Melinath's Descriptions: Drakes

[melinath]

My original suggestion was "extent of his authority" - I'm guessing you missed that? And here I've been refraining from suggesting it again because I thought you didn't like that idea.

At the time, I preferred my solution, but you convinced me.

The entire phrase "Respected for the heat of their flame and revered for their charisma," is an adjective clause (specifically, the one I was referring to).

"Respected for the heat of their flame" and "revered for their charisma" are parallel constructions, but the entire phrases need to complement, not just the leading verb. I can understand if you don't like my proposed revisions, but I still think you should rephrase it to flow better.

Ah, I see what you mean. However, I don't think that there's that much of a problem with flow. The current rhythm of the sentence is:

-X-X-X--X--X-X-X-

which is fairly regular and smooth.

Solsword: Thanks for your excellent and thorough critique. I'm sorry that I couldn't address it sooner.

This looks fine to me, but brings up a more general issue.

This description, along with several others including the main drake race description, make Drake society out to be an extremely oppressive place. This is *in addition* to the implications of (and explicit references to) a strict hierarchy within their society. A society can be strictly hierarchical, without the implied constant struggle for higher station being a *desperate* one (alright, at least in a fantasy world it can ). There's a difference between leading a blighted existence, constantly fighting to retain your marginal place in society and toiling to little reward, and being a member of a strict hierarchy where you strive to better your station in life through honorable competition with your peers. Not being Jetryl, I don't actually know which version is more descriptive of Drake society (or whether it varies between tribes or eras), but I do strongly get the impression from these descriptions that it is the former. If it's not (of if it's not that simple), then perhaps the tone of some of the descriptions (especially where it mentions interactions between the castes or the role of the castes in society) could do with some close inspection.

And now this is strictly my own opinion, but I think that a hierarchical society where both the positive and negative versions existed in different tribes would be much more interesting (and more conducive to using Drakes as both enemies and allies) than a society in which only the positive or negative aspects were expressed.

I see drake society as pretty restrictive, which is why they're portrayed that way in these descriptions. You're right that it is something to think about. The most interesting question in my mind right now is what would change about Drake society moving from the volcanic islands and their plentiful marine resources to the very different environment of the Heartland mountains. The change in feeding patterns would probably have a great effect on their society. But I don't think this is something that needs to be addressed in these revisions. Maybe if someone does another round someday.

{} = The unfortunate sentence-initial placement makes "Arrogant Burners" seem like some sort of proper noun. The rest of the sentence clarifies, but it's awkward. I'm not sure how best to rephrase without simply using more words, such as "members of this caste" instead of "Burners", so maybe this one is a lost cause.

() = You need "many of them" (or simply "of which there are many"). Just using "and" here might work in a conversation, but it doesn't in text.

I'm a bit baffled that this is bothering you and don't plan to change it.

// = Do dragons' veins *actually* flow with pure flame? The first time I read this, I misread the part between the commas as a parenthetical aside from the author, rather than part of the Burners' claim. Unfortunately, quotes here to delineate the claim would be too awkward, and "Arrogant Burners" aren't *actually* speaking anyways. I'm not sure there's a good fix for this, but I thought i'd point it out.

(EDIT-ish: I just read the old Flameheart description a bit down the page. Apparently dragons' veins do *actually* flow with pure flame?)

The old Flameheart desc says "It is said that..." which implies flame to the same extent that the new burner desc would. You have a good point about the 'like dragons' insertion, and I believe I've been able to correct it. Thanks!

I've made changes according to most of your other points as well, but I don't have time atm to go into detail. Sorry. Btw, the way you did rewrites was fine in my book - rather than just saying "Here's my version" you made specific suggestions about particular lines and explained why.

Final Drafts:
Okay, I could probably keep working on these forever if I had the time. But I don't. I need to be done with these. If nobody finds any grievous spelling or grammar errors, these are the last drafts I will be making. Thanks to everyone who provided feedback and suggestions along the way.

Glider Caste:

Glider:Current Desc:

Drake Gliders wear as little encumberment as possible, freeing themselves to fly to their full ability. These Drakes are competent fighters, possessing the internal fire common to many of their kin. Gliders can also effectively use their speed to slam their opponents into submission. From their aerial vantage point, these drakes can see past most defensive cover. Their skill at flying allows them the precision to target enemies under such cover.

Glider: Draft 7:

Many drakes enjoy the flow of air over scales, leading them to don the light robes of the Glider caste. The long forays to the far reaches of the tribal territory are their passion, though other drakes often wonder what could lead someone to take on the drudgery of hunting when more glory could be found on the battlefield.

