapons. If it means that they will have a chance to dive into battle, they will do almost anything, even fulfill their caste duties.


I made a few changes just on word choice, take it or leave it. I removed the use of thick twice, changed combination, and tried to alter the last sentence but failed for now. Its structure just makes me trip up when reading it.

[melinath]

Instead of letting themselves be bound by their armor, Gladiators have learned to channel its weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum, which allows them to strike powerful blows with their short spears and hand-mounted claws. Equipment and body are one; even their thick helms and the thick skulls beneath them are weapons. A Gladiator will do almost anything that lets him feel the intoxication of battle, even fulfill his caste duties.

I made a few changes just on word choice, take it or leave it. I removed the use of thick twice, changed combination, and tried to alter the last sentence but failed for now. Its structure just makes me trip up when reading it.

I don't like the word restricted there, but I agree that cramped isn't that great. I've changed it to 'bound', though I was also considering the word 'constrained.' Changed some other things around, and even brought in a generalized singular! Yay. 'Thick... thick' I've left. It was an intentional repetition, and for now, I still like the sound of it.

Does the lack of commentary on the slasher description mean it's finished? As a reminder:

Slasher Desc:

Present (Old) Version
Slashers are Clashers who have chosen to master the use of a halberd instead of carrying a sword and the spear. Their great size allows them to use a weapon of matching scale, large enough to skewer a horse as a man would a boar. Their training has also enhanced their stamina and defensive skills, which is a major advantage over their close cousins the Gladiators.

Present (Suggested) Version
Slashers take their caste very seriously. In order to better execute their duties, they have abandoned the Drakes' traditional hand-mounted claws and traded their spears for the spike and blade of the halberd. A less maneuverable weapon, certainly, but they find that a fair price for the raw heft the massive metal head provides. The thick plate these Drakes wear protects them well against points that would threaten to slip between their scales.

And now a treat: draft of the warden! Enforcer is coming soon.

Warden Desc:

Present Version
The Warden represents the pinnacle of the clasher caste, being picked from the most able Slashers. They have forged their might such that few warriors on this earth would dare stand against them. The Wardens' weapon of choice is the halberd, which they use to great effect.

Proposed Version, Draft 1
Wardens are set apart from the rest of the Clasher caste by their ornate helms, reminiscent of their dragon ancestors, and the care with which they drape their armored wings in brightly colored cloth before reporting for duty. In the course of their duties, Wardens have grown used to the weight of their equipment and have donned more armor and taken up a larger weapon.

Note that I've made a stylistic choice to remove all 'they're so scary nobody would ever fight them!' phrases from any description I ever do. It's just not Wesnoth. The whole point of the game is that you dare to fight. I may leave in phrases saying that people fight cautiously... we'll see.

[thespaceinvader]

I'd probably change the 'even' in the last sentence for 'particularly' - we don't want to make te Gladiators out to be lunatic berserkers...

channel its weight into their bodies' natural flow of momentum, which allows

this seems a little too modern-seeming for my taste - talking about 'natural flow' of anythign always brings to mind alternative medicine to me, and 'momentum' is a very scientific term.

How about:

use its hulking [I like this word, It really fits with the Gladiator and Enforcer sprites] weight to great effect, allowing

[Araja]

I always thought Warden or Enforcer descriptions should mention the thick golden platemail that makes you look at their sprite and think: Shining Golden Collosus.

[Turuk]

For your slasher, would you change price to trade?

For the gladiator and TSI's point about the use of natural flow and momentum, perhaps simplify it to "channel its weight into their movements"

Also for the gladiator, this:
"A Gladiator will do almost anything that lets him feel the intoxication of battle, even fulfill his caste duties."

could probably just be:

"A Gladiator will do almost anything that lets him feel the intoxication of battle."

I know you want to make it sound as if they do not fill their duties except if they happen to coincide with doing battle, but leaving it out implies they do their duty yet are frequently distracted by combat.

[melinath]

Instead of letting themselves be bound by their armor, Gladiators have learned to redirect its weight to supplement their bodies' momentum, adding power to the blows of their short spears and hand-mounted claws. Equipment and body are one; even their thick helms and the thick skulls beneath them are weapons. A Gladiator will gladly fulfill his caste duties, as long as it can be done on the battlefield.

TSI: momentum is a ponderous word, but it's also the only word I can think of that accurately captures what I'm going for. Your version is not quite alternative-medicine enough for me. However, 'hulking may find a home in the enforcer desc.

Araja: I'll think about it. The present version already goes into great detail about the decoration on the Warden's armor, but perhaps the Enforcer will get some Golden Colossus.

EDIT::

After talking with Turuk about it, I consider the above gladiator draft to be complete, if no-one spots any serious grammatical errors. True, I could keep working on it forever, but I want to keep pace with TSI...

A new draft of the Slasher:

Slashers take their caste very seriously. In order to better execute their duties, they have abandoned the Drakes' traditional hand-mounted claws and traded their spears for the spike and blade of the halberd. In their minds, the loss of maneuverability is a fair price for the raw heft the massive metal head provides. The thick plate these Drakes wear protects them well against weapons that could slip between their scales.

[Turuk]

I have no issue with the Slasher description as posted given we already went back and forth over it, and I have committed the Gladiator description to trunk.