Most often, Gliders hunt larger game like deer, swine, or dolphins; the drakes' ancestral ability to aim fire, hampered in other castes by armor, is invaluable for flushing and herding the quarry without harming it. If a Glider is called to the battlefield, he prefers to harass the enemy from a distance – and if all else fails, he will fight with his feet, keeping his precious wings as far from the enemy as possible.

Sky Drake: Current Version:

Sky drakes are truly the kings of the sky. The momentum of their terrible stooping dive and and their fire breath combine into a terrible weapon. By attacking from the air, they can spit fire with great precision into positions which would otherwise afford a great defensive advantage to their foes.

Sky Drake: Draft 2:

The lightweight ceramic armor that the Sky Drakes wear is a symbol of their rank, glazed silver to honor their connection to the air. As leaders of the hunt, they are often away from their homes for long periods of time. Each tries to bring as much game home as possible, competing to gain the respect of their tribe and, just possibly, time with one of the closely-guarded drake females.

Hurricane Drake: Current Version:

Masters of the aerial realm, the Hurricane Drakes are the elite among those drakes which are gifted with flight. Soaring high in the air, they can see past most defensive cover and spit fire at their foes with impunity.

Hurricane Drake: Draft 2:

Hurricane Drakes have moved above the menial hunting and gathering which the lower members of their caste are relegated to. They are an integral part of the drakes' military, scouting ahead of the main forces, carrying messages across the battlefield, and falling upon the enemy where it's least expected. Being allowed ‒ grudgingly ‒ to train with the newcomers from other castes has increased their skill in combat, but their greatest strength still lies in their speed.

Burner Caste:

Burner: Current Version:

Drake Burners are the proud few in whom the blood and strength of their remote ancestors runs truest, giving them the ability to breathe fire. This, coupled with their sheer size and fearsome claws, makes them deadly foes in combat.

Burner: Draft 4:

Before a drake is even considered for acceptance into the Burner caste, he must prove the strength of his inner fire; the caste prides itself on its similarity to the drakes' powerful ancestors: the dragons. Arrogant Burners – and there are many – can often be overheard claiming to be so like the dragons that their veins flow not with blood, but with pure flame. Although a Burner's preferred weapon is his fiery breath, he won't shy away from striking blows with his bared claws.

Fire Drake: Current Version:

The great fire-drakes are masters of their internal flame. Clad in shining armor, they belch columns of flame at any who oppose them, a testament to the strength and majesty of their kind.

Fire Drake: Draft 2:

Not yet permitted to wear the red-gold reserved for the highest ranks of the Burners, the Fire Drakes trim their armor with silver. Though they have only begun to dedicate their lives to the flame that burns within them, its vitality emanates through their skin, scorching their scales to a reddish-gray.

Inferno Drake: Current Version:

The flying conflagrations known as Drake Infernos are the masters of the fire they breathe, and rival their predecessors the Dragons in their ability to use it. This natural ability renders them nearly immune to fire. Their shining, flame-colored armor is a mark of their proud and powerful caste, the ideal to which their brethren aspire.

Inferno Drake: Draft 4:

The flying conflagrations known as Inferno Drakes are masters of the fire they breathe, respected and feared in their tribes nearly as much as the draconic ancestors themselves. They can prowl unharmed through a firestorm of their own creation, scales tinged red from extensive use of their inner flame, their sculpted red-gold armor enhancing the illusion that they are, in fact, dragons.

Drake Flare: Current Desc:

Drakes are an old race, wise enough to hearken to their own natural leaders. Those who are called 'flares' by their enemies are the drakes who aspire to be such leaders, both in war and in peace.

Drake Flare:Draft 2:

Respected for the heat of their flame and revered for their charisma, Flares show promise to become great leaders of their people, both in war and peace. Though a small isolated tribe will sometimes accept a Flare as a leader, they are more often seen leading small war parties or mediating disputes with a subtle hand.

Drake Flameheart: Current Desc:

It is said that the eldest lines of drakes - the direct descendants of the dragons themselves - have veins which course with fire rather than blood. That they can breathe fire as they do lends credence to this belief, though, for some reason, no one has tried cutting one open to find out.

Drake Flameheart: Draft 2:

Flamehearts lack the strength to defeat other high-ranking drakes in single combat, but prefer in any case to avoid confrontation within the tribe. Experience has taught any drake of this stature the extent of his authority: where he can push those he leads and when it is best to leave them to their own devices. Only occasionally will a Flameheart challenge his tribe's leader for supremacy, and only if he is sure of the support of his fellow drakes.

Fighter Caste

Fighter: Current Desc:

Drake Fighters wield curved war blades, and possess the fire-breathing skills of their ancestors. They can also fly, which is troubling to any foe. Their great strength, coupled with their hardened scales, is rightly frightening to swordsman of any other race.

Fighter: Draft 1:

Drakes of the Fighter caste are the foundation of any tribe's army. No special abilities or skills set them apart; only their natural brute strength and military training help them carve their way through enemy forces. They fight as they have for centuries, clad in ceramic-plated leather with the traditional single blade mounted on the back of each wrist.

Warrior: Current Desc:

Drake Warriors wield war blades with great skill, and possess the fire breathing skills of their ancestors. The great strength of their kind allows them to strike devastating blows, and to withstand punishment in equal measure.

Warrior: Draft 1.5:

A Warrior's only purpose in drake society is to fight and die for his tribe. Not being particularly swift or possessed of a strong inner flame, he is constantly struggling to prove his worth to the more respected castes by sheer physical prowess – and often, he succeeds.

Blademaster: Current Desc:

The drakes who master the use of war blades are sworn into a special order. The mark of their initiation is the black-and-white warpaint they display in battle.

Blademaster: Draft 3:

Black armor marks the elite order of the Fighter caste: the Blademasters. Only a few manage to gain the skill and power necessary to be admitted to this highest rank without perishing in battle. Though other drakes may disparage the Fighter caste, they always check twice to be sure none are around; Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows' honor, and no-one would dispute their right.

[solsword]

Those look very good. Thanks for taking on this task and putting up with the comments. Of course, there are still things that I would write differently, but mostly that is because I am not you, rather than because I find them objectively awkward or incorrect. I'd say commit these.

[thespaceinvader]

I'll pop these by Jet this weekend whilst we're working on the last couple of Drake sprites, and get them committed pending his say.

[AI]

There are still two issues that have been mentioned before:

The long forays to the reaches of the tribal territory

You can either travel "to the outer reaches" or you can travel "through the reaches", but, given that their tribe is inside their territory, they can't travel "to the reaches of the tribal territory", as they're already there.

Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows honor, and tribe leaders rarely dare punish them for it.

In a society based on honor, protecting it would not be a crime, and leaders would likely not be free to punish arbitrary drakes at will.

[melinath]

There are still two issues that have been mentioned before:

The long forays to the reaches of the tribal territory

You can either travel "to the outer reaches" or you can travel "through the reaches", but, given that their tribe is inside their territory, they can't travel "to the reaches of the tribal territory", as they're already there.

I was using 'reaches' in the sense of 'extreme limits', but since it's bothered a couple people, I have now changed it to far reaches.

Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows honor, and tribe leaders rarely dare punish them for it.

In a society based on honor, protecting it would not be a crime, and leaders would likely not be free to punish arbitrary drakes at will.

My take on it is that leaders theoretically have the power to punish whoever they want for whatever reason they want - they are at the top of the heap after all - but if they punish the wrong person, they would have to deal with the consequences. Still, you guys are entirely correct that I implied that protecting honor was a crime, which I shouldn't have. I've got two possible rephrasings:
1. Though other drakes may disparage the Fighter caste, they always check twice to be sure none are around; Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows' honor, and no-one would dispute their right.

2.Though other drakes may disparage the Fighter caste, they always check twice to be sure none are around; Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows' honor, and even if their retribution goes beyond the traditional bounds, tribe leaders rarely dare punish them for it.

The second rephrasing feels a bit awkward atm, but it makes the idea clearer and I could clean it up.

[solsword]

Hmm... I like... both! I guess that's not really useful to you, but I feel like you could go for either one and it would be fine. You're right that the bottom one is a tiny bit awkward, but it includes a correctly-used semicolon, and I have a soft spot in my heart for correctly-used semicolons.

Also apparently I didn't read your revisions closely enough... oops . Thanks for catching those, AI.

[Jetrel]

Glider Line:
All good.

Burner Line:
Great except for one tidbit:

Inferno:

The flying conflagrations known as Inferno Drakes are masters of the fire they breathe, respected and feared in their tribes nearly as much as the draconic ancestors themselves. They can prowl unharmed through a firestorm of their own creation, scales tinged red from extensive use of their inner flame, their sculpted red-gold armor enhancing the illusion that they are, in fact, dragons.

These leading words are a little too silly of wordplay. They also seem to be a pun on the "the flying configurations" business used in our old descriptions, which isn't a dependency we want to have.

Possible alternate:
'Inferno Drakes' have this name for a very straightforward reason: they are masters of the fire they breathe, respected and [...]


Fighter Line:
Swap the fighter and warrior descriptions. (Blademaster is fine.)

They're good descriptions, but the warrior one just doesn't fit him because the line about "not having a strong inner flame" isn't true. They have a fairly good flame attack (whereas the fighters don't). It's actually a world of difference in-game. This is basically identical to the change from fighter->hero for the elves. It would fit the fighter, though, and the proposed fighter description would fit the warrior just fine.

[thespaceinvader]

Or just cut the first part of that sentence altogether, up to the 'Inferno' - it still reads perfectly fine without it, and adding in something as hyperbolic that doesn't soudn sill would be difficult.

[Kenpachi]

Since there has been no recent discussion about the proposed name changes to the "sky" and "fire" drakes, they are not going to happen?

[melinath]

Kenpachi: I may still campaign for name changes sometime in the future, but this thread was getting really bogged down in them and the descriptions are more important.

Inferno Drakes: I admit it. I took that first part of the sentence directly from the old description. I thought it was kinda cute. But yeah - the description works fine without it.

Fighter Line: Switched.

Final Drafts, Take 2:
I think that wraps up everything. It'd be great if someone could commit these.

Glider Caste:

Glider:Current Desc:

Drake Gliders wear as little encumberment as possible, freeing themselves to fly to their full ability. These Drakes are competent fighters, possessing the internal fire common to many of their kin. Gliders can also effectively use their speed to slam their opponents into submission. From their aerial vantage point, these drakes can see past most defensive cover. Their skill at flying allows them the precision to target enemies under such cover.

Glider: Draft 7:

Many drakes enjoy the flow of air over scales, leading them to don the light robes of the Glider caste. The long forays to the far reaches of the tribal territory are their passion, though other drakes often wonder what could lead someone to take on the drudgery of hunting when more glory could be found on the battlefield.

Most often, Gliders hunt larger game like deer, swine, or dolphins; the drakes' ancestral ability to aim fire, hampered in other castes by armor, is invaluable for flushing and herding the quarry without harming it. If a Glider is called to the battlefield, he prefers to harass the enemy from a distance – and if all else fails, he will fight with his feet, keeping his precious wings as far from the enemy as possible.

Sky Drake: Current Version:

Sky drakes are truly the kings of the sky. The momentum of their terrible stooping dive and and their fire breath combine into a terrible weapon. By attacking from the air, they can spit fire with great precision into positions which would otherwise afford a great defensive advantage to their foes.

Sky Drake: Draft 2:

The lightweight ceramic armor that the Sky Drakes wear is a symbol of their rank, glazed silver to honor their connection to the air. As leaders of the hunt, they are often away from their homes for long periods of time. Each tries to bring as much game home as possible, competing to gain the respect of their tribe and, just possibly, time with one of the closely-guarded drake females.

Hurricane Drake: Current Version:

Masters of the aerial realm, the Hurricane Drakes are the elite among those drakes which are gifted with flight. Soaring high in the air, they can see past most defensive cover and spit fire at their foes with impunity.

Hurricane Drake: Draft 2:

Hurricane Drakes have moved above the menial hunting and gathering which the lower members of their caste are relegated to. They are an integral part of the drakes' military, scouting ahead of the main forces, carrying messages across the battlefield, and falling upon the enemy where it's least expected. Being allowed ‒ grudgingly ‒ to train with the newcomers from other castes has increased their skill in combat, but their greatest strength still lies in their speed.

Burner Caste:

Burner: Current Version:

Drake Burners are the proud few in whom the blood and strength of their remote ancestors runs truest, giving them the ability to breathe fire. This, coupled with their sheer size and fearsome claws, makes them deadly foes in combat.

Burner: Draft 4:

Before a drake is even considered for acceptance into the Burner caste, he must prove the strength of his inner fire; the caste prides itself on its similarity to the drakes' powerful ancestors: the dragons. Arrogant Burners – and there are many – can often be overheard claiming to be so like the dragons that their veins flow not with blood, but with pure flame. Although a Burner's preferred weapon is his fiery breath, he won't shy away from striking blows with his bared claws.

Fire Drake: Current Version:

The great fire-drakes are masters of their internal flame. Clad in shining armor, they belch columns of flame at any who oppose them, a testament to the strength and majesty of their kind.

Fire Drake: Draft 2:

Not yet permitted to wear the red-gold reserved for the highest ranks of the Burners, the Fire Drakes trim their armor with silver. Though they have only begun to dedicate their lives to the flame that burns within them, its vitality emanates through their skin, scorching their scales to a reddish-gray.

Inferno Drake: Current Version:

The flying conflagrations known as Drake Infernos are the masters of the fire they breathe, and rival their predecessors the Dragons in their ability to use it. This natural ability renders them nearly immune to fire. Their shining, flame-colored armor is a mark of their proud and powerful caste, the ideal to which their brethren aspire.

Inferno Drake: Draft 5:

Inferno Drakes are masters of the fire they breathe, respected and feared in their tribes nearly as much as the draconic ancestors themselves. They can prowl unharmed through a firestorm of their own creation, scales tinged red from extensive use of their inner flame, their sculpted red-gold armor enhancing the illusion that they are, in fact, dragons.

Drake Flare: Current Desc:

Drakes are an old race, wise enough to hearken to their own natural leaders. Those who are called 'flares' by their enemies are the drakes who aspire to be such leaders, both in war and in peace.

Drake Flare:Draft 2:

Respected for the heat of their flame and revered for their charisma, Flares show promise to become great leaders of their people, both in war and peace. Though a small isolated tribe will sometimes accept a Flare as a leader, they are more often seen leading small war parties or mediating disputes with a subtle hand.

Drake Flameheart: Current Desc:

It is said that the eldest lines of drakes - the direct descendants of the dragons themselves - have veins which course with fire rather than blood. That they can breathe fire as they do lends credence to this belief, though, for some reason, no one has tried cutting one open to find out.

Drake Flameheart: Draft 2:

Flamehearts lack the strength to defeat other high-ranking drakes in single combat, but prefer in any case to avoid confrontation within the tribe. Experience has taught any drake of this stature the extent of his authority: where he can push those he leads and when it is best to leave them to their own devices. Only occasionally will a Flameheart challenge his tribe's leader for supremacy, and only if he is sure of the support of his fellow drakes.

Fighter Caste

Fighter: Current Desc:

Drake Fighters wield curved war blades, and possess the fire-breathing skills of their ancestors. They can also fly, which is troubling to any foe. Their great strength, coupled with their hardened scales, is rightly frightening to swordsman of any other race.

Fighter: Draft 2:

A Fighter's only purpose in drake society is to fight and die for his tribe. Not being particularly swift or possessed of a strong inner flame, he is constantly struggling to prove his worth to the more respected castes by sheer physical prowess – and often, he succeeds.

Warrior: Current Desc:

Drake Warriors wield war blades with great skill, and possess the fire breathing skills of their ancestors. The great strength of their kind allows them to strike devastating blows, and to withstand punishment in equal measure.

Warrior: Draft 2:

Drakes of the Fighter caste are the foundation of any tribe's army. No special abilities or skills set them apart; only their natural brute strength and military training help them carve their way through enemy forces. They fight as they have for centuries, clad in ceramic-plated leather with the traditional single blade mounted on the back of each wrist.

Blademaster: Current Desc:

The drakes who master the use of war blades are sworn into a special order. The mark of their initiation is the black-and-white warpaint they display in battle.

Blademaster: Draft 3:

Black armor marks the elite order of the Fighter caste: the Blademasters. Only a few manage to gain the skill and power necessary to be admitted to this highest rank without perishing in battle. Though other drakes may disparage the Fighter caste, they always check twice to be sure none are around; Blademasters fiercely protect their fellows' honor, and no-one would dispute their right.

[AI]

The Warrior's new description doesn't mention the unit's name now that it's been swapped. It's not a real problem, but it looks a bit odd. Maybe you can work it in there somewhere.

[thespaceinvader]

I'll get these committed in the next few days, apart from the warrior which might still need some minor work.

[melinath]

Something like this?

Warrior: Current Desc:

Drake Warriors wield war blades with great skill, and possess the fire breathing skills of their ancestors. The great strength of their kind allows them to strike devastating blows, and to withstand punishment in equal measure.

Warrior: Draft 2.5:

Drakes of the Fighter caste, like the Warrior, are the foundation of any tribe's army. No special abilities or skills set them apart; only their natural brute strength and military training help them carve their way through enemy forces. They fight as they have for centuries, clad in ceramic-plated leather with the traditional single blade mounted on the back of each wrist.

P.S. - thanks for committing these.

[thespaceinvader]

They've been committed now =)

Thanks for your sterling and patient work, Melinath.

[melinath]

You're welcome. I'm glad that I could be a help